Missed deadline for parenting class in divorce- how bad is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

Listen to yourself:

Your children will affect your work schedule.

You think you will only be responsible for them 50/50.

You are still responsible for child during the other 50% of the time. Maybe you aren’t making a school lunch or driving them to gymnastic practice, but you are still responsible.

You must also realize that they get sick in the middle of the night sometimes and 50% of that will be on your schedule and at some of the worst possible times. Then there are summers where they are home all day everyday for weeks in end.

Ignoring the other digs at me in this thread, summer is easy to handle:

I can take them for ~10 days in the beginning of the summer for vacation and ~10 days at the end of August for vacation, which is what we've always done as a family. I don't see why that should have to change and it would give the kids continuity. DW has always been the one that decided what they do in the middle of that so she can be responsible for figuring out the weekdays and I can get enough weekends that with the ~20 days of vacation plus maybe Fourth of July weekend and Father's Day weekend every year it will add up to 50% of their summer break.

Re: sick days:

I don't see why our arrangements for sick days should have to change either. DW has far more personal days at her job than I do and always has, and she has handled the sick days for that reason. I think that given that the kids will be dependent on both of our incomes it is reasonable to negotiate into the settlement that as long as DW's work benefits stay the same, she should be the one to take off of work for the kids' sick days and/or handle pickup if we get a call from school.

You say crap like "DW has always been the one" and "I don't see why our arrangement has to change." But news flash...EVERYTHING is about the change. EVERYTHING. Get on board and stop seeing your exwife as the useful idiot whose job it is to make your life easier. You want 50/50 custody, be prepared to so it. That includes weekdays, school days, and summer days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

Listen to yourself:

Your children will affect your work schedule.

You think you will only be responsible for them 50/50.

You are still responsible for child during the other 50% of the time. Maybe you aren’t making a school lunch or driving them to gymnastic practice, but you are still responsible.

You must also realize that they get sick in the middle of the night sometimes and 50% of that will be on your schedule and at some of the worst possible times. Then there are summers where they are home all day everyday for weeks in end.

Ignoring the other digs at me in this thread, summer is easy to handle:

I can take them for ~10 days in the beginning of the summer for vacation and ~10 days at the end of August for vacation, which is what we've always done as a family. I don't see why that should have to change and it would give the kids continuity. DW has always been the one that decided what they do in the middle of that so she can be responsible for figuring out the weekdays and I can get enough weekends that with the ~20 days of vacation plus maybe Fourth of July weekend and Father's Day weekend every year it will add up to 50% of their summer break.

Re: sick days:

I don't see why our arrangements for sick days should have to change either. DW has far more personal days at her job than I do and always has, and she has handled the sick days for that reason. I think that given that the kids will be dependent on both of our incomes it is reasonable to negotiate into the settlement that as long as DW's work benefits stay the same, she should be the one to take off of work for the kids' sick days and/or handle pickup if we get a call from school.

Omg. You have to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

Listen to yourself:

Your children will affect your work schedule.

You think you will only be responsible for them 50/50.

You are still responsible for child during the other 50% of the time. Maybe you aren’t making a school lunch or driving them to gymnastic practice, but you are still responsible.

You must also realize that they get sick in the middle of the night sometimes and 50% of that will be on your schedule and at some of the worst possible times. Then there are summers where they are home all day everyday for weeks in end.

Ignoring the other digs at me in this thread, summer is easy to handle:

I can take them for ~10 days in the beginning of the summer for vacation and ~10 days at the end of August for vacation, which is what we've always done as a family. I don't see why that should have to change and it would give the kids continuity. DW has always been the one that decided what they do in the middle of that so she can be responsible for figuring out the weekdays and I can get enough weekends that with the ~20 days of vacation plus maybe Fourth of July weekend and Father's Day weekend every year it will add up to 50% of their summer break.

Re: sick days:

I don't see why our arrangements for sick days should have to change either. DW has far more personal days at her job than I do and always has, and she has handled the sick days for that reason. I think that given that the kids will be dependent on both of our incomes it is reasonable to negotiate into the settlement that as long as DW's work benefits stay the same, she should be the one to take off of work for the kids' sick days and/or handle pickup if we get a call from school.

It will change because her personal days are no longer yours to claim to protect your job! You're getting divorced. That means she's not going to be your wife anymore. She's going to want to use her personal days for her own custody time and her own activities. Maybe to take a vacation with her new boyfriend. Who knows. The point is, it's not up to you anymore and she DGAF about your convenience and your oh so important job.

Look, you can't just claim all the fun relaxed weekends and stick her with the weeknight hassles and the barfing! That's not how this works. Listen to yourself, you just tried to claim ALL holidays! She's never going to agree to that, and she shouldn't.

What you propose isn't even 50/50. If you had all weekends that's 104 days. Plus 20 for the weekdays of two summer vacations is 124. Plus 3 for Thanksgiving, 5 for February and 5 for April, that's 137. A few 3 day weekends not already counted is 140. If you had all of every December break like your deranged fantasy plan, that's 150. But that's not 50%. 50% of 365 is 182.5. You're still quite low, barely over 40%. And you don't even realize it. Actually having 50/50 will affect your work and there's no way around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone mandated to take a parenting class whose first instinct is to blame his attorney, I'm going to guess it won't go well for you.

The best you can do is register right now, today, with a start date as soon as possible and show the court you are working in good faith to correct YOUR error.

You may also want to look at your tendency to overlook deadlines and shift blame. You may find other things that will help you improve yourself and your co-parenting abilities.

I've been really busy with travel and work and I really don't think it should be held against me if I'm the higher earning and primary provider for the family. DW has time to do it on time because she doesn't do anything.

Wait, what? She doesn't do anything, but she also has a job? Come on. Which is it?

Look, you clearly filed for divorce without thinking it through. Either accept less than 50/50 and pay child support accordingly, or get down on your knees and ask your wife to take you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

Listen to yourself:

Your children will affect your work schedule.

You think you will only be responsible for them 50/50.

You are still responsible for child during the other 50% of the time. Maybe you aren’t making a school lunch or driving them to gymnastic practice, but you are still responsible.

You must also realize that they get sick in the middle of the night sometimes and 50% of that will be on your schedule and at some of the worst possible times. Then there are summers where they are home all day everyday for weeks in end.

Ignoring the other digs at me in this thread, summer is easy to handle:

I can take them for ~10 days in the beginning of the summer for vacation and ~10 days at the end of August for vacation, which is what we've always done as a family. I don't see why that should have to change and it would give the kids continuity. DW has always been the one that decided what they do in the middle of that so she can be responsible for figuring out the weekdays and I can get enough weekends that with the ~20 days of vacation plus maybe Fourth of July weekend and Father's Day weekend every year it will add up to 50% of their summer break.

Re: sick days:

I don't see why our arrangements for sick days should have to change either. DW has far more personal days at her job than I do and always has, and she has handled the sick days for that reason. I think that given that the kids will be dependent on both of our incomes it is reasonable to negotiate into the settlement that as long as DW's work benefits stay the same, she should be the one to take off of work for the kids' sick days and/or handle pickup if we get a call from school.

It will change because her personal days are no longer yours to claim to protect your job! You're getting divorced. That means she's not going to be your wife anymore. She's going to want to use her personal days for her own custody time and her own activities. Maybe to take a vacation with her new boyfriend. Who knows. The point is, it's not up to you anymore and she DGAF about your convenience and your oh so important job.

Look, you can't just claim all the fun relaxed weekends and stick her with the weeknight hassles and the barfing! That's not how this works. Listen to yourself, you just tried to claim ALL holidays! She's never going to agree to that, and she shouldn't.

What you propose isn't even 50/50. If you had all weekends that's 104 days. Plus 20 for the weekdays of two summer vacations is 124. Plus 3 for Thanksgiving, 5 for February and 5 for April, that's 137. A few 3 day weekends not already counted is 140. If you had all of every December break like your deranged fantasy plan, that's 150. But that's not 50%. 50% of 365 is 182.5. You're still quite low, barely over 40%. And you don't even realize it. Actually having 50/50 will affect your work and there's no way around it.

Parents like OP may seek 50/50, but they don’t take the kids 50% of the time. You can’t force someone to take all of their custodial time.

When my spouse and I were in marriage counseling, I expressed that even though it would make me really sad to be with my kids only 50% of the time if we separated, at least this custody arrangement would force spouse to take on half the parenting duties. Our counselor replied that separation and divorce don’t make people more interested in parenting, and that if spouse wanted to do 50% of the parenting duties, they’d already be doing them. I doubted the counselor, but guess what? We separated and spouse didn’t see how they could possibly take the kids 50% of the time with their demanding job, so they declined 50/50. Just like OP, they wanted to see the kids when it was convenient and hang out in the marital home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone mandated to take a parenting class whose first instinct is to blame his attorney, I'm going to guess it won't go well for you.

The best you can do is register right now, today, with a start date as soon as possible and show the court you are working in good faith to correct YOUR error.

You may also want to look at your tendency to overlook deadlines and shift blame. You may find other things that will help you improve yourself and your co-parenting abilities.

I've been really busy with travel and work and I really don't think it should be held against me if I'm the higher earning and primary provider for the family. DW has time to do it on time because she doesn't do anything.

Wait, what? She doesn't do anything, but she also has a job? Come on. Which is it?

Look, you clearly filed for divorce without thinking it through. Either accept less than 50/50 and pay child support accordingly, or get down on your knees and ask your wife to take you back.

Yeah he presents his ex as though she's a SAHM who can barely get out of bed. Then inadvertently contradicts himself by admitting she has a job and does the majority of childcare. She's been propping his life up for years and is tired of his never-ending BS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

Listen to yourself:

Your children will affect your work schedule.

You think you will only be responsible for them 50/50.

You are still responsible for child during the other 50% of the time. Maybe you aren’t making a school lunch or driving them to gymnastic practice, but you are still responsible.

You must also realize that they get sick in the middle of the night sometimes and 50% of that will be on your schedule and at some of the worst possible times. Then there are summers where they are home all day everyday for weeks in end.

Ignoring the other digs at me in this thread, summer is easy to handle:

I can take them for ~10 days in the beginning of the summer for vacation and ~10 days at the end of August for vacation, which is what we've always done as a family. I don't see why that should have to change and it would give the kids continuity. DW has always been the one that decided what they do in the middle of that so she can be responsible for figuring out the weekdays and I can get enough weekends that with the ~20 days of vacation plus maybe Fourth of July weekend and Father's Day weekend every year it will add up to 50% of their summer break.

Re: sick days:

I don't see why our arrangements for sick days should have to change either. DW has far more personal days at her job than I do and always has, and she has handled the sick days for that reason. I think that given that the kids will be dependent on both of our incomes it is reasonable to negotiate into the settlement that as long as DW's work benefits stay the same, she should be the one to take off of work for the kids' sick days and/or handle pickup if we get a call from school.

It will change because her personal days are no longer yours to claim to protect your job! You're getting divorced. That means she's not going to be your wife anymore. She's going to want to use her personal days for her own custody time and her own activities. Maybe to take a vacation with her new boyfriend. Who knows. The point is, it's not up to you anymore and she DGAF about your convenience and your oh so important job.

Look, you can't just claim all the fun relaxed weekends and stick her with the weeknight hassles and the barfing! That's not how this works. Listen to yourself, you just tried to claim ALL holidays! She's never going to agree to that, and she shouldn't.

What you propose isn't even 50/50. If you had all weekends that's 104 days. Plus 20 for the weekdays of two summer vacations is 124. Plus 3 for Thanksgiving, 5 for February and 5 for April, that's 137. A few 3 day weekends not already counted is 140. If you had all of every December break like your deranged fantasy plan, that's 150. But that's not 50%. 50% of 365 is 182.5. You're still quite low, barely over 40%. And you don't even realize it. Actually having 50/50 will affect your work and there's no way around it.

Parents like OP may seek 50/50, but they don’t take the kids 50% of the time. You can’t force someone to take all of their custodial time.

When my spouse and I were in marriage counseling, I expressed that even though it would make me really sad to be with my kids only 50% of the time if we separated, at least this custody arrangement would force spouse to take on half the parenting duties. Our counselor replied that separation and divorce don’t make people more interested in parenting, and that if spouse wanted to do 50% of the parenting duties, they’d already be doing them. I doubted the counselor, but guess what? We separated and spouse didn’t see how they could possibly take the kids 50% of the time with their demanding job, so they declined 50/50. Just like OP, they wanted to see the kids when it was convenient and hang out in the marital home.

Totally this. His deranged plan is not even 50/50 and he can't be bothered to do the math. He thinks his wife will settle for no weekends and holidays forever because it's less face time with the kids-- the fact that he thinks this is a good deal for her says it all.

Either change jobs or pay up, OP. Your wife is probably looking forward to you finally being a real parent. You can't just visit at your convenience like an uncle. You have to take to the good with the bad to be a real parent. The inconveniences and the illnesses and the battles over homework. All of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The process is annoying, but having children in your care can be annoying and unpredictable and they will mess with your schedule. You have to show that you can handle this. Nothing you're saying would convince me.

I think that they will actually affect my schedule far less if I can get 50/50 and know when I need to be responsible for them and then be able to focus on work the rest of the time, and if anything I will be a better parent after divorce because I will not have my focus split all of the time between two things.

What two things is your focus being split between now?

Also, did you not know the time of the parenting class? I am confused.

There were different class times to sign up for but I didn't realize how it worked until it was too late; I assumed my attorney would present me with options and make sure I took care of it.

My focus now is being split between family and work. I think that 50/50 custody would let me go all-in at work when I don't have the kids and be more present for them when I do, and I think it will be better for them than before divorce.

Who will make sure your kids make doctor's appointments, schedule vaccines, register for school and camps, get to their activities on time? Be honest.

[Anonymous]

50/50, unless you negotiate an agreement outside of court, means you take half of all school days, half of weekend days and half of sick days. You go to all the doctors appointment appointments since you both need the info. You go to all the school things (performances, conferences, back to school nights) and in this case where your stbx has sacrificed her career you pay child support and alimony.

If that’s not what you want you agree to an arrangement where you have joint legal and she has primary physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone mandated to take a parenting class whose first instinct is to blame his attorney, I'm going to guess it won't go well for you.

The best you can do is register right now, today, with a start date as soon as possible and show the court you are working in good faith to correct YOUR error.

You may also want to look at your tendency to overlook deadlines and shift blame. You may find other things that will help you improve yourself and your co-parenting abilities.

I've been really busy with travel and work and I really don't think it should be held against me if I'm the higher earning and primary provider for the family. DW has time to do it on time because she doesn't do anything.

Wait, what? She doesn't do anything, but she also has a job? Come on. Which is it?

Look, you clearly filed for divorce without thinking it through. Either accept less than 50/50 and pay child support accordingly, or get down on your knees and ask your wife to take you back.

Yeah he presents his ex as though she's a SAHM who can barely get out of bed. Then inadvertently contradicts himself by admitting she has a job and does the majority of childcare. She's been propping his life up for years and is tired of his never-ending BS

+1

OP, it’s possible your wife will now have a chance to lean in and develop her career, since she doesn’t have to worry about being the “flexible” and “available” one anymore. Her sick days aren’t yours to determine. And taking lots of sick days can sideline people in certain workplaces, even though they are available on paper.

You will have to make adjustments to your work life. That’s what happens in divorce. The divorce and your kids are now the central things, not things you have to fit around your work life. Is it going to be hard? Of course. I’m sorry your family is going through this. Keep the kids at the forefront. If you love your children, you have to make room for them to be front and center. It won’t be forever. They will grow up and you’ll be an empty nester at some point. But now more than ever they have to feel like they are a priority and that you want them just as much as their mother wants them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually want 50/50, OP? If you're having this much trouble managing your job plus the basic logistics of divorce, can you really do 50% of all kid hassles, kid appointments, kid homework management, kid activities, etc? She won't be the lead parent anymore-- you'll have to pull your weight and not follow her lead and have her as backup so much.

It's all too common for men to claim to want 50/50 because that's socially acceptable or it minimizes their child support payment, but then they don't actually want it and don't actually do it. Really ask yourself how this is going to work with your job, and remember, she can keep track of all the times you don't use your parenting days and use that to get more child support.

50% is totally doable and I don't know why everyone is convinced that I don't want it or can't make it work. If I get long weekends, most other weekends, breaks during the school year, and the beginning and end of summer break plus weekends in the summer, that is very close to 50% and might even be more. It isn't a big deal to make that fit around my job.

Occasional weekends and random holidays is nowhere close to 50%. You’re a vindictive deadbeat dad. Everyone can see through your facade, and it’s not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually want 50/50, OP? If you're having this much trouble managing your job plus the basic logistics of divorce, can you really do 50% of all kid hassles, kid appointments, kid homework management, kid activities, etc? She won't be the lead parent anymore-- you'll have to pull your weight and not follow her lead and have her as backup so much.

It's all too common for men to claim to want 50/50 because that's socially acceptable or it minimizes their child support payment, but then they don't actually want it and don't actually do it. Really ask yourself how this is going to work with your job, and remember, she can keep track of all the times you don't use your parenting days and use that to get more child support.

50% is totally doable and I don't know why everyone is convinced that I don't want it or can't make it work. If I get long weekends, most other weekends, breaks during the school year, and the beginning and end of summer break plus weekends in the summer, that is very close to 50% and might even be more. It isn't a big deal to make that fit around my job.

Because that doesn't add up to 50% and because your wife is not going to agree to no weekends and no holidays. You think she wants to spend every Christmas morning apart from her kids, forever? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll harder, dude. You were believable at first, but you’ve taken the delusional male entitlement too far. Everyone knows that 50/50 doesn’t mean one parent gets all the most convenient, fun times and the other parent gets all the inconvenience and the lion’s share of the grunt work.

I would argue that having weekends and breaks is way more work than if my wife got school days. She would only be doing a tiny amount of time in the morning and a couple hours after extracurriculars in the evening. Weekends would easily be 12 hours per day, so I would be giving her a longer break than what I would get and would actually be the one doing the grunt work. Not trolling, just being rational.

If you are smart, you should know that humans are both emotional and rational. If your time proposal appears to advantage you, the person who initiated the divorce, that is likely to be emotionally unacceptable and likely will not be the final outcome of your negotiations.

Your wife may prefer weekend stretches of custody time. Children often get a bit tired and cranky on weekdays because they are growing and a lot are overscheduled. In addition, many fun, social activities for children only occur on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll harder, dude. You were believable at first, but you’ve taken the delusional male entitlement too far. Everyone knows that 50/50 doesn’t mean one parent gets all the most convenient, fun times and the other parent gets all the inconvenience and the lion’s share of the grunt work.

I would argue that having weekends and breaks is way more work than if my wife got school days. She would only be doing a tiny amount of time in the morning and a couple hours after extracurriculars in the evening. Weekends would easily be 12 hours per day, so I would be giving her a longer break than what I would get and would actually be the one doing the grunt work. Not trolling, just being rational.

If you are smart, you should know that humans are both emotional and rational. If your time proposal appears to advantage you, the person who initiated the divorce, that is likely to be emotionally unacceptable and likely will not be the final outcome of your negotiations.

Your wife may prefer weekend stretches of custody time. Children often get a bit tired and cranky on weekdays because they are growing and a lot are overscheduled. In addition, many fun, social activities for children only occur on weekends.

Not having the kids on any weekends will be unpleasant for the wife, because she likes some time with the kids. It will also mean she doesn't see a lot of their games and other activities, and she is isolated from her parent friends because she doesn't see them as much. And of course, dads like this do a bad job with setting up playdates and accepting invites (or even responding to invites) so the kids will suffer socially.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you thought through how busy weekends can be with more than one kid? What will you do when their activities overlap in such a way that one parent can't get them to both? If you ask your wife to help, then it's fair for her to ask you to help on weeknights. If you're thinking you'll lean on carpools and other parents, you're in for a surprise. Other moms will perceive you as the wrongdoer and will be happy to watch you struggle. And because your wife has been cultivating these relationships for years and you haven't, they'll be helping your wife during the week.