Sex in a Teenager's Bedroom? What say you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents thing was "no sex before you're ready." Marriage wasn't even a factor. If I was capable of asking them directly for birth control, could tell them how I was protecting myself, knew who my partner would be, they didn't care. My boyfriend spent the night probably half the week all through my junior and senior years of high school. I saw him at a funeral last summer and it was a pleasant run-in. I think I was better prepared for what happened in college because I had a stable relationship that included sex and everything that comes with it before I got there.

OP here. What did your boyfriend's parents think? Did you parents ever talk to the BF about the sleepover situation? Or did his parents talk with the two of you? Curious how all four parents handled the situation.

His parents were on the same page. It wasn't unheard of for us to sleep at his parents house. I didn't have siblings at home so we had more free space at my house, so we hung out there. My parents never really addressed the sleep over situation. All of our parents talked one time that I overheard (no, they didn't know each other before we got together) and it wasn't an issue. They also discussed what happens if we showed up drunk from a party. I think there's a lot more open minded people around than you would assume.

I should also add that I think the decision to allow the sleepovers should really depend on your child's maturity. It is in no way for everybody. I had been dating my boyfriend for a year, he was around the house all the time, did family things with us. It was clearly not just a random guy I was talking to for a couple weeks.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. Do you mind if I ask where you grew up (i.e. what city and/or state)?

I grew up in St. Louis City.

No kidding? Wow. I grew up in the Midwest too, but where I'm from I knew no parents who would have been cool with that arrangement. How did that experience impact your future relationships with men for good or for bad? How did it impact your relationships with parents, i.e. were you open with each other about sex during that time? It sounds like you were pretty mature and well-adjusted and probably stayed that way.

I think it helped my future relationships. I was less sexually-reckless than my friends in college, didn't hop in bed on the first or second date, and am generally very upfront about all things sex related when I get to that point with someone. My current boyfriend and I had no problem discussing contraception when I told him I didn't want to be on birth control anymore, what happens if I do get pregnant, etc. I think it also made me trust my own judgement when it comes to sex and intimacy. I can't think of any negative impact it's had.

My parents and I are reasonably open about sex. My mother actually never said anything that resembled the "birds and bees" talk, but my dad had me go through the entire process of where the sperm goes from penis to implantation in the uterus before he agreed to birth control. Beyond that, I got the occasional question when I changed boyfriends about contraception and STD testing. It's been 10 years and I will still get asked. When I was probably 21 or 22 my grandmother asked about my sex life. I was floored when the question came out of her mouth. It definitely took out a lot of the stigma that sex carries. We talked about my friend with benefits at the time. It seemed like normal conversation even though the logical part of my brain was exploding trying to figure out what universe I was in.

Saying that I'm from St. Louis City, I should probably clarify, I am 1/2 white and 1/2 native american.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way I'd ever openly allow teenagers to have sex in our home. I realize that then this will make them go elsewhere (like I did), but I'd hope that my ongoing, casual chats about sexuality will make my children realize the huge responsibility that is part of being sexually active (emotional issues, STDs, pregnancy, birth control, intimacy...) and should they choose to be sexually active at a young age, they'll take precautions and be able to frankly discuss their decisions with one another.

I feel strongly that I have to take a moral high ground and not allow such boundaries to be crossed.

Curious to know, since you clearly had sex somewhere as a kid, whether or not you were aware of the responsibility, birth control, STD's and all that? There seems to be an assumption that all teens having sex are clueless about these things, which was not my experience growing up. Although I will say that there was a strong correlation between the girls I knew who had sex too early (before they were emotionally ready) and parents who were very strict about those things and not open to frank discussions.

In many ways, I was blithely naive, but knew to use birth control every single time. Looking back, I am fortunate not to have been sexually abused, as I lacked self confidence, was sexually curious with a rebellious spirit, boy crazy and considered a very cute girl. I was raised Catholic and was a teenager in the 1980s. My parents told me nothing, taught me nothing. I read widely and educated myself on human sexuality. As a mom now, I want to do more for my kids than my own parents did and that involves talking about anatomy, sexuality, dating, peer pressure, pregnancy, dating, marriage, etc., all in an ongoing, casual manner. I can instill my values and tell the occasional, age appropriate story that might serve as a cautionary tale or might even be funny...(nothing too personal).

[Anonymous]

I think it is a tough question, because it also necessarily involves another teen and his/her parents are well as you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

But if the parents are saying "not in my house" or "not until you are 21", aren't they involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

Then you'll probably be scandalized by this TV ad (NOT SAFE FOR WORK):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHagIVGGdOo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

So much for communication between parents and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

But if the parents are saying "not in my house" or "not until you are 21", aren't they involved?

My own parents were of the "not in my house" variety. I don't recall them ever spelling it out quite like that, but they didn't have to say it, because we knew, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

Then you'll probably be scandalized by this TV ad (NOT SAFE FOR WORK):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHagIVGGdOo

Priceless. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

Oh, bullshit. My kids know there's no sex before marriage.

then prepare to be planning a wedding when your kid is 18 or less. I know 3 families with this philosophy and elopements were the case for 2 of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, considering that there will be no sex before marriage, I think this article is sort of moot.

Unless you're the one having (or not having) the sex before marriage, you can't actually say that. What you can say is, "Considering that I will not condone sex before marriage..."

Oh, bullshit. My kids know there's no sex before marriage.

then prepare to be planning a wedding when your kid is 18 or less. I know 3 families with this philosophy and elopements were the case for 2 of them.

No, some of them really do wait until they are through college. It isn't always easy but if it's a priority for them and a firm religious belief (in their own heart and mind) they can do it.

I do recall seeing some young adults who waited mainly because they feared their parents' disapproval. They sat long and miserably on their blocks of ice, afraid to move.

[Anonymous]

I'm very open with my kids about sex. I've asked them to wait until they're at least 18 (legally adults) and in monogamous, committed relationships before choosing to have sex, though of course it's up to them to follow my guidelines or not.

Both of my older daughters didn't have sex until they were freshmen in college, and my son is still a virgin entering his sophomore year in college (he also hasn't dated, but that's another issue altogether). My youngest child is only 15 and isn't allowed to date until 16, but she isn't interested in dating right now. It's extremely helpful for the younger kids to see the older kids abide by our shared value system.

Re: sleepovers, my college daughter has had her boyfriend over a couple of times, but he sleeps on the couch downstairs. When my daughter is at his house, she's in his room and he's on the couch (per his mother). I understand they're having sex in the dorm or wherever, but I don't condone them sleeping in the same bed in this house at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back here 14:43. Your nonsense is also not warranted toward the first PP, because, as was pointed out, you are making a lot of assumptions that most likely aren't true. Your judgmental nature is certainly showing through however. If this equates to "mature adult" in your world, well, I can't help you.

OP, your child is four. Sounds like he's your first, too. You have no idea how the world will have changed in the next 10 years. I'm just saying that:
1, no a parent cannot serve the function of a friend;
2, there are some things teens just aren't ready for (frankly it's better put off til college when they've matured just a little bit more);
3, mixed messages serve you ill -- and letting teens sleep over whilst hoping they'll use protection and have safe, happy outcomes definitely sends a naive mixed message;
4, on a wide-open anonymous forum like DCUM, people are going to be called out for their nonsense rather quickly;
5, however adult you claim this discussion to be, I hear a whole lot of denial coming from several directions;
6, all caps "shouting" belies insecurity in an opinion, rather than firm resolve.

Thanks for the lecture, grandma. I capped one word to emphasize it. You're projecting.

The takeaway: if a poster replies "you're projecting", that means she ain't got nothin'.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of Fish is where your kid can find love to bring to your house.

Bow chica wow wow all night long !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not older teens, true. But I do have a problem with parents taking on the responsibility of providing bc and places (within the home) for their kids to have sex. I guess that the parents feel like if they don't do those things for their child, their child wouldn't be able to handle sex responsibly - they might very careless, get into trouble, etc. To me, such precautions and over involvement by the parents is a very real indication that the child is simply not ready to having sex. Period.

+ 1

Sex is an adult activity. Parents should not be involved AT ALL in their children's sex lives in any way shape or form.

I agree- this is a turn I did not see helicopter parent taking! But I can also see where one might be more "prude" and say if sex is an adult activity, then adults do not live with their parents (or really, shouldn't- barring these strange economic times with boomerang kids, but that's a different story IMO).

FWIW, when I was growing up well to do, educated families wouldn't even think of this. The teenage boyfriend staying over was the stuff of Jerry Springer and Teen Mom type shows (even though that wasn't around when I was young).

I also think about the such limited precious time you get as a family while the kids are still home under the roof together before college. It undoubtedly changes the dynamics for everyone if the oldest kid's BF or GF is practically moved in. I know its supposed to be progressive but it all seems a little bit "low life" to me, I don't know why.