Cannot muster up interest or excitement in hearing about parents' luxurious trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have a seat next to me, sister. My in-laws pull the same crap. Endless talking about how much money, time and freedom they have to do whatever they want. They divorced recently and have just been living it up. My MIL has a boyfriend with a harley and my FIL is running around the world doing god knows what. Shudder.

Meanwhile, like you I am raising small kids, working, and trying to make our ends wave to each other. My parents are gone, so it's just the in-laws.

What burns me up the most is this. They want their freedom and ability to live without any obligations to their children. That's fine. But when my FIL had a stoke while visiting (he parks his car in our garage when he travels since we live near the closest international airport who burned up her sick leave taking care of the man? Me. Who moved him in for a month so he could recuperate? Me. Who drove his ungrateful ass to endless doctors appointments and therapies. Me. He's not even my father. I got stuck with this because I work from home and have build up leave that my husband doesn't. Right after he left, we had to move. Did anyone offer to help or even bother calling to say man that's sucks and it's been hard. No.

And you know what the man did? He just waltzed out, went on with his life and didn't even thank me. Neither did any of his children.

I am so over my in laws. I didn't even realize it until I wrote this how over them I am.

I'm sorry, PP. FWIW, thank you for being kind and caring to another human being.

Kind and caring is not what that pp sounds like. Sounds like she had a funky attitude the entire time she was helping out. Perhaps it was her attitude that made FIL not want to say thanks. Or FIL is just an ungrateful boor and next time pp can pass on helping out.

PP here. So yeah. I believe parents should do things like visit their children when they have a child in the NICU (instead of vacationing). I believe parents should do things like call on a birthday or send a child a birthday or Christmas present. My late parents were extremely generous with their time and money. I didn't mind moving my father in after my mother passed because he was lonely (I was a single working woman at that point). I didn't mind taking FMLA and managing his hospice. But everything they did was out of love for me. It was a loving, caring relationship on both ends (parent and child).

My in laws are just different. They keep their distance because they can now, but fully expect that intimate caring relationship the second they need it. I believe parents should do things like not waste their retirement funds without a plan in the event they have a serious medical issue. Right now, both of my in-laws are operating as though they will never, ever need serious medical care. When my FIL had the stroke, we realized he had no plan whatsoever if this happened beyond expecting that his kids would step in and manage things for him. I dealt with it, because he's my husband's father. But it wasn't pleasant. My FIL was not gracious (he was cranky and annoyed at not being able to leave when he wanted.). It was an unpleasant experience and it chafes me because beyond not being grateful, he is someone I could never, ever rely on in a time in need. It's hard to explain, but that is it.

Yes, sounds like your FIL is a right asshole. Thank you for telling us about both your parents and your ILs and for identifying their good and bad qualities as individual characteristics rather than attributing them to an entire generation. I'm sorry you lost your parents and that you have to put up with your ILs.

[Anonymous]

I get that some people really have sucky parents or in laws, but OP it just sounds like your mom is excited about her trip and wants to gush about it with her kid.

I know you're stressed out and juggling a lot, but don't begrudge your parents whatever joy they're finding at this stage of their lives. I'm sure they've more than paid their dues. Just listen, make a few appropriate noises, and then go about your life. Your turn will come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have a seat next to me, sister. My in-laws pull the same crap. Endless talking about how much money, time and freedom they have to do whatever they want. They divorced recently and have just been living it up. My MIL has a boyfriend with a harley and my FIL is running around the world doing god knows what. Shudder.

Meanwhile, like you I am raising small kids, working, and trying to make our ends wave to each other. My parents are gone, so it's just the in-laws.

What burns me up the most is this. They want their freedom and ability to live without any obligations to their children. That's fine. But when my FIL had a stoke while visiting (he parks his car in our garage when he travels since we live near the closest international airport who burned up her sick leave taking care of the man? Me. Who moved him in for a month so he could recuperate? Me. Who drove his ungrateful ass to endless doctors appointments and therapies. Me. He's not even my father. I got stuck with this because I work from home and have build up leave that my husband doesn't. Right after he left, we had to move. Did anyone offer to help or even bother calling to say man that's sucks and it's been hard. No.

And you know what the man did? He just waltzed out, went on with his life and didn't even thank me. Neither did any of his children.

I am so over my in laws. I didn't even realize it until I wrote this how over them I am.

I'm sorry, PP. FWIW, thank you for being kind and caring to another human being.

Kind and caring is not what that pp sounds like. Sounds like she had a funky attitude the entire time she was helping out. Perhaps it was her attitude that made FIL not want to say thanks. Or FIL is just an ungrateful boor and next time pp can pass on helping out.

PP here. So yeah. I believe parents should do things like visit their children when they have a child in the NICU (instead of vacationing). I believe parents should do things like call on a birthday or send a child a birthday or Christmas present. My late parents were extremely generous with their time and money. I didn't mind moving my father in after my mother passed because he was lonely (I was a single working woman at that point). I didn't mind taking FMLA and managing his hospice. But everything they did was out of love for me. It was a loving, caring relationship on both ends (parent and child).

My in laws are just different. They keep their distance because they can now, but fully expect that intimate caring relationship the second they need it. I believe parents should do things like not waste their retirement funds without a plan in the event they have a serious medical issue. Right now, both of my in-laws are operating as though they will never, ever need serious medical care. When my FIL had the stroke, we realized he had no plan whatsoever if this happened beyond expecting that his kids would step in and manage things for him. I dealt with it, because he's my husband's father. But it wasn't pleasant. My FIL was not gracious (he was cranky and annoyed at not being able to leave when he wanted.). It was an unpleasant experience and it chafes me because beyond not being grateful, he is someone I could never, ever rely on in a time in need. It's hard to explain, but that is it.

Yes, sounds like your FIL is a right asshole. Thank you for telling us about both your parents and your ILs and for identifying their good and bad qualities as individual characteristics rather than attributing them to an entire generation. I'm sorry you lost your parents and that you have to put up with your ILs.

I don't know if FIL here truly an asshole.
OP: what do you mean by manage things? Like open his electric bill and pay it while he is in the hospital? Coordinate his medical records being sent from PCP to cardiologist? What did you "manage" that was beyond "next of kin point of contact"?

And by the way, there is a difference between "extremely generous" and "buy a birthday gift", you seem very money-grabby. Learn to stand on your own two feet and don't resent people for not giving you large cash handouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is acceptable. Take responsibility for your life. You can only control your actions not anyone else's. Your mom has a right to be happy. You have no right to be jealous. She is not there to treat you like a dependent. If you didn't want your kids to go then you shouldn't let them.

Different poster here. I gather that what was objectionable was promising to take the grandkids and getting them all excited about it before asking their mom and dad to pay for the kids - thus making mom and dad the villains. That's really bad behavior.

I can agree with that.

PP with the parents who asked me to pay for the kids here.

Yes, that is correct.

Knowing that we could not afford to give our kids a vacation like that, my parents asked if THEY could take them. I agreed. My parents spent several months talking on the phone with my kids about the trip, emailing them about the trip, discussing the various activities they would be doing and asking which options my kids wanted. Then, when they went to buy the airfare, it was more than they expected and asked me to contribute.
I told them I literally couldn't afford it. Then my mom said that money was "too tight" for her because of her upcoming cruise to south America and the trip she just took to Florida and the kitchen renovation, etc. etc. so she wasn't going to take my kids on the trip unless I gave her the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents just got back from a three-week trip to (leaving out details just in case). Meanwhile, my DH and I are in the weeds - have been for years -- with two young kids, two careers, a few SNs thrown in there with 1-2 of the kids, watching our pennies, etc. Nothing crazy, but you know, like how a lot of young busy families are around here. I am so exhausted I just feel like I can not muster up excitement to hear all that my mom will want to chatter on to me about with her trip. Do I just have to suck it up and do it anyway? Help?

I would rather my adult daughter tell me how she feels, than listen to me "chatter on". Just tell her it's hard to hear about their trip, when you're struggling. That would stop us from sharing, although my feelings would be hurt after everything we've been through raising our dear children. We share a few funny stories from our trips, but know that our "kids" have more on their minds, and feel too busy and stressed to know how we're doing. We didn't travel without them until they were out of high school. We take them as adults sometimes as well and have great times! We hadn't even been out of the states in our lives, and scrimped and saved so we can travel a few weeks a year now.

My grandparents, parents and inlaws all travelled while we were raising our children and barely making ends meet, etc. I knew they didn't have as much when they were younger and they worked hard. It's different life stages. I especially loved hearing from grandma about going on rides at Disney in her 70's! I'm not going to feel guilty about spending a bit of money and having fun, but also don't need to talk much about it if it is annoying someone. We learnt some of what not to do from our parents as well - no forced slide shows or lectures! And no, I'm not a boomer. I'm a Generation Xer who had children very young. We started with nothing and little help from our parents. It made us grow up very quickly, not like our entitled offspring, sorry to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it is acceptable. Take responsibility for your life. You can only control your actions not anyone else's. Your mom has a right to be happy. You have no right to be jealous. She is not there to treat you like a dependent. If you didn't want your kids to go then you shouldn't let them.

Different poster here. I gather that what was objectionable was promising to take the grandkids and getting them all excited about it before asking their mom and dad to pay for the kids - thus making mom and dad the villains. That's really bad behavior.

I can agree with that.

PP with the parents who asked me to pay for the kids here.

Yes, that is correct.

Knowing that we could not afford to give our kids a vacation like that, my parents asked if THEY could take them. I agreed. My parents spent several months talking on the phone with my kids about the trip, emailing them about the trip, discussing the various activities they would be doing and asking which options my kids wanted. Then, when they went to buy the airfare, it was more than they expected and asked me to contribute.
I told them I literally couldn't afford it. Then my mom said that money was "too tight" for her because of her upcoming cruise to south America and the trip she just took to Florida and the kitchen renovation, etc. etc. so she wasn't going to take my kids on the trip unless I gave her the money.

Honestly that's rotten of your mother. I don't know if I would let that one go.

[Anonymous]

You made bad choices. Don't be jelly it looks ugly on you.

[Anonymous]

And that is how it should be. Your kids are your responsibility at all times. Somethings are not affordable and you just can't give them every opportunity. This is not your mother's fault. She has every right to spend her money as she wants to without any judgment nor expectations from you.