Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

The graduation tickets belong to the graduate. Which is not you. Are.you a thief OP? Are you going to steal them?

No not a thief, but you're an abusive parent. That's your style. Abuse harass and humiliate your son, and guilt him, to get your way.

Your undisguised contempt for your own son matches the contempt you have for his father, and likely, for all men.

You are a terrible mother. A very good match for the terrible man you say you procreated with. Two equally bad parents.

+10000.

[Anonymous]

Yes, if the graduate wants him there.

[Anonymous]

No, no, no. I hope this is a troll. OP, that day is not about you. Do not do this to your son. Sorry. You can pat yourself on the back… in private.

I’m a single mom. I do receive some child support but zero else due to distance. I have the kids full time and they see their dad when he visits our area. Even though I am doing all of the heavy lifting during the teen years, dealing with all of their teenage emotional turbulence, driving them to practices and meets and school events, helping them stay on top of schoolwork, and pretty much putting my own life on hold in order to launch them, I cannot imagine excluding their dad when graduation time comes, because that day will be about the graduating kid, not me. And they will want their dad there even if he is selfish and imperfect. We are all imperfect, OP, and we are all deserving of love and opportunity for inclusion.

A lot of people have offered good advice here. Please listen to them. You have a lot of bitterness you need to deal with. Don’t let it poison your son and his relationship with his dad. Something tells me you already have. But kids deserve an opportunity to know both of their parents, even the ones who have made mistakes. Your son will figure out what kind of relationship he wants with his dad without your input. Please just let it be. Lay down your burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand where you are coming from and just like you I paid for DS college. So yes, I have a say on who he invites to his graduation. His father and his deadbeat relatives who never had any interest in him were NOT invited. But they can sure brag he went to a nice school.

Was this past tense or you mean college graduation in the near future? If former, please explain how this went. Did you tell your son no or son had no interest in inviting them? Did they try to invite themselves?

I am the PP. My DS is graduating this winter. I told DS that if he invites his father and that side of the family, I am not going. He shrugged, "why would I invite them, I don't see or hear from them for years". That's how I found out they were trying to invite themselves! Last time DS heard from his "daddy dearest" was around HS graduation, with the same story, "oh we are coming to see you" and DS went "no you are not". They have done nothing for this boy. They were only interested in him when it suited him. And because he turned out so well, they think they can now brag about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You paid for the college, you get to decide to not call the deadbeat dad.

What? The father is not attending the school she paid for. Graduation should be free. I think OP is crazier than the deadbeat father.
My ex hasn't paid the lousy $400 required, but you don't see me bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, no, no. I hope this is a troll. OP, that day is not about you. Do not do this to your son. Sorry. You can pat yourself on the back… in private.

I’m a single mom. I do receive some child support but zero else due to distance. I have the kids full time and they see their dad when he visits our area. Even though I am doing all of the heavy lifting during the teen years, dealing with all of their teenage emotional turbulence, driving them to practices and meets and school events, helping them stay on top of schoolwork, and pretty much putting my own life on hold in order to launch them, I cannot imagine excluding their dad when graduation time comes, because that day will be about the graduating kid, not me. And they will want their dad there even if he is selfish and imperfect. We are all imperfect, OP, and we are all deserving of love and opportunity for inclusion.

A lot of people have offered good advice here. Please listen to them. You have a lot of bitterness you need to deal with. Don’t let it poison your son and his relationship with his dad. Something tells me you already have. But kids deserve an opportunity to know both of their parents, even the ones who have made mistakes. Your son will figure out what kind of relationship he wants with his dad without your input. Please just let it be. Lay down your burden.

This. Op please listen to this comment and change your mind set before one day, you may no longer have relationships with your son.

I was a child in this circumstance . My mom raise four of us alone but my estranged dad decided to pay and support our mine and my twin sister medical school tuition.
On graduation days, dad took us for celebration but my mom who did not even want to book anything with us, cry the whole evening, make it all about her suffering.
Omg

I bear with it for over 30 years ofp my mother s self centered.
But I cut off all communication with her last couple of years and well, I no longer feel suffocating anymore.
It’s not that I don’t feel grateful for my mom raising me alone from 10 to 18 years old of my life. But the keep holding that over my head and take credit for every success in my life ( yes my dad paid for my medical school even he was a dead beat dad when I was younger,I feel like he should get gpsome credit too ) and me having relationships with my dad , makes my mom feel like I betrayed her. Oh well.

Too much drama.

I no longer talke to my mother at this point


I keep communication very limited with my dad too. ( why?, that’s another story)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

You continue to view this milestone event in your son's life as your own achievement/event. That seems narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a single mom and deadbeat dad (more deadbeat than yours though, havent spoken to him in 25 yrs) and i think its up to kid, but i wouldnt want him there either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is about your son, not you. Your son decides and you support the decision he makes.

The only reason that young man is in college is because of my (and my husband’s) parenting and our labor.

Doesn't matter. The young man is an adult and can make his own decisions. It's not his fault his dad wasn't in his life (not saying it was yours either, op), but it's also not his fault to still want a relationship with his dad.

This is a stretch. How does not being invited to a single event equate to me not wanting him to have a relationship with his father? I say nothing about him seeing or communicating with his father. I simply don't want him at the graduation ceremony. A ceremony only happening because I've paid for his college the last four years (and prepared from for college the 18 years before that). It'd be like inviting him to a $100,000 steak dinner I'm paying for. Maybe I'd consider letting him come, if he first wants to write me a $50,000 check for a surf and turf.

The graduation tickets belong to the graduate. Which is not you. Are.you a thief OP? Are you going to steal them?

No not a thief, but you're an abusive parent. That's your style. Abuse harass and humiliate your son, and guilt him, to get your way.

Your undisguised contempt for your own son matches the contempt you have for his father, and likely, for all men.

You are a terrible mother. A very good match for the terrible man you say you procreated with. Two equally bad parents.

+10000.

Hopefully, both of you can't procreate at all and can crawl back under your rocks.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't co-op your son's day with your issues, no matter how right and grounded they are. It really is his day and he deserves to celebrate it as he sees fit. Be mad before, be mad after, but do your best to keep it together the day of.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he should be invited. I think graduations and weddings are the only times my divorced in laws ever saw one another. FIL also did not pay child support. The mom seems bitter about it but the kids don’t care. My FIL also married a woman he lives off of. He didn’t bring new wife to our wedding or Dh or BIL’s graduations for high schlll, college or grad school.

[Anonymous]

It's up to the son. Maybe he will actually give ds some cash for once.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely leave this up to my child to decide and just be happy with whatever decision he made. Don't make this about you. I'm assuming you would have done the same for your son whether his father was there every day or not. Celebrate your son and what he accomplished. Don't let the anger against your ex ruin your son's day of celebration.

In case you wonder, I am also a single mother raising a son on my own with an ex similar to yours.

[Anonymous]

No need for deadbeat dad to be there.

Why would he be there?

He’s the same deadbeat dad as he’s been for 20+ years.

Now what? You wanna pay for his flight, hotel, meals and cabs so he can sit like a bearded wonder and pretend he had anything to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

This is the problem, OP. You are viewing the graduation as a chance to pat yourself on the back for helping your kid get to/through college. You do deserve a pat on the back for that, but the graduation ceremony is not it. That is about your kid feeling proud of his accomplishment, and about him wanting to know that his parent (parents?) are also proud. If your son has been rejected by his dad his whole life not having him at the ceremony may feel like one more rejection. If dad comes, hugs him, puts on a show with new wife and takes a picture, that might feel good. IDK, I'm not your kid. But you spewing bitterness about the dad joining in on your day is not the way to go.

When is graduation? Do you have time to talk to a therapist about this? If you can get yourself to the point where you can have a mature conversation with your son about it, that might actually be really healing for both of you. But you are not there yet.

I'm really not putting the milestone on a pedestal at all. Maybe I'll get more emotional about it when it happens, I'm not sure. And I'm not bitter at all. I'm just trying to be open and honest in an anonymous thread. I don't think it's appropriate for a deadbeat who was most detrimental to this even happening, who didn't pay a cent of the degree's six-figure cost, should bask in the perceived parental glory of it, put on a charade, and con his wife (and social media friend group). If my son wants to see him a day before or day after, so be it.

OP...I'm not sure what you think "bitter" means, but you are definitely bitter.