Sex in a Teenager's Bedroom? What say you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back here 14:43. Your nonsense is also not warranted toward the first PP, because, as was pointed out, you are making a lot of assumptions that most likely aren't true. Your judgmental nature is certainly showing through however. If this equates to "mature adult" in your world, well, I can't help you.

OP, your child is four. Sounds like he's your first, too. You have no idea how the world will have changed in the next 10 years. I'm just saying that:
1, no a parent cannot serve the function of a friend;
2, there are some things teens just aren't ready for (frankly it's better put off til college when they've matured just a little bit more);
3, mixed messages serve you ill -- and letting teens sleep over whilst hoping they'll use protection and have safe, happy outcomes definitely sends a naive mixed message;
4, on a wide-open anonymous forum like DCUM, people are going to be called out for their nonsense rather quickly;
5, however adult you claim this discussion to be, I hear a whole lot of denial coming from several directions;
6, all caps "shouting" belies insecurity in an opinion, rather than firm resolve.

Basic developmental biology/psychology is not going to undergo a complete revolution in 10 years.

True, but in 1980 nobody knew that AIDS would be the word everyone was thinking about for the next decade or two, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

Well, yes. Your job as a parent is to discuss the birds and the bees, STDs, birth control and your own moral values w/regard to sex. You don't actually actively critique their sex life - "Tee, hee. I heard you kids really getting it on last night. You goofballs really need to keep that racket down." no, No, NO - so NOT parental territory. Boundary alarm bells are really going off...

Actually, I was thinking more like, "By the way, you and friend should probably be quieter in future. Now, what's your schedule for Sunday?"

So what? It's the same message, just different wording. It doesn't matter if you stomp beyond the red rope at the museum exhibit or if you tiptoe past the road - either way the bells will still go off..because you've crossed into an area that YOU don't belong.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread is dead. The judgmental killjoy has taken over what was a pretty good conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

Well, yes. Your job as a parent is to discuss the birds and the bees, STDs, birth control and your own moral values w/regard to sex. You don't actually actively critique their sex life - "Tee, hee. I heard you kids really getting it on last night. You goofballs really need to keep that racket down." no, No, NO - so NOT parental territory. Boundary alarm bells are really going off...

Actually, I was thinking more like, "By the way, you and friend should probably be quieter in future. Now, what's your schedule for Sunday?"

So what? It's the same message, just different wording. It doesn't matter if you stomp beyond the red rope at the museum exhibit or if you tiptoe past the road - either way the bells will still go off..because you've crossed into an area that YOU don't belong.

Hey, if I spent $500K+ on a house, the whole house is mine, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents thing was "no sex before you're ready." Marriage wasn't even a factor. If I was capable of asking them directly for birth control, could tell them how I was protecting myself, knew who my partner would be, they didn't care. My boyfriend spent the night probably half the week all through my junior and senior years of high school. I saw him at a funeral last summer and it was a pleasant run-in. I think I was better prepared for what happened in college because I had a stable relationship that included sex and everything that comes with it before I got there.

OP here. What did your boyfriend's parents think? Did you parents ever talk to the BF about the sleepover situation? Or did his parents talk with the two of you? Curious how all four parents handled the situation.

His parents were on the same page. It wasn't unheard of for us to sleep at his parents house. I didn't have siblings at home so we had more free space at my house, so we hung out there. My parents never really addressed the sleep over situation. All of our parents talked one time that I overheard (no, they didn't know each other before we got together) and it wasn't an issue. They also discussed what happens if we showed up drunk from a party. I think there's a lot more open minded people around than you would assume.

I should also add that I think the decision to allow the sleepovers should really depend on your child's maturity. It is in no way for everybody. I had been dating my boyfriend for a year, he was around the house all the time, did family things with us. It was clearly not just a random guy I was talking to for a couple weeks.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. Do you mind if I ask where you grew up (i.e. what city and/or state)?

I grew up in St. Louis City.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

Well, yes. Your job as a parent is to discuss the birds and the bees, STDs, birth control and your own moral values w/regard to sex. You don't actually actively critique their sex life - "Tee, hee. I heard you kids really getting it on last night. You goofballs really need to keep that racket down." no, No, NO - so NOT parental territory. Boundary alarm bells are really going off...

Actually, I was thinking more like, "By the way, you and friend should probably be quieter in future. Now, what's your schedule for Sunday?"

So what? It's the same message, just different wording. It doesn't matter if you stomp beyond the red rope at the museum exhibit or if you tiptoe past the road - either way the bells will still go off..because you've crossed into an area that YOU don't belong.

Hey, if I spent $500K+ on a house, the whole house is mine, thank you very much.

Love this! PP is binary and obviously thinks his/her way is the only way. I actually wanted to learn how other people think about these issues and why, and how they handle them with their kids, and what the results have been. PP wants to start a judgy flame war, which is so typical of DCUM and so very, very tedious too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents thing was "no sex before you're ready." Marriage wasn't even a factor. If I was capable of asking them directly for birth control, could tell them how I was protecting myself, knew who my partner would be, they didn't care. My boyfriend spent the night probably half the week all through my junior and senior years of high school. I saw him at a funeral last summer and it was a pleasant run-in. I think I was better prepared for what happened in college because I had a stable relationship that included sex and everything that comes with it before I got there.

OP here. What did your boyfriend's parents think? Did you parents ever talk to the BF about the sleepover situation? Or did his parents talk with the two of you? Curious how all four parents handled the situation.

His parents were on the same page. It wasn't unheard of for us to sleep at his parents house. I didn't have siblings at home so we had more free space at my house, so we hung out there. My parents never really addressed the sleep over situation. All of our parents talked one time that I overheard (no, they didn't know each other before we got together) and it wasn't an issue. They also discussed what happens if we showed up drunk from a party. I think there's a lot more open minded people around than you would assume.

I should also add that I think the decision to allow the sleepovers should really depend on your child's maturity. It is in no way for everybody. I had been dating my boyfriend for a year, he was around the house all the time, did family things with us. It was clearly not just a random guy I was talking to for a couple weeks.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. Do you mind if I ask where you grew up (i.e. what city and/or state)?

I grew up in St. Louis City.

No kidding? Wow. I grew up in the Midwest too, but where I'm from I knew no parents who would have been cool with that arrangement. How did that experience impact your future relationships with men for good or for bad? How did it impact your relationships with parents, i.e. were you open with each other about sex during that time? It sounds like you were pretty mature and well-adjusted and probably stayed that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

Well, yes. Your job as a parent is to discuss the birds and the bees, STDs, birth control and your own moral values w/regard to sex. You don't actually actively critique their sex life - "Tee, hee. I heard you kids really getting it on last night. You goofballs really need to keep that racket down." no, No, NO - so NOT parental territory. Boundary alarm bells are really going off...

Actually, I was thinking more like, "By the way, you and friend should probably be quieter in future. Now, what's your schedule for Sunday?"

So what? It's the same message, just different wording. It doesn't matter if you stomp beyond the red rope at the museum exhibit or if you tiptoe past the road - either way the bells will still go off..because you've crossed into an area that YOU don't belong.

Hey, if I spent $500K+ on a house, the whole house is mine, thank you very much.

Love this! PP is binary and obviously thinks his/her way is the only way. I actually wanted to learn how other people think about these issues and why, and how they handle them with their kids, and what the results have been. PP wants to start a judgy flame war, which is so typical of DCUM and so very, very tedious too.

Yes - because YOU and YOU alone are the judge and jury of what the rest of us can say? You say that you want to hear other peoples points of view - we give them and you trash us and call us names. Not very nice of you, is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised that so many of you would express disappointment, anger, not in my house, etc . . . What is the goal? To lead them to sneak around? To teach them sex is bad? To completely remove yourself from any conversation about what they are actually doing?

My goal is to raise my DD to see sex as a really good thing in the right context, meaning a loving, positive relationship. My secondary goal is to make sure she will talk to me if and when she feels the need to discuss anything related to sex. I'm 12:52 and my DD is 17 and I have no problem with her having sex with her boyfriend in her bedroom with the door closed. She has gotten the message that the relationship is important. I do not fear that she will go off to college and hook up like crazy.

As for the poster who insists her DC won't have sex until marriage . . . you are dreaming, but okey dokey. My parents thought the same thing about me. HA HA HA HA.

I'm sure someone will trip me up with this analogy, but here goes anyway:

I think of sex kind of like alcohol. I want my kids to have a healthy respect for alcohol, to be able to drink responsibly, to have full information about the impact of drinking, etc etc etc. I want them to be able to talk to me about the drinking that is going on around them and even (god forbid, LOL) the drinking that they themselves are doing. I want them to know my personal values about drinking, but also to feel that they can ALWAYS call me if they or the person driving them has been drinking. So we talk about drinking, the good and the bad, I express my opinion about responsible drinking, about the dangers of drinking so much that you have to rely on others (teens, no less, LOL) for your safety and well-being, I say again and again that they will never be punished for CALLING ME for a ride. But I don't serve alcohol to teens.

And I think of sex and alcohol similarly in this way: I think the later the start, generally the better. Sure, some kids drink or have sex at age 14 and turn out great. But statistics suggest that kids who start drinking at older ages rather than younger tend to have healthier attitudes toward drinking, are less likely to develop problems with alcohol, etc. I have a notion that delaying sex might have similar positive effects overall. I have no statistics at hand to back up that opinion, it is just the view I take.

I'm the PP you quote and I agree completely with this. Notice that my DD is 17, not 14.

I'm just amused by all the posts by parents of younger kids. I think you are all freaking out about your children become sexual beings which I can understand because they are quite young and you probably look at them and think "ACK!" But they will grow up. And some of their friends will be hooking up and some will be in degrading relationships. There is a good context and a bad and since our kids will go off to college we have a limited amount of time to make sure they understand the difference. Since I have an older teen and we actually talk I know about the conduct of other kids. And you should all know that all the kids in long term relationships are having sex. And some of those in no particular relationship are having sex. If you say "not in my house," where are they going to go? Cars? The woods? Will they skip school and stay home? For those of you who have daughters, how empowered will they be in the relationship if sex becomes a result of opportunity and not more affirmative decision making? And for those of you who have sons, shouldn't they respect their girlfriends enough not to be doing it in a car? It makes total sense to me the way the Slate article discusses the fact that Dutch kids are more respectful of each other.

Our kids will one day be in their 20s, 30s and beyond. The goal is for them to both be in committed relationships and to have a satisfying sex life. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? I don't see how forcing them to sneak around serves that goal. Of course you are uncomfortable with the idea of your children being sexual beings, but you will be more uncomfortable if your 30 year old is an asexual being, or a promiscuous one.

As for all the people screaming condoms, its laughable that you think we've never discussed this. You need to start discussing this when your kids are young, too young to have sex, because you want them to grow up with the idea that using a condom is a rock solid requirement. By the way, even if you never have that conversation with your kids, they know it. Condom use is very much a part of teen culture.

[Anonymous]

Wait, is the PP at 16:20 the same as the PP at 16:11?

[Anonymous]

Not in my house !

[Anonymous]

My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, is the PP at 16:20 the same as the PP at 16:11?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

It's remarkable how thin skinned some posters are on this thread. Just an hint of questioning judgment and they try to quell all disagreement. Weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

In principle, I agree that if they can't do this themselves, they're not ready. But I think of it as harm mitigation. For example, I will buy a package of Plan B and leave it somewhere where the kids can get at it, no questions. Ideally, they won't need it. However, I'd rather they have Plan B, if they need it, when they need it, than not have it.