I stalk my DS’s email

[Anonymous]

Congrats to OP's kid. Helping a kid with EF challenges is not a problem. I have a smart kid with ADHD and supporting them in view of their challenges is part of parenting. Otherwise they would never reach their potential. But you also have to think about really launching them even if the timeframe is later than for others. You do not want a dolt at college. You want a kid growing in maturity. That is the only problem I have with OP's approach. Try to prepare him more for independence this summer would be my advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lot of bootstrappers in this thread who have no idea how much help and privilege is required for achieving success.

First gen bootstrapper here. My parents, aside from paying for college, were 100% hands off wrt school, all through grad school (they didn’t pay for that, I did). So you can try to throw bootstrapper out there like it’s an insult, but it’s not. If these kids need that much help to be successful, it’s not their success. At least admit that much.

DP. Lucky you that you never had executive function issues or mental health problems. Some kids have these issues and need a little help. Their brains are not fully developed till age 25, so I’m gonna help them as much as I can.

I love that you assume I have no mental health issues to justify your hovering/meddling/snowplowing. Not surprising.

I have anxiety (medicated) as does my senior daughter (medicated as well). Her executive functioning usually sucks but she has no formal diagnosis. Yet she somehow managed to pull her sh¡t together and get accepted to her top choice college. With very little help from us (we drove her to look at schools but that was about it).

I am SO TIRED of people using diagnoses to justify coddling their kids.

If your kids need constant help from you, they’re not as amazing as you make them out to be.

And it doesn't even help them! It keeps them from developing the skills they actually need to succeed and hurts them. This might as well be a thread entitled "I beat my kid."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lot of bootstrappers in this thread who have no idea how much help and privilege is required for achieving success.

First gen bootstrapper here. My parents, aside from paying for college, were 100% hands off wrt school, all through grad school (they didn’t pay for that, I did). So you can try to throw bootstrapper out there like it’s an insult, but it’s not. If these kids need that much help to be successful, it’s not their success. At least admit that much.

DP. Lucky you that you never had executive function issues or mental health problems. Some kids have these issues and need a little help. Their brains are not fully developed till age 25, so I’m gonna help them as much as I can.

I love that you assume I have no mental health issues to justify your hovering/meddling/snowplowing. Not surprising.

I have anxiety (medicated) as does my senior daughter (medicated as well). Her executive functioning usually sucks but she has no formal diagnosis. Yet she somehow managed to pull her sh¡t together and get accepted to her top choice college. With very little help from us (we drove her to look at schools but that was about it).

I am SO TIRED of people using diagnoses to justify coddling their kids.

If your kids need constant help from you, they’re not as amazing as you make them out to be.

And it doesn't even help them! It keeps them from developing the skills they actually need to succeed and hurts them. This might as well be a thread entitled "I beat my kid."

Yes to all this!

It is creating a debilitating problem for them. In the end, I'm ok that other people do this - more opportunities for my kid in the workplace. It bothers me when one of these kids makes it through our hiring process and end up on my team - then I spend a year trying to get them moved and get someone who can actually do the job in a timely manner. I have a deaf person on my team - he's awesome and good at his job; he delivers (and checks his email) and I make accommodations for him. I'm epileptic. I have team members with diabetes, obesity, and other 'disabilities' that all perform well. I don't need an oversized baby whose parents have to do their job to stay on top of everything. I'd actually rather hire the parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are tou going to college with him? How will he survive without you?

Oh clever clever. So funny.

DP. But I had the same thought — how the heck is he going to manage college if he can’t even check an email account for acceptance emails?

I've had to help my son too. He has ADHD and some learning differences. It's not just checking emails. For each school, you are prompted to set up an account in their portal. Some of them require a two-step process, where you use the credentials they provide but then change the password. Some even have an additional step of entering a PIN that is provided in the email. If you multiply that times 10-12 schools, it can be overwhelming, especially if the kid is not accustomed to using email for communication. And then the schools continue to bombard the email account with additional emails about making a decision, all with different information (come do a tour, apply for the honors college, get your FAFSA submitted, etc.).

And then once you've committed, the kid is expected to go back and figure out how to decline the other acceptances, which typically requires you to log back into each school's portal and find the instructions for declining.

And once committed, the student then receives instructions for setting up a new account as an enrolled student, which opens up the floodgate of applying for housing and filling out the housing form, making your deposit, filling out the academic interest form, registering for an orientation. In our case, there is also a math placement test that is supposed to take 90 minutes (ugh).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are tou going to college with him? How will he survive without you?

Oh clever clever. So funny.

DP. But I had the same thought — how the heck is he going to manage college if he can’t even check an email account for acceptance emails?

I've had to help my son too. He has ADHD and some learning differences. It's not just checking emails. For each school, you are prompted to set up an account in their portal. Some of them require a two-step process, where you use the credentials they provide but then change the password. Some even have an additional step of entering a PIN that is provided in the email. If you multiply that times 10-12 schools, it can be overwhelming, especially if the kid is not accustomed to using email for communication. And then the schools continue to bombard the email account with additional emails about making a decision, all with different information (come do a tour, apply for the honors college, get your FAFSA submitted, etc.).

And then once you've committed, the kid is expected to go back and figure out how to decline the other acceptances, which typically requires you to log back into each school's portal and find the instructions for declining.

And once committed, the student then receives instructions for setting up a new account as an enrolled student, which opens up the floodgate of applying for housing and filling out the housing form, making your deposit, filling out the academic interest form, registering for an orientation. In our case, there is also a math placement test that is supposed to take 90 minutes (ugh).

The problem with your thinking is that it's not a kid. (S)He is 17-18 years old. You did not do your job to raise an adult if they cannot manage this, especially if they have a disability! You had a bigger job to do if they had a disability and you failed to prepare them. The world seriously doesn't care about your individual "child" when there are so many prepared adults to chose from - folks who are more driven, more autonomous, higher functioning.

[Anonymous]

there was a time I'd get 100s of emails a day. now I get maybe 10. (not counting promotional or personal emails).

it's all Slack. and it's very fast moving. truly makes email look like snail mail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

Why do you assume she’s putting in no effort? Sounds like you have preconceived notions that aren’t accurate. My kid, like many others, works waaay harder than we ever did when we were growing up. They’re managing multiple ECs and hours of HW, sports, family and household responsibilities and whatever else.

Honestly a college email account is so minor to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

Why do you assume she’s putting in no effort? Sounds like you have preconceived notions that aren’t accurate. My kid, like many others, works waaay harder than we ever did when we were growing up. They’re managing multiple ECs and hours of HW, sports, family and household responsibilities and whatever else.

Honestly a college email account is so minor to them.

Looks like you need someone to proofread for you. I never said no effort. I said FULL effort. Big difference.
Btw ALL of our kids are putting in effort. And most of the parents aren’t checking their emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

Why do you assume she’s putting in no effort? Sounds like you have preconceived notions that aren’t accurate. My kid, like many others, works waaay harder than we ever did when we were growing up. They’re managing multiple ECs and hours of HW, sports, family and household responsibilities and whatever else.

Honestly a college email account is so minor to them.

Looks like you need someone to proofread for you. I never said no effort. I said FULL effort. Big difference.
Btw ALL of our kids are putting in effort. And most of the parents aren’t checking their emails.

Again. Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

Why do you assume she’s putting in no effort? Sounds like you have preconceived notions that aren’t accurate. My kid, like many others, works waaay harder than we ever did when we were growing up. They’re managing multiple ECs and hours of HW, sports, family and household responsibilities and whatever else.

Honestly a college email account is so minor to them.

Looks like you need someone to proofread for you. I never said no effort. I said FULL effort. Big difference.
Btw ALL of our kids are putting in effort. And most of the parents aren’t checking their emails.

Again. Why do you care?

Because I feel bad for kids that are victims of their parents neuroses. I mean do what you want - you’re not going to change. But don’t complain when your kid runs into problems later and life and runs to you for help. Or why your 35 yo is having problems at work or finding a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:half you people sound very old.

email is not private for any 15yo. it's school announcements and junk mail.

it's not their snap account, or instagram, or texts. those are private.

having a parent do any of this is not invasive, unless you also make them go to the mailbox and retrieve their own snail mail.

email turns into a work thing quickly, once they're out in the world.

to think this is invasive is just to show you're out of touch.

It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with teaching a kid to get things done themselves without mommy and daddy checking behind them or worse, doing it for them.

What do you care what other people do? Having a generic college email account is pretty standard these days. With a lot of money on the line, it’s common for parents and students to have access. If that bugs you, oh well.

It’s sad for the kids. Mom won’t let them grow up and learn to be an adult. Oh well.

My kid isn’t sad at all. She’s quite happy I have access in case she misses anything.

It’s sad FOR the kids. That they’re being crippled by their parents but don’t realize it yet. Of course your DD isn’t sad - she’s psyched. Shes got mommy coming to the rescue - there’s no need to put in full effort. Shes got it made in the shade, that one. Lets see how not sad she is in 10-15 years…

Why do you assume she’s putting in no effort? Sounds like you have preconceived notions that aren’t accurate. My kid, like many others, works waaay harder than we ever did when we were growing up. They’re managing multiple ECs and hours of HW, sports, family and household responsibilities and whatever else.

Honestly a college email account is so minor to them.

Looks like you need someone to proofread for you. I never said no effort. I said FULL effort. Big difference.
Btw ALL of our kids are putting in effort. And most of the parents aren’t checking their emails.

Again. Why do you care?

Because I feel bad for kids that are victims of their parents neuroses. I mean do what you want - you’re not going to change. But don’t complain when your kid runs into problems later and life and runs to you for help. Or why your 35 yo is having problems at work or finding a job.

You don’t have to feel bad for them. lol. These kids are thriving and have bright futures.

[Anonymous]

I sense a lot of jealousy in many of these replies!

[Anonymous]

My DS went away for a few weeks overseas last summer. He's doing it again this year. I noticed on his return that he was a lot better at managing things for himself than before - because he'd had to - and I do recommend this if you can afford it (sending them away).

Having said that I'm 100% going to be filling in his college applications for him.