Sex in a Teenager's Bedroom? What say you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just one anecdote, but abstinence worked for me. Was abstinent until married at age 27. I know some will say that I "missed out," but while I have made some poor decisions in life, I will always consider that as one of the better decisions I have made.

Good for you, but the singular of "data" is not "anecdote." it doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

It's not easy but it can work if you have 2 like-minded people with a decent sense of self-control. Abstinence is just not fashionable in today's "I want it so I will have it now" mentality. DH and I abstained all through college and then 2 more years until we married. Many other ways to be intimate. 16 years later, 3 kids, no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Abstinence may be reasonable when people marry at 20, but I wanted to be on my feet before settling down. So, I waited until after grad school and I had a job to get married. I was 35. I was not going to wait till 35. This is very different than telling a kid no sex at home.

Heck, I am 50, and I still haven't had sex in my parents home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just one anecdote, but abstinence worked for me. Was abstinent until married at age 27. I know some will say that I "missed out," but while I have made some poor decisions in life, I will always consider that as one of the better decisions I have made.

Good for you, but the singular of "data" is not "anecdote." it doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

It's not easy but it can work if you have 2 like-minded people with a decent sense of self-control. Abstinence is just not fashionable in today's "I want it so I will have it now" mentality. DH and I abstained all through college and then 2 more years until we married. Many other ways to be intimate. 16 years later, 3 kids, no regrets.

Newsflash: there's more than one way to have sex, and you were, in fact, having sex.

[Anonymous]

Was this question posted just so the pro-abstinence types could have a platform? I think so.

[Anonymous]

I say DH and I will be using all the kids' rooms for sex when the last one goes off to college Fall 2014!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this question posted just so the pro-abstinence types could have a platform? I think so.

It looks to me like they are stating their opinion and personal experiences, just like many others on this thread. Why single them out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just one anecdote, but abstinence worked for me. Was abstinent until married at age 27. I know some will say that I "missed out," but while I have made some poor decisions in life, I will always consider that as one of the better decisions I have made.

Good for you, but the singular of "data" is not "anecdote." it doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

It's not easy but it can work if you have 2 like-minded people with a decent sense of self-control. Abstinence is just not fashionable in today's "I want it so I will have it now" mentality. DH and I abstained all through college and then 2 more years until we married. Many other ways to be intimate. 16 years later, 3 kids, no regrets.

Newsflash: there's more than one way to have sex, and you were, in fact, having sex.

Oh sorry - I didn't know you were with us. Thank you for being a quiet (albeit creepy) audience since we probably would have been weirded out had we known you were there.

[Anonymous]

How about a "no sex before adulthood" rule. That is what my parents had. At 18 I was free to live my life as an adult. That is how I a raising my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents never talked to me about sex, birth control, anything except to make it clear they did not believe in sex before marriage.

Nevertheless, I started having sex at 16. I had sex with boyfriends in my bedroom in our house when they were not home. Also, I had unprotected sex, and sex with guys I did not know well, at parties and in cars and even in parks outside. I did not have a good situation with regards to sex as a teen.

I don't know exactly how I will handle the whole sleep-overs-for-teenagers question. But I do know I will be open with my kids about sex from the time they are very little, and give them the idea that it's normal and healthy and they can talk to me about anything because I am not going to judge them. I will talk to them not just about the nuts-and-bolts biology but about the tricky emotional issues as well.

I would much rather my older teenagers have protected sex in my house with someone they really care about than get into the kinds of situations I was in. I don't really know how you can say, "This is a healthy, normal thing" while also saying "and you can never, ever do it in my house." It doesn't make sense, somehow.

This could have been written by me. My head is still messed up after years of "sex is bad, we don't talk about it, you just can't ever do it until you're married" attitude. I'm definitely raising my girls differently!

How exactly?

Not PP, but I agree with the history and sentiment. My parents were not "sex is bad" fanatics, they just did not prepare me with any information, did not talk about sex or relationships, and had a very unhealthy relationship themselves that was disintegrating while I was going through my teenage years. I started having sex at 14, hid it very well along with a lot of other behaviors that would disturb many parents. I was smart enough to figure out birth control, but also was just very lucky. In particular, I am lucky that college extracted me from a lifestyle that had no long term upside but was a whole lot of fun. My daughters are young, in elementary school, and I talk to them openly about sex and sexual development in age appropriate ways. My older DD knows I will give her an honest answer to any question and not judge her. DH and I have a respectful, loving and fun relationship that I hope is a model of a healthy relationship for our children.

I do not think abstinence is a long term solution. It is the right answer until a person is ready for a sexual relationship and finds the right person to have that relationship with.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't allow it, but it is really your decision how to deal with it. You should expect your sons urges for sex when he is older. Everybody has this at one point or another. However, it would defiantly not be appropriate in my house. The ONLY situation I would allow this in was if my c hold was 17 or 18 and knows about sexually transmitted deceases. Also would have to know about protection (condoms,birth control) and be well educated on the topic of sex. My child would also have to be very responsible with sex. At 17 my child would use protection and I would have to trust them before I give my permission. But not under 17. It feels so good to know that somebody is taking a necessary step in their child's life and asking questions. Great question.

[Anonymous]

I hope my kids have sex at a younger age than I did. I was over 19.
I think you are an adult at 18 and should use birth control/protection, but yes, I think sex is normal at that age. And since we prolong our adult children's dependence on us now by sending them to college, we have to find a way to accept their sexual selves during those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids have sex at a younger age than I did. I was over 19.
I think you are an adult at 18 and should use birth control/protection, but yes, I think sex is normal at that age. And since we prolong our adult children's dependence on us now by sending them to college, we have to find a way to accept their sexual selves during those years.

What was wrong with waiting until 19? Not being snarky. Genuinely curious. I don't think I know anyone who regrets waiting until college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids have sex at a younger age than I did. I was over 19.
I think you are an adult at 18 and should use birth control/protection, but yes, I think sex is normal at that age. And since we prolong our adult children's dependence on us now by sending them to college, we have to find a way to accept their sexual selves during those years.

What was wrong with waiting until 19? Not being snarky. Genuinely curious. I don't think I know anyone who regrets waiting until college.

NP here.

I lost my virginity in college and absolutely do NOT regret that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just one anecdote, but abstinence worked for me. Was abstinent until married at age 27. I know some will say that I "missed out," but while I have made some poor decisions in life, I will always consider that as one of the better decisions I have made.

Good for you, but the singular of "data" is not "anecdote." it doesn't work for the vast majority of people.

It's not easy but it can work if you have 2 like-minded people with a decent sense of self-control. Abstinence is just not fashionable in today's "I want it so I will have it now" mentality. DH and I abstained all through college and then 2 more years until we married. Many other ways to be intimate. 16 years later, 3 kids, no regrets.

+ 1

I also want to add - Teenagers have to do a lot more growing up before they can make responsible and balanced decisions about having sex. However, if they are fed the BS that they must have sex to be like everyone else, then they will bow down to peer pressure.

My teen is in an academic program which has a high population of Asians. In many Asian cultures premarital sex is rare. As a result very few students are dating or having sex in this program - both Asians and non-Asians. However, they go together as a group to watch movies and plays, go for proms and homecoming parties, host parties and socialize with each other.

This has removed from the students in the program the pressure to date. And I think at this young age this is a very good thing! They are also learning how to act in a mature and thoughtful manner towards each other and carry themselves with poise and self-assurance.

[Anonymous]

Our son is 16, he has a girlfriend. We've made it clear we think they are too young for sex but it is most important to use condoms if they do decide to have sex. I told him place he can discreetly buy them to minimize his embarassment. He has said they are not sexually active. We will not permit sex in our house. We don't allow him at her place without a parent present.

That being said-

He has his drivers license. He has multiple activities with hours of time away from us (i.e. baseball, work) and the opportunity is there, if they chose to be sexually active. Unless you watch your kid 24/7, especially after they get a drivers license, there is no way to control them. Its part of letting go and hoping we've laid the foundation for good decision making.

Parents who think they can enforce no sex before marriage are naive at best.