Any Formerly SAHM's Back to Work for Economic Reasons and Hating It?
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Anonymous
Previous poster again. I have been a SAHP for twelve years, and I know what SO thinks about it because we communicate. When I first stopped working, I probably earned one-fifth of the HHI. That meant that we felt the difference, but our several children were also very young, and we were expecting yet another, so it was obvious to both of us that I needed to stay home for a while. As the years progressed, our lives and the children's demands and commitments became even more intensive, not less so, and again, my Partner and I would occasionally discuss whether it made sense for me to return to work, and always decided that things were working very well as is. At the same time, we were very, very lucky that SO continued to be able to work hard, and make commitments of time, travel, and moves, that allowed them to be promoted within the corporate structure of their organization. SO currently earns more than twelve times what I earned when I retired from the workforce twelve years ago, so we definitely no longer need my income to supplement our HHI. However, our oldest goes off to college next year, so perhaps now is the time to start planning my career post-children, though we are still nine years away from having an empty nest. |
Anonymous
some love it, some hate it. newsflash - outside of the D.C. area, there are a ton of SAHPs. and lots of people are...gasp...HAPPY. |
Anonymous
+1000 This is about grown-ups realizing that in order to support their family and lifestyle (be it trips to Europe or trips to grocery store), more income is needed. When grown-ups realize this, they do what they can to increase income. If they have the right combination of luck and determination and available hours in the day, then are able to find a way to increase income. And it's sunshine and roses when income can be increased by doing something (or doing more of something) one loves to do. But sadly, that's actually not that common for anyone, male or female. Most people's hearts do not reside at their place of employment. That, my feminist and non-feminist friends, is life. Having been, or wanting to be, a SAHP doesn't change this. Furthermore, taking a lengthy break from paid employment has long-term consequences that are frequently not appreciated by younger people. I myself worked part-time and as a contractor for many years. Now, at 50, I can see more clearly the cost of this decision. I probably earn less now than I would have had I devoted more time to my career. This means the cost of those part-time years (or time out of the work-force) is compounded well into the future, if not into one's personal perpetuity. And I will have to work much longer until I can retire with a pension (because I banked less time when I worked part-time and wasn't banking any time at all when I was a contractor--and though I diligently put aside money in retirement accounts during these years, the money I set aside is worth less than the banked time would be). For me, I don't have a lot of regret because I am very healthy and I enjoy my job, so the idea of working longer doesn't bother me much. And I am lucky in that I am still married to DH#1, who is himself is healthy and employed. But if had health problems or found it difficult to perform as I got older, or if I were single and facing the prospect of middle and old age without the assistance of DH's salary and future pension/retirement savings, I might have have deep, deep regrets. |
Anonymous
The point is that your initial post expresses the selfish mentality of so many SAHPs. Your husband now has more pressure on him, but hey, as long as YOURE happy, who cares? He'd probably like to not have a desk job, too. But as long as he's conducting the gravy train, he can't. |
Anonymous
Actually, my SO has been very happy with this domestic arrangement. It gave them the flexibility to charge hard into their profession and career, travel and work long hours without regrets, and make moves and take promotions elsewhere as needed - all while knowing that the children's needs and commitments were always being looked after by someone who loved them with all their heart. And guess what? Twelve years on, my Partner has risen to the very top of their corporate structure, in a position and job they call their "dream job". My SO tells everyone how much they love their job, because they absolutely do. Look, I do understand that we are very, very fortunate that every piece fell into the right place at the right time, to make our happiness possible. What if SO had not been promoted over the years? What if they had not attained their Dream Job? What if their Profession did not pay a good-enough salary to maintain a household? What if I had hated or resented being a SAHP following a spouse and maintaining a household from NY to SC, and to DC? |
Anonymous
So "they" never see the kids. Got it. |
Anonymous
Wrong again, they have been very, very involved in family life, daily (except when traveling) and constantly throughout the children's lives. If you knew our children, you would see the impact of having two involved and devoted parents. I know that we are lucky, and believe me, I thank God for this every day. I love being a SAHP, my SO loves our family, and luckily for them, also enjoys a fruitful and rewarding career that gives them great professional and personal satisfaction. I know, from reading these posts and others, that there are countless WOHP and WAHPs also enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and validation that comes with the success of a job well done and well loved. |
Anonymous
| I'm banging your hubby, pp. He is leaving you after the holidays. I am 12 weeks pregnant. |
Anonymous
"At everyone's disposal"? This is not how I would want to characterize my role. I was a SAHM for a long time but kept working PT from home. I'm back in the office now and feel pretty confident financially. My own mother had the rug pulled out from under her after 12 years of marriage--there is NO way that will ever happen to me. I have to say, for us, our marriage is ten thousand times better because DH doesn't feel like he has the full burden of supporting the family and I don't feel like a glorified maid. The latter situation may not be the same for everyone, but absolutely NO woman out there should say she will never have to worry about supporting herself at some point (except for the trust fund person). I've seen it twice in my own group, and we're all around the 10- to 15-year mark in our marriages. |
Anonymous
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You say you hate your job? There's a support group for that, and it's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar.
(Drew Carey) |
Anonymous
First of all just because that's what he's telling you doesn't make it so. Second, congrats, you've caught yourself a real winner! |
Anonymous
Why are you playing the pronoun game? |
Anonymous
DH#1? Wow. And you seem very focused on money...guess if that makes you happy? |
Anonymous
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Sometimes when I read the SAHM threads I get the impression the posters are 30-something women with very young children who assume life will just carry on per usual, thus no need to change.
Your kids will go to school and be gone much of the day. Before you know it, they'll be out of the house for good. Your own employment prospects will dwindle once you hit 45 or so, especially if you have a large gap in your resume. I don't care how solid your marriage is now; you just don't know what's down the road. It could be divorce, but it just as easily could be a health crisis or longterm unemployment. If you really don't feel that going back to work is right for you, at least try to make sure you will be in a good place financially when--not if--things change. |
Anonymous
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Previous poster who has been a SAHP for twelve years now.
First, my SO and I have been happily together as Partners for 23 years now, so no, I am not worried that we will break up. Second, we are committed to each other and to our children, and the domestic arrangement we have - in which I handle the home front, and they handle the professional front - has worked very well for us. SO absolutely loves and takes great pride in their professional and career success and accomplishments, and I absolutely love being a SAHP to several children. Would I want every American family to have the same arrangement? No, that is precisely what makes this country so wonderful, that we can all make our own choices and live our own lives openly and free of condemnation. Finally, we are no longer spring chickens, but rather a couple in our mid- to-late 40s with our oldest heading off to college, and several more still at home for the next nine years. I will probably not return to work in my mid 50s, and with our current rate of savings, SO plans to retire in their early 60s, and we will have more than enough to do so comfortably. |