Sex in a Teenager's Bedroom? What say you?

[Anonymous]

I read this article about respecting teenage relationships and allowing sleepovers/cohabitation and it made me wonder about the validity of that strategy. My kid is only 4 but with teenage nieces/nephews, I am already thinking about how we might handle these issues in the future. Curious to know what parents of teenagers think.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/12/sex_in_a_teenager_s_room_evidence_suggests_it_s_good_for_kids_and_parents.html

[Anonymous]

Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

Oh, bullshit. My kids know there's no sex before marriage.

[Anonymous]

No way.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this. My kids are not teens yet but I think back to my teenage years and the truth was despite my conservative catholic parents I had a lot of (protected/responsible/monogamous) sex in my house. Mostly after school before my parents got home. I think of nights where I said I would be at Susies house and he said he would be at Tommies house and we would just ride around all night from party to party or get a hotel room if we had enough cash and I can see now that staying at one of our parents house would have been a lot safer, however it would of NEVER been allowed. I have no answers really, but its something I wonder how we will handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

OP here and, well, exactly, PP. My frame of reference is my own upbringing. My mother never forbade anything. She simply let us know her feelings about things, why she felt we should wait, and what we should do to protect ourselves if we didn't. The result is that I delayed sex well beyond the vast majority of my friends and classmates (i.e. later years of college). I was educated and could make an educated decision. The kids I knew who were "forbidden" to have sex knew the least about it and were the most likely to have sex too soon. I want to raise my child the way I was raised, and I often wonder how I will feel if he is having sex as a teenager. One thing I DO know is that I want him to look to us, his parents, for knowledge and support, and not his uninformed/misinformed friends, the internet, etc.

Anyone else have some actual thoughts based in reality, instead of parental fantasy land?

[Anonymous]

I use the Swedish / Finnish approach. Seems to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

Oh, bullshit. My kids know there's no sex before marriage.

OP here. They know those are your values. It doesn't guarantee they will uphold them, but I can see where you might need to believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use the Swedish / Finnish approach. Seems to work.

What is the Swedish/Finnish approach as opposed to the Dutch approach discussed in the article?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way.

How would you feel if you found out your teenager was having sex? Would you react angrily? Or would you try to win their trust so they would open up to you? I would want my child to feel comfortable discussing it with me so I can make sure they know facts, not whatever nonsense their sheltered or misinformed friends might say.

[Anonymous]

My kid is only 6 and I have no idea how I will approach this when the time comes.

All I can say is that it doesn't seem an unreasonable approach. I never had sex in my parents' house, but i did have sleepovers with my high school boyfriend, who became my husband, and 25 years later, he is the only man I have been with.

So, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this. My kids are not teens yet but I think back to my teenage years and the truth was despite my conservative catholic parents I had a lot of (protected/responsible/monogamous) sex in my house. Mostly after school before my parents got home. I think of nights where I said I would be at Susies house and he said he would be at Tommies house and we would just ride around all night from party to party or get a hotel room if we had enough cash and I can see now that staying at one of our parents house would have been a lot safer, however it would of NEVER been allowed. I have no answers really, but its something I wonder how we will handle.

I guess the slut gene does exist.

You wonder why men don't respect women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this. My kids are not teens yet but I think back to my teenage years and the truth was despite my conservative catholic parents I had a lot of (protected/responsible/monogamous) sex in my house. Mostly after school before my parents got home. I think of nights where I said I would be at Susies house and he said he would be at Tommies house and we would just ride around all night from party to party or get a hotel room if we had enough cash and I can see now that staying at one of our parents house would have been a lot safer, however it would of NEVER been allowed. I have no answers really, but its something I wonder how we will handle.

I guess the slut gene does exist.

You wonder why men don't respect women.

Please, go away. This could be an interesting discussion without this kind of nonsense. I am the OP and I understand why people are uncomfortable with the topic. But, it is important to address so let's try our best to have a respectful, adult discussion. If you can't, please stop posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is only 6 and I have no idea how I will approach this when the time comes.

All I can say is that it doesn't seem an unreasonable approach. I never had sex in my parents' house, but i did have sleepovers with my high school boyfriend, who became my husband, and 25 years later, he is the only man I have been with.

So, I don't know.

OP again. I know, it seems a long way off, no? But, as an example, we have friends with an 11 year old boy and they have always been open with him and sex and anatomy from the beginning. The result is that now, at 11, when he has questions he asks his mother. He knows his questions will be respected and answered truthfully, and that his curiosity is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I see their approach as a model and we have tried to follow it. What I wonder about is where that approach might lead, and how I would feel if my son came to me at 15 or 16 and told me he was having sex, or thinking about having sex. I'd like to think I would be calm and supportive, and be able to discuss it with him rationally. The reality is if he is set on doing it, he's going to do it (at least based on my experiences growing up). So he'd be doing it SOMEWHERE. The question is, could I or would I be able to give him carte blanche to have sex in my house? The open-minded part of me says yes. The emotional mother goes "arggggghhhhhh!"

So, I am curious to hear what parents of teenagers think, if anyone has approached this issue in the "Dutch" way, and what the consequences were/have been.