Any moms regret quitting their jobs to stay home?

[Anonymous]

i think we can all agree that everyone wants the beat of both worlds. and then reality kicks in. finances, wanting to be a person, not just a mom. wanting to be a sahm mom
vs focused on career. and we adjust out choices appropriately. that is life. no right or wrong way about it.

but keep continuing to beat this dead horse anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

[Anonymous]

OP, my advice to you is to work part-time.

It sounds to me like you don't have a "dream" of being a stay at home mom, or else you would have already done it since you have the financial means to do so. Since being stay at home has never been your ultimate goal, my sense is that you may be less than satisfied on a number of levels if you quit your job and stayed home 100 percent. You have worked hard to have a career and gotten through the baby years without quitting, so I would be reluctant to completely quit at this time.

On the other hand, it sounds like you want to be a more present parent, able to pick up your kids from school and such, and that you want to spend more time supporting and helping your family. This is a commendable goal and it sounds like your kids and husband would benefit from your being more involved with your kids and at home more.

If your current job does not offer part-time, consider your other options. But, if you are good at your job, you may be surprised to learn that your current employer is willing to carve out some sort of part-time situation for you. Most employers want to retain good employees who know and understand the business. If that does not work out, I'd consider all options (even low- and non-paying options) for part-time work.

BTW, I am a part-time lawyer/mom and I love it. I would not go back to full-time voluntarily (at least while my kids are still at home), nor would I completely quit my profession. I've worked too hard to get where I am professionally to simply walk away. In addition, I like to keep working because it makes me feel good about myself and provides a nice income and source of security to my family. Being part-time is hard because you feel like you are being torn in two directions sometimes, and you make sacrifices to your career and home since you are not there as much as expected. But I would not have it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Except she has never been a SAHM so actually has never experienced anything the OP was talking about. Most WOHMs who have never stayed at home are very anti-SAH so her attitude is right in line. Doesn't say anything about actual real life experiences of SAHMs, as this poster has none.

Ugh, so annoying. I'm sure "most" WOHMs think that SAHMs have made the right choice for THEIR family and don't think about it beyond that. They are not mostly "very anti-SAH."

[Anonymous]

I work full-time and have a 5yo and a 3yo. I had been very back and forth about what the right choice was for our family, but I'm glad I kept working. No, we don't have fancy cars or a fancy house, we don't have a housekeeper, and we take one vacation a year to the beach, but we do have lots of college savings and 401k savings and regular savings. My husband and I also went through a period where he had made a really bad choice and I thought we might actually be divorcing and when he told me, the very first thought that popped into my head after the complete shock had worn off a bit was "THANK GOD I KEPT WORKING." Certainly not saying to always plan for the worst, and you know your spouse best, but ever since then I know that for me personally, I feel more comfortable making an income myself and knowing that I can ramp up my career to make enough to support us should something happen.

I don't love my job, but I really really like it. And I'm good at it. And I look forward to my career growing after the kids don't need me as much. I made the right choice for MY family (note, I'm making no judgement about the right choice for anyone else's family - it's certainly possible to have lots of savings with one parent staying home and it's certainly valid if you value staying at home over saving for college and retirement - your choice).

Now all that said, if my DH made $500k, here's what I'd do. I'd keep working. Either part-time or full-time really. And I'd have a housekeeper to do all the boring stuff, I'd start work late enough that I could drop the kids off at school in the morning and have an excellent nanny that I'd pay well to pick the kids up from school and play with them for a couple of hours until I got home. Heck, I'd probably have someone make us dinner too. I'd have a house right next to my work so I had no commute.

All the bad things about working can be done away with with money, particularly when the kids are in school all day anyway. That sounds like an awesome life to me anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the question needs to be asked of the moms with much, much older kids.

The SAHMs in the midst of caring for pre-school aged kids- babies and toddlers- generally don't have time to bemoan quitting because they are so busy on the home front.

Ask these moms down the road when the kids are in school full-day or approaching college--and then they are trying to get back in the work force (or maybe not).

I say this because I personally know a lot of moms that called it quits without looking far enough into the future. I also know moms that were able to fanagle a part-time schedule thereby keeping a foot in the door and ramping back up to full-time when kids fled the nest (and they were majorly depressed at this time). The impact to their career was much more minimal. The moms I know with an empty nest and no job have suffered the worst.

Obviously, moms married to big earners without the financial stress, the planning for retirment stress and paying for college will have an easier time.

People are only really adressing the baby/toddler years in this thread. You really need to be looking at it from a lifelong perspective. Anyone that has some form of part-time or WAH type arrangement offered to them would be silly to quit completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Listen bitch, it's called life. We all have one and we evaluate what works best for us. We are all DEPENDENT on someone because that is how LIFE works. What happens when your nanny or daycare provider who you really don't know from a can of paint molests your child? What happens when the strangers you are dependent on to care for your child does something that psychologically damages them? What happens when they weren't watching closely enough and your kid gets hit by a car?

What happens when you get hit by a car, you are disabled, and now you have to DEPEND on your spouse for the rest of your life? What happens when your industry tanks and you can't find a job to save your life but you have been depending on 2 incomes to survive?

What if we sit here and play what if games until someone has an anxiety attack? Or what if we use some common sense and realize dependency is the American way of life so we make the best choices and plan for what we can while realizing that we aren't in control of everything.

- Business owner who depends on customers and employees in order to profit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$500K?? I would quit in a heartbeat. Are you joking?

Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

I think it is great to plan for the worst with adequate savings, insurance, maybe even a post-nup. But to live your life scared of what may happen is a little cowardly. It her husband leaves her, I am sure she would be able to step up and figure something out. Also, there will be assets to split and maybe even alimony, plus child support, so it isn't like she would be totally SOL. Things are different when you are rich. It is a much more precarious situation for lower income households.

[Anonymous]

There was a time when I told my then fiance (now DH) that I would never ever be a sahm. Then life happened. I was definately more of a natural wohp than a sahp and staying at home didn't magically turn me into a decent housekeeper, but for our family it is the best situation of the available options. Both my DCs have some special needs that have required longer and more intense parenting and having a sahp helps that aspect.

For us dual wohp worked best in the early and preschool years and sah/woh has worked best for elementary/middle and hs years. The number of doctor and therapy vistis and IEP meetings would have made working problematic and I would have felt very conflicted. Being at home when my MS and HS get home and helping them with homework is essential for their issues and wouldn't work if we had to wait until after 6:00pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time and have a 5yo and a 3yo. I had been very back and forth about what the right choice was for our family, but I'm glad I kept working. No, we don't have fancy cars or a fancy house, we don't have a housekeeper, and we take one vacation a year to the beach, but we do have lots of college savings and 401k savings and regular savings. My husband and I also went through a period where he had made a really bad choice and I thought we might actually be divorcing and when he told me, the very first thought that popped into my head after the complete shock had worn off a bit was "THANK GOD I KEPT WORKING." Certainly not saying to always plan for the worst, and you know your spouse best, but ever since then I know that for me personally, I feel more comfortable making an income myself and knowing that I can ramp up my career to make enough to support us should something happen.

I don't love my job, but I really really like it. And I'm good at it. And I look forward to my career growing after the kids don't need me as much. I made the right choice for MY family (note, I'm making no judgement about the right choice for anyone else's family - it's certainly possible to have lots of savings with one parent staying home and it's certainly valid if you value staying at home over saving for college and retirement - your choice).

Now all that said, if my DH made $500k, here's what I'd do. I'd keep working. Either part-time or full-time really. And I'd have a housekeeper to do all the boring stuff, I'd start work late enough that I could drop the kids off at school in the morning and have an excellent nanny that I'd pay well to pick the kids up from school and play with them for a couple of hours until I got home. Heck, I'd probably have someone make us dinner too. I'd have a house right next to my work so I had no commute.

All the bad things about working can be done away with with money, particularly when the kids are in school all day anyway. That sounds like an awesome life to me anyway

OP here. I took extended maternity leave with both children. I took 6 months off with the first and almost a year off with the second. Any leave after the first 12 weeks (maybe 13 or 14 with accrued vacation) was unpaid. I basically make less than I did when I first came out of grad school. I used to have a much more demanding job before I had children. That is also probably why I find my current job unfulfilling. It is not challenging, not demanding and frankly not that interesting. It does keep my foot in the door but I just keep feeling like I am not loving work.

We currently have a great preschool with extended care that we are very happy with. The kids are well socialized and we are overall happy with our childcare arrangements. Both DH and I probably leave earliest from both our jobs since we rotate picking up the children. There are so many other activities that we don't do because we simply cannot commit. Soccer, t-ball, art, music, etc. all come to mind. Since our kids are younger than age 5 it was fine but I feel they would need more extracurriculars in the afternoons as they get older.

We have discussed having a full time nanny/housekeeper but we both strongly prefer that one parent is home in the afternoon. DH is against having a live in. We both don't like the idea of some young kid driving our kids around. Since DH outearns me, it makes sense for the parent who should do this is me. It would be nice if DH could coach soccer and t ball but it probably won't be possible. However, I could take my son to soccer or help him with his homework after school. I would be sad if we outsourced these tasks that I truly would love to do. I would love nothing more than to have my children's friends come over after school to have a snack and have a playdate. We can never do this since we work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I officially hate dcum for making me feel so poor. Ridiculous.

Another +1. Nothing against this OP. though.

If we were bringing in a six-figure HHI, let alone anything in the realm of $1 million, I'd be going NUTS at Whole Foods and I'd finally buy some decent bras.

+1!

EXACTLY!

I have to work and still can't afford fancy bras.

I have been wearing the same two bras for months now because I'm too lazy/broke to go out and buy new ones. Plus I'm still going to lose that extra 15 pounds, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband makes 500k and your biggest expense is only the $5000 mortgage. So even if it's harder to get back into the workforce, even if you have to take a paycut, it won't impact your family financially much since your family can already live well below your means currently. So apart from having to take a job that might not have maxed your potential when you left the workforce, the common downsides in terms of getting stuck with jobs with lesser pay, less prestigious jobs doesn't concern your situation. I would say go for the SAH.

The "common" downsides also include loss of husband at which point you're unprepared to take care of your kids. It's really surprising to me how many people are willing to rely on others for their financial well-being.

Most people rely on others for their financial well being you dolt.

Do you mean most adults rely on others for their financial well being? If so, why do you think so?

Are you a sea bajau? If not then you are relying on others for your financial well being. It is really stupid thing to be smug about, unless a course you are a member of the sea bajau people.

Are you brain dead or just pretending to be? When you put your financial well being in the hands of your husband, and he leaves you, or he doesn't leave you, but you are in an unhappy marriage and "feel trapped" (does this sound familiar? It's been the theme of many recent DCUM threads), you have NO OPTIONS. Yes, most of us rely on corporations or the federal government ("people," I suppose, in the grand scheme of the world) for employment, but what we are actually relying on is our own skills, talent, and marketability. When we give that up and become dependent - yes, DEPENDENT - upon a husband to care for our needs ($500K salary or not), then we are trapped. I don't give two shits whether you have a life insurance policy. Do you have a divorce insurance policy? A policy that will ensure anyone will hire you in the very real possibility you are forced to go back to work? Feel free to ignore reality until it hits you rudely in the face. But there it is, and it ain't pretty for women who don't work.

Sorry to threadjack, but does anyone else out there love their husband/wife a lot and have a happy marriage? It seems like there are so many people on here who view divorce as inevitable. Like PP here, who seems to believe that the two possible outcomes of a marriage are: being ditched or being trapped in misery.

Also, thanks to the other PP for introducing me to sea Bajau people. Fascinating!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP - I'm the one you quoted in the post above and appreciate you adding additional details to your query. That's why each and every family needs to make a decision that works best for them and them alone - everyone's preferences, values, financial situations, and the needs of your individual child, etc. vary so widely.

Definitely be thinking about this long-term - what works best for you now, when the kids are in elementary, when the kids are in HS, and after they are gone? But really none of what you posted sounds like you need to quit. It sounds like rationalizing what you WANT to do. And if you want to quit and you don't feel like you'll ever value your work and you are fine with not being able to get back into the workplace, then by all means, go for it. There are plenty of very happy SAHMs that have posted.

But to your post, here's what I would say if you're truly on the fence - you have a great preschool that you're very happy with. Your kids are under 5, but not yet in school? Stick with your current situation until they are in school and then re-evaluate. What time would you be able to leave work at the earliest? Do you have the option to be part-time or flex-time?

Yes, kids generally like to do more activities as they get older - I'm a full-time working parent and my kids do do soccer, art, and music class at various times during the year. Everything is on the weekends or in the evenings. I don't think that's a good enough reason to quit (again, unless you just really want to).

I'm not sure why you would need a full-time nanny/housekeeper, driver, or a live-in or why one of you couldn't be home in the afternoon even if you both work? We don't have any of those and no "young kid" is driving our kids around. I guess it depends on the flexibility of your work schedules and how far your school is and what time it gets out. And you're only talking about 3:00pm on at the earliest. Part-time or flex-time would totally work for you if it was possible. Again, not a reason in and of itself to totally quit working.

Most days I pick my daughter up from the bus at 4pm and we DO help with homework and have friends over and do classes after school. On the two or three days a week that I get home later, we maybe don't have a playdate or a class, but I still help with homework and cook dinner, etc. And I work full-time. They are not mutually exclusive.

It's hard when they are younger, but now that my oldest is in Kindergarten, I am glad I kept working. There is a huge swath of day from 8am to 4pm when she's at school - during that time, I work. At other times, I do all the things you mentioned loving. To me personally, it seems like the best of both worlds.