Reply to What things are you sensitive about seeing, because you've personally dealt with them?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Moms smacking their kids hard (like my mom).

[b]Loud public shaming/berating by parents (like my mom)[/b].

[b]Kids allowed to be withdrawn/antisocial in public and at family events[/b], or families eating in total silence at great speed at restaurants. That’s a super personal hangup that’s really specific to how my husband was raised and how it impacts our family life. When I see a little kid sullenly reading a book and slumped in their own corner at a nice restaurant, I don’t think, yay, they’re reading. My brain goes straight to: good luck to the woman who married that kid and into that family. [/quote]

So do you want the family to berate them for being withdrawn in public, or do you want them to be left alone. Getting annoyed that a shy kid is reading a book is…interesting.[/quote]

NP - there's no reason for a kid to be shy with their own family. If they can't sit in a restaurant and interact with their family members they should be in intensive therapy because something is seriously wrong. It's not appropriate to check out mentally and read a book during a family meal. And I say that as a voracious reader who is an introvert (but not shy). [/quote]

Oh wow, you have no idea how some kids work.  My ADHD/Autistic kid will absolutely focus on his book at a restaurant, because the restaurant is overwhelming/overstimulating.  That's fine, and he doesn't need "intensive therapy".  When I was a kid, my brother and I (who are not neurodivergent) always took books to restaurants, and didn't necessarily interact with our parents.  Our parents were fine with this.  [/quote]

I’m the PP who has a hard time seeing a kid with a book, and it’s because my DH was diagnosed with autism only after our DC was born, but the maladaptive coping mechanisms his parents cultivated in him have made it really difficult for him to be a present parent and spouse. That’s why it’s a trigger for me.

While you as a parent may not be bothered and see it as an effective coping mechanism as the parent of your children, as the spouse of the adult version of that child I really struggle when I see it because I know the challenges it creates 30 years later. [/quote]

Same here, married into an aspergers family, I now know. Dx’d as an adult, brothers Dx was never disclosed by the mom.

I never took their silent dinners, silent drives, silent outings, and lack of connection with anyone personally, but it certainly has been bewildering and sad. They pass on the same “social and communication skills,” and lack thereof.

I don’t recommend an AS/NT home situation with kids. Unless you’re all AS, but even that can mismatch pretty spectacularly. [/quote]

So interesting. I grew up in a highly connected, high EQ home and I did take it personally when I married my partner and experienced what I would call disconnection  and dysunctional at every turn. Good on you. I agree re kids. My DH is amazing but it’s been a very long journey and he deserved so much more than he ever received as a child. [/quote]
Yeah it’s not easy. Early on I felt their issues were coming from a source of cluelessness, not malice. I also wondered wtf was going in with my spouse- executive function wise, forgetting decisions we made, going to bed in the couch at 7pm, getting angry at basic questions.

He got tested and diagnosed and that’s when I read everything, did 6 mos of therapy w an expert on asd, and realized I wasn’t going crazy and they all had likely it. His brother worst of all; during childhood the mother convinced everyone it was all dyslexia.

Anyhow, we have kids so need to develop,  socialize and launch them, all while watching for any anxiety or other symptoms to pop up. Knowing the family history somewhat helps but we keep them out of it with our kids. [/quote]

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