What things are you sensitive about seeing, because you've personally dealt with them?

[Anonymous]

Mass shooting. Known people who have died in 2 mass shootings.

J6. Was working for Congress that day. I feel like I am reliving it the past couple of days with the pardons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms smacking their kids hard (like my mom).

Loud public shaming/berating by parents (like my mom).

Kids allowed to be withdrawn/antisocial in public and at family events, or families eating in total silence at great speed at restaurants. That’s a super personal hangup that’s really specific to how my husband was raised and how it impacts our family life. When I see a little kid sullenly reading a book and slumped in their own corner at a nice restaurant, I don’t think, yay, they’re reading. My brain goes straight to: good luck to the woman who married that kid and into that family.

So do you want the family to berate them for being withdrawn in public, or do you want them to be left alone. Getting annoyed that a shy kid is reading a book is…interesting.

NP - there's no reason for a kid to be shy with their own family. If they can't sit in a restaurant and interact with their family members they should be in intensive therapy because something is seriously wrong. It's not appropriate to check out mentally and read a book during a family meal. And I say that as a voracious reader who is an introvert (but not shy).

Oh wow, you have no idea how some kids work. My ADHD/Autistic kid will absolutely focus on his book at a restaurant, because the restaurant is overwhelming/overstimulating. That's fine, and he doesn't need "intensive therapy". When I was a kid, my brother and I (who are not neurodivergent) always took books to restaurants, and didn't necessarily interact with our parents. Our parents were fine with this.

I’m the PP who has a hard time seeing a kid with a book, and it’s because my DH was diagnosed with autism only after our DC was born, but the maladaptive coping mechanisms his parents cultivated in him have made it really difficult for him to be a present parent and spouse. That’s why it’s a trigger for me.

While you as a parent may not be bothered and see it as an effective coping mechanism as the parent of your children, as the spouse of the adult version of that child I really struggle when I see it because I know the challenges it creates 30 years later.

+1

Same here, married into an aspergers family, I now know. Dx’d as an adult, brothers Dx was never disclosed by the mom.

I never took their silent dinners, silent drives, silent outings, and lack of connection with anyone personally, but it certainly has been bewildering and sad. They pass on the same “social and communication skills,” and lack thereof.

I don’t recommend an AS/NT home situation with kids. Unless you’re all AS, but even that can mismatch pretty spectacularly.

So interesting. I grew up in a highly connected, high EQ home and I did take it personally when I married my partner and experienced what I would call disconnection and dysunctional at every turn. Good on you. I agree re kids. My DH is amazing but it’s been a very long journey and he deserved so much more than he ever received as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms smacking their kids hard (like my mom).

Loud public shaming/berating by parents (like my mom).

Kids allowed to be withdrawn/antisocial in public and at family events, or families eating in total silence at great speed at restaurants. That’s a super personal hangup that’s really specific to how my husband was raised and how it impacts our family life. When I see a little kid sullenly reading a book and slumped in their own corner at a nice restaurant, I don’t think, yay, they’re reading. My brain goes straight to: good luck to the woman who married that kid and into that family.

So do you want the family to berate them for being withdrawn in public, or do you want them to be left alone. Getting annoyed that a shy kid is reading a book is…interesting.

NP - there's no reason for a kid to be shy with their own family. If they can't sit in a restaurant and interact with their family members they should be in intensive therapy because something is seriously wrong. It's not appropriate to check out mentally and read a book during a family meal. And I say that as a voracious reader who is an introvert (but not shy).

Oh wow, you have no idea how some kids work. My ADHD/Autistic kid will absolutely focus on his book at a restaurant, because the restaurant is overwhelming/overstimulating. That's fine, and he doesn't need "intensive therapy". When I was a kid, my brother and I (who are not neurodivergent) always took books to restaurants, and didn't necessarily interact with our parents. Our parents were fine with this.

I’m the PP who has a hard time seeing a kid with a book, and it’s because my DH was diagnosed with autism only after our DC was born, but the maladaptive coping mechanisms his parents cultivated in him have made it really difficult for him to be a present parent and spouse. That’s why it’s a trigger for me.

While you as a parent may not be bothered and see it as an effective coping mechanism as the parent of your children, as the spouse of the adult version of that child I really struggle when I see it because I know the challenges it creates 30 years later.

+1

Same here, married into an aspergers family, I now know. Dx’d as an adult, brothers Dx was never disclosed by the mom.

I never took their silent dinners, silent drives, silent outings, and lack of connection with anyone personally, but it certainly has been bewildering and sad. They pass on the same “social and communication skills,” and lack thereof.

I don’t recommend an AS/NT home situation with kids. Unless you’re all AS, but even that can mismatch pretty spectacularly.

So interesting. I grew up in a highly connected, high EQ home and I did take it personally when I married my partner and experienced what I would call disconnection and dysunctional at every turn. Good on you. I agree re kids. My DH is amazing but it’s been a very long journey and he deserved so much more than he ever received as a child.

Yeah it’s not easy. Early on I felt their issues were coming from a source of cluelessness, not malice. I also wondered wtf was going in with my spouse- executive function wise, forgetting decisions we made, going to bed in the couch at 7pm, getting angry at basic questions.

He got tested and diagnosed and that’s when I read everything, did 6 mos of therapy w an expert on asd, and realized I wasn’t going crazy and they all had likely it. His brother worst of all; during childhood the mother convinced everyone it was all dyslexia.

Anyhow, we have kids so need to develop, socialize and launch them, all while watching for any anxiety or other symptoms to pop up. Knowing the family history somewhat helps but we keep them out of it with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Drug use including people wanting to talk about hallucinogens for trauma therapy and Ketamine for depression. I just can not engage with that. I'm not the person to talk to regarding this space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people comment on how shy or quiet someone is, always with a negative connotation.

I'm often deeply disturbed when people do this too. It's a gentle, innocent person. Why would they so cruelly and openly pick on them? Easy to move around them. Not interfering with anyone. I immediately move away from people who talk like this. Seems like a clear warning sign the commenter is not right in the head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People happily looking on as their young kids do things that distress or even hurt a pet.

My parents used to insist that my brother, about 4 at the time, be allowed to "play with" our cat's kittens. I was 10 and was able to clearly see that he was too rough and that the kittens were unhappy and stressed when he "played" with them, and that the mother cat was also anxious. I cried when I kept begging my parents to get him to leave them alone; they insisted that "he's allowed to play with the cats too!" Then one day I came home from school and ran to see the kittens, and they were all dead and broken on the floor. My brother had killed them and my mom hadn't even been watching him "play with" them. I have never forgiven my parents for this. Animals are not toys and little kids should not be allowed to touch them just because it makes the kid happy.

Oh my god. I am traumatized just reading about this. I am so sorry.

I probably wouldn't be able to have a relationship with my parents. Did your brother turn out to be a normal person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms smacking their kids hard (like my mom).

Loud public shaming/berating by parents (like my mom).

Kids allowed to be withdrawn/antisocial in public and at family events, or families eating in total silence at great speed at restaurants. That’s a super personal hangup that’s really specific to how my husband was raised and how it impacts our family life. When I see a little kid sullenly reading a book and slumped in their own corner at a nice restaurant, I don’t think, yay, they’re reading. My brain goes straight to: good luck to the woman who married that kid and into that family.

So do you want the family to berate them for being withdrawn in public, or do you want them to be left alone. Getting annoyed that a shy kid is reading a book is…interesting.

NP - there's no reason for a kid to be shy with their own family. If they can't sit in a restaurant and interact with their family members they should be in intensive therapy because something is seriously wrong. It's not appropriate to check out mentally and read a book during a family meal. And I say that as a voracious reader who is an introvert (but not shy).

Oh wow, you have no idea how some kids work. My ADHD/Autistic kid will absolutely focus on his book at a restaurant, because the restaurant is overwhelming/overstimulating. That's fine, and he doesn't need "intensive therapy". When I was a kid, my brother and I (who are not neurodivergent) always took books to restaurants, and didn't necessarily interact with our parents. Our parents were fine with this.

I’m the PP who has a hard time seeing a kid with a book, and it’s because my DH was diagnosed with autism only after our DC was born, but the maladaptive coping mechanisms his parents cultivated in him have made it really difficult for him to be a present parent and spouse. That’s why it’s a trigger for me.

While you as a parent may not be bothered and see it as an effective coping mechanism as the parent of your children, as the spouse of the adult version of that child I really struggle when I see it because I know the challenges it creates 30 years later.

+1

Same here, married into an aspergers family, I now know. Dx’d as an adult, brothers Dx was never disclosed by the mom.

I never took their silent dinners, silent drives, silent outings, and lack of connection with anyone personally, but it certainly has been bewildering and sad. They pass on the same “social and communication skills,” and lack thereof.

I don’t recommend an AS/NT home situation with kids. Unless you’re all AS, but even that can mismatch pretty spectacularly.

So interesting. I grew up in a highly connected, high EQ home and I did take it personally when I married my partner and experienced what I would call disconnection and dysunctional at every turn. Good on you. I agree re kids. My DH is amazing but it’s been a very long journey and he deserved so much more than he ever received as a child.

Yeah it’s not easy. Early on I felt their issues were coming from a source of cluelessness, not malice. I also wondered wtf was going in with my spouse- executive function wise, forgetting decisions we made, going to bed in the couch at 7pm, getting angry at basic questions.

He got tested and diagnosed and that’s when I read everything, did 6 mos of therapy w an expert on asd, and realized I wasn’t going crazy and they all had likely it. His brother worst of all; during childhood the mother convinced everyone it was all dyslexia.

Anyhow, we have kids so need to develop, socialize and launch them, all while watching for any anxiety or other symptoms to pop up. Knowing the family history somewhat helps but we keep them out of it with our kids.

Wow, I relate so much. Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Gaslighting (generally, but specially from teachers).

The “bad” sibling(usually the youngest) being indirectly rewarded for it.

Unfair lower/higher expectations of certain people(including kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting (generally, but specially from teachers).

The “bad” sibling(usually the youngest) being indirectly rewarded for it.

Unfair lower/higher expectations of certain people(including kids).

You must have a special needs child like me. I can totally relate. After dealing with gaslighting, minimizing and patronizing from my son's ES admin, I finally got him an IEP thanks to ONE wonderful teacher. Then they just didn't implement it. Like he was supposed to get two hours per week and he got nothing for half a year. He is capable and smart and the extra push in help made a huge difference. When I met with the school's special dedication coordinator he had the nerve to tell me with a straight face that "perhaps graduating HS is not for him." I LOST IT! We moved from one of the "best" DC public schools to MD and my son is now in 10th grade, received minimal services and will graduate no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms smacking their kids hard (like my mom).

Loud public shaming/berating by parents (like my mom).

Kids allowed to be withdrawn/antisocial in public and at family events, or families eating in total silence at great speed at restaurants. That’s a super personal hangup that’s really specific to how my husband was raised and how it impacts our family life. When I see a little kid sullenly reading a book and slumped in their own corner at a nice restaurant, I don’t think, yay, they’re reading. My brain goes straight to: good luck to the woman who married that kid and into that family.

So do you want the family to berate them for being withdrawn in public, or do you want them to be left alone. Getting annoyed that a shy kid is reading a book is…interesting.

NP - there's no reason for a kid to be shy with their own family. If they can't sit in a restaurant and interact with their family members they should be in intensive therapy because something is seriously wrong. It's not appropriate to check out mentally and read a book during a family meal. And I say that as a voracious reader who is an introvert (but not shy).

Oh wow, you have no idea how some kids work. My ADHD/Autistic kid will absolutely focus on his book at a restaurant, because the restaurant is overwhelming/overstimulating. That's fine, and he doesn't need "intensive therapy". When I was a kid, my brother and I (who are not neurodivergent) always took books to restaurants, and didn't necessarily interact with our parents. Our parents were fine with this.

I’m the PP who has a hard time seeing a kid with a book, and it’s because my DH was diagnosed with autism only after our DC was born, but the maladaptive coping mechanisms his parents cultivated in him have made it really difficult for him to be a present parent and spouse. That’s why it’s a trigger for me.

While you as a parent may not be bothered and see it as an effective coping mechanism as the parent of your children, as the spouse of the adult version of that child I really struggle when I see it because I know the challenges it creates 30 years later.

+1

Same here, married into an aspergers family, I now know. Dx’d as an adult, brothers Dx was never disclosed by the mom.

I never took their silent dinners, silent drives, silent outings, and lack of connection with anyone personally, but it certainly has been bewildering and sad. They pass on the same “social and communication skills,” and lack thereof.

I don’t recommend an AS/NT home situation with kids. Unless you’re all AS, but even that can mismatch pretty spectacularly.

"Excessive" bookworming can also come from severe anxiety, and the overlap between that, inattentive ADHD (with hyperfocus on reading) and autism is very fine. I have severe anxiety and social anxiety, and always brought a book everywhere as a child. My mother understood that, A, I love to read, and B, It was a coping mechanism for me to tolerate being brought to see various places and peoples. My kids are the same. One has been diagnosed with autism but not the other. My husband, who is also on the ASD spectrum, HATES TO READ, and would never read anywhere unless it's for his job - and he's a research scientist who needs to read massive amounts of scientific papers! We all have ADHD and various levels of anxiety, and we're all deeply introverted. I'm a research scientist too, and my ADHD/ASD college kid is also shaping up to do research, but in a different field.

So I'm not sure reading excessively correlates directly with autism, but more with a certain intellectual profile.

I'm surprised that people are against reading - it's a symptom, not a cause. If you take away the book, you're not going to get more socialization, you're going to get a stressed-out and unhappy bookworm

Reading at a gathering or in a social setting is a way to avoid talking and interacting with others.

Reasons for one doing that range from HFA to ADHD to anxiety to having poor manners or social skills, to narcissism, to lack of empathy/ self-centeredness, to not knowing how to talk with other humans, to disliking people in general.

The bolded traits are more common between extroverts.

[Anonymous]

I don't read at gatherings, but depending on the setting I might be on my phone. I have massive anxiety and just being present is a lot for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaslighting (generally, but specially from teachers).

The “bad” sibling(usually the youngest) being indirectly rewarded for it.

Unfair lower/higher expectations of certain people(including kids).

You must have a special needs child like me. I can totally relate. After dealing with gaslighting, minimizing and patronizing from my son's ES admin, I finally got him an IEP thanks to ONE wonderful teacher. Then they just didn't implement it. Like he was supposed to get two hours per week and he got nothing for half a year. He is capable and smart and the extra push in help made a huge difference. When I met with the school's special dedication coordinator he had the nerve to tell me with a straight face that "perhaps graduating HS is not for him." I LOST IT! We moved from one of the "best" DC public schools to MD and my son is now in 10th grade, received minimal services and will graduate no problem.

I don’t, but my DD was bullied and we had to “triple down.”

I absolutely believe you, and I’m happy for your son!

[Anonymous]

Watching parents hug their kids or give them life advice. My parents were so detached. I had no one giving me hugs or having honest conversations with me. I have to be intentional about it with my own kids because it is so foreign.

[Anonymous]

Porn, and references about porn by comedians trying to be funny. The pedophile down the street showed graphic porn to me and other neighborhood kids - I was 8 - it traumatized me. I told my parents. I'm so glad I was from a family that was open and I wasn't afraid to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family members commenting on adolescent girls' weight.

family members commenting on any family member's weight. I have limited contact with my mom because she comments about my adult daughter's weight.