No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think is often driven my venue rules around alcohol, as well. Our venue had a rule that, if we wanted wine served with dinner, if there was even one guest under 21 then we had to pay 2k for additional servers to pour wine with dinner. If everyone was over 21 then they'd just put bottles on the table for guests to serve serve.

My sisters were under 21 and of course they needed to be included so we opted not to have wine service and keep the bar open so people had to go get their own drinks, but it wasn't ideal.

Sure.

But I planned my guest list FIRST and then found my venue. The PEOPLE coming to the wedding were more important than any other factor. So then I also set my budget around that too. So yes, weddings are expensive, alcohol rules exist. But they are hardly a very good reason for not inviting your 12 year old niece or nephew and then being SO SHOCKED your sister is mad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't affect you if other people have different feelings or responses. You don't need to understand it.

I had kids at my wedding. I've been to weddings with and without my kids. I RSVP according to what works for my family. But I don't care if other people care about this. Not my problem.

This. But part of that is don't blame people for not coming if their kids aren't invited

Well that is a given!

It is totally fine to decline an invitation. If the Bride or groom ask why, it is also polite to state "we were not able to have appropriate childcare. We hope you have an amazing wedding day! Sorry we can't be there"

I get why people want Adult only weddings. Once your kids are 3-4 yo, you should be able to leave them for an evening with a baby sitter. If you have to travel for the wedding, then the B/G should realize that many will simply decline, as it's challenging to find (and pay for ) a 2 day baby sitter and many don't trust finding one to watch kids in your hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting close relatives of any age is a dumb idea. Family is family, not matter the age and a wedding (to me) is an important family event. I can understand not inviting all the kids of your current friends or less close relations, because not all weddings are for kids.

But some people get so blinded by "NO KIDS" they alienate their sister for life over a 12 year old's attendance. It's silly.

It's a pity that the sister in the OP's example chooses to let one event ruin her relationship with her brother and his family, all because she wanted to be an exception to what every other guest was asked to do. But she had to be Very Special!

The sister is the one choosing to feel alienated here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think uninviting a 12 year old niece is ridiculous.

And when you get married, you are entitled to include them. For others, they want an 18+ or 16+ and you need to respect that or simply decline. Easy peasy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

NP. So your kids are soooooooo adorable and unique that they deserve a spotlight 24/7 at any place and time, to the point where they should dance with a bride and groom? And YOU want to talk about "self-centered"?

The delusion is believing that there is a Spotlight on anyone …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting close relatives of any age is a dumb idea. Family is family, not matter the age and a wedding (to me) is an important family event. I can understand not inviting all the kids of your current friends or less close relations, because not all weddings are for kids.

But some people get so blinded by "NO KIDS" they alienate their sister for life over a 12 year old's attendance. It's silly.

And some people are so entitled that they cannot follow rules. If my own siblings or my spouses siblings want a wedding with only 12+ and they choose not to make an exception for my under 12 kids, I simply either choose to not attend or chose to attend and let my kids have a fun time at home with friends or a baby sitter. It's their wedding so they get to pick who attends, and if they prefer an adult reception, so be it.

If your sibling is alienated by that, then perhaps you are better off not having them around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting close relatives of any age is a dumb idea. Family is family, not matter the age and a wedding (to me) is an important family event. I can understand not inviting all the kids of your current friends or less close relations, because not all weddings are for kids.

But some people get so blinded by "NO KIDS" they alienate their sister for life over a 12 year old's attendance. It's silly.

It's a pity that the sister in the OP's example chooses to let one event ruin her relationship with her brother and his family, all because she wanted to be an exception to what every other guest was asked to do. But she had to be Very Special!

The sister is the one choosing to feel alienated here.

I don't agree. I think it would have been a small accommodation that would have meant a lot to the groom's sister. Yes the sister *should* get over it and move on. But I don't think she's wrong to feel miffed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these people also fine with guests decline because their kids are not invited. The ppl getting married can do whatever they want but if that's the prevailing attitude then same goes for guests even close family. Attend if it suits you or don't.

Obviously! And invitation is just that. You get to accept or decline, no questions asked. Do it politely and end of story. Don't know any B/G who are upset when someone doesn't attend because their kids were not invited. They knew that would happen with some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

Yup! My spouse is Indian---and the number of entitled/clueless parents in the family (and otherwise) that we witness at events is astounding. They refuse to remove kids from situations and/or correct their behaviors. That is precisely why many say 16+ or 18+. I've been to several relatives Indian weddings in last few years with 16/18+ on invitation.

[Anonymous]

We are often invited to adult only everything -- baby showers, weddings, birthday parties ..heck funerals..

Never offended as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

Because they want to show off their kids to family/friends who don't see them all the time - whether they will admit to this reason or not.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when the desire to bring your kids to a family wedding is viewed as some kind of weird or selfish abberation.

It is NOT YOUR wedding. The Bride and Groom get to choose how they want their day to be. If they want to avoid obnoxious little kids running around because parents won't control them, that is a reasonable choice. Everything is not about you. You are free to decline the invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

If it's your wedding, go ahead and have the kids on the dance floor. But for literally ANYONE ELSE, that is beyond rude. It is not stifling to except your kid to behave and realize the world does NOT revolve around them. You are not straight jacketing a 3 yo by telling them they have to follow the rules---you are just making them a better person, and it's called parenting. And I know plenty of kids who were allowed to "just be kids and let's never tell them no" and most turned into spoiled obnoxious teens and 20 somethings, who are not fun to be around

[Anonymous]

Excluding a 12 year old is silly. It shows they aren't family. I cannot imagine excluding kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not inviting close relatives of any age is a dumb idea. Family is family, not matter the age and a wedding (to me) is an important family event. I can understand not inviting all the kids of your current friends or less close relations, because not all weddings are for kids.

But some people get so blinded by "NO KIDS" they alienate their sister for life over a 12 year old's attendance. It's silly.

And some people are so entitled that they cannot follow rules. If my own siblings or my spouses siblings want a wedding with only 12+ and they choose not to make an exception for my under 12 kids, I simply either choose to not attend or chose to attend and let my kids have a fun time at home with friends or a baby sitter. It's their wedding so they get to pick who attends, and if they prefer an adult reception, so be it.

If your sibling is alienated by that, then perhaps you are better off not having them around.

We just wouldn't go. I'm not spending a fortune on a babysitter.