Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

My ex left me for his AP. I would definitely invite him. It's not about me, it's about my kid.

[Anonymous]

OP just want to make sure you know about HHS' Passport Denial Program for noncustodial parents who owe more than $2,500 in child support.

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/outreach-material/passport-denial-program-101

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him come and bring the Wife. That way you can tell her in person he didn’t contribute.

I am petty, but I would do this. Be nice to her, but when you get a minute with her or just anyone except your son around, say what a good influence she is, that he’s finally paying back child support he never did, and how you appreciate it even if he never contributed to college or a single thing while the boys grew up. Practice your tone so it sounds neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

It is a celebration of achievement. Sure his father can come.

[Anonymous]

It's your son's day. If he wants his dad there, let him invite him.

[Anonymous]

Dad in nomenclature only

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

I agree with you, but most on here don't because they have no skin in the game.
Financially or emotionally.
I get where you are coming from 100%, no need to apologize for it either.
Congrats to you. It is your achievement too.
When my mom single-handedly raised me and I graduated from college, I told her that this degree was "our" degree and achievement!
I hung it in her den. It was the best way I could think of to thank her.
Man here btw.

I agree and those who truly did this alone get you OP. You should feel very proud of what you've helped your son accomplish. There is nothing that the deadbeat can say or do to take that away from you. Here is my advice though, as someone who graduated from college under similar circumstances.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell your son that he cannot, or should not invite his father. Bite your tongue, and go to therapy to talk it through and make a plan for how you will handle seeing him and the new wife and playing nice. Here is why. No, the jerk does not deserve to pretend to have been a caring dad all along, but, he will sail in, with his new wife, bestowing gifts, hugs and the love and affection your son has been missing from this man for the past 22 years. You said son is a pushover. He will eat that right up. You will get hurt about it, potentially say something ugly, and you will be the one who ruined his graduation and at a time when he's a new adult and looking to be a man and separate from his parents. This will drive that natural separation even more and then, when he does feel compelled to reach out for some parental advice, he's going to call dad and the new wife.

Good luck OP, I get how you feel and my mother could have written the same post. Do your very best to hold it in around your son and ex, vent to your BFF and therapist.

I don't make scenes. I have been in the same room with him, his wife, and my son a handful of occasions. It's just specific to this milestone, which cost me a lot of sweat, money and sacrifices, I'm not okay with it. It's a bridge too far. I'm not going along with his con game and it's a slap in the face to me and what I've done to get my son this far.

I'm the PP you're responding to here and I understand how you feel, but I am just saying - tread carefully. This is a story that has played out many many, times and the martyr single mother pretty much NEVER wins here. Because to you, the win you seek is your ex being shut out and the whole world knowing that the ex was a deadbeat and that you did it all yourself and that you should deserve all the praise and glory. This win, that your son already knows full well, will HURT your son publicly. No one wants the world to know how messed up your parent is, or that you were somehow not worthy enough for that dad to stay in your life and support you all those years. No one wants to be at their graduation and have a friend say, "where's your dad?" and then you have to respond "my mom didn't want me to invite him" or "he couldn't make it." You winning here absolutely has the potential to damage your son's ego in the process and push him away from you. How is it a slap in the face if he posts on facebook that he's so proud to see little Johnny graduate from Harvard? You don't win some prize for this. Your prize is your son, who has made it thus far, and no matter who is there or not, you should be proud of him and proud of yourself. No one can take that away.

22 yos don’t have any problem saying “‘my dads never been in the picture, why would he be here today?’l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him come and bring the Wife. That way you can tell her in person he didn’t contribute.

I am petty, but I would do this. Be nice to her, but when you get a minute with her or just anyone except your son around, say what a good influence she is, that he’s finally paying back child support he never did, and how you appreciate it even if he never contributed to college or a single thing while the boys grew up. Practice your tone so it sounds neutral.

I like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom paid for college, she invited my Dad. I treasure the photo I have with him (he died when I was in my 20s).

Why do you treasure it? Because he died and that’s all there is plus some romantic version of how he might have been in your 30s and 40s?

No because I knew how much my Mom had done for me, and also knew my Dad was proud of me and thankfully he and my Mom got along and she wanted him to share in MY joy. (Married young, split when I was 12 Yada Yada). The older I get the more I see what my Mom did for me (I have college age children now, both parents now deceased).

Good point.

Mom be proud and loud about how she single-handedly raised her child, paid for his college, and launched him into adulthood.

The invitation should say exactly that.
Mom and son invite you to graduation weekend! A group breakfast celebrating all that Mom did for me; the ceremony itself; the dinner celebrating the new college grad.

Well done kid! Well done Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

100 percent your son gets to decide and you bite your tongue.

-Stepmom to kid with deadbeat mom

[Anonymous]

This is such a troll post with so much rapid fire pro-deadbeat dad sock puppeting. And the extreme back and forth.

Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

You are clearly a bitter, bitter woman. You should get some therapy. Seriously -- it could help a lot.

You son's father is his father, whether you like it now or not (and you had some say in that, you know). So yes, for the good of your son, bite your tongue and let him figure out his own relationships. At this point, their relationship is theirs, and has nothing to do with you.

I don't forbid him from communicating with his dad or having whatever relationship they do or don't have. I don't even speak about his father. But specific to this achievement, this very costly achievement I paid for and I raised him to be prepared for, why should the deadbeat share any of the ceremony? And bring along his wife so he can dupe her into thinking he had anything to do with it. He was a pure detriment to this for the last 22 years. I'm a bit surprised so many of you are saying he should be there and be allowed to bask in the milestone.

It is your child’s milestone, not yours. The child gets to decide. You don’t say anything, smile, be proud and take pictures.

The kid is busy.
He’ll do whatever the loudest parent says to do.

Probably true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

This.

I invited my dad. A truly awful person.

It wasn’t about the money for me. I wanted him to see me hit that milestone.

Ok. And?

[Anonymous]

I did not invite my dad to my college graduation. He wanted to come, but he didn't earn the right to be there.

[Anonymous]

You need to chill. This is about your son. Don’t ruin your relationship with him over one day when he should have who he wants celebrate with him.

Does your son know you paid for his college on your own? Does he know his dad didn’t pay support? I wouldn’t say it in a judgmental way but be factual about it maybe away from graduation. But don’t disparage his dad but be factual.

Goodness. I grew up with a single mom. My dad was a loser too but he died. His parents didn’t help and he didn’t contribute much alive or dead (no life insurance). She never spoke badly about him and she never complained about working insane hours, but she taught me the value of hard work and the value of a dollar.

If my mom thought she was the only reason I’m successful I would feel frustrated by that. I worked my tail off to be where I am and honestly it’s just as much in spite of my mom as it is because of her. Your son is successful due to his own achievements and hard work too. My mom was hardly around (she had an excellent job) and gave no emotional support whatsoever. She worked hard and I saw that, but she sort of did what you are doing now, putting what is comfortable for her above her child. I couldn’t participate in most sports or activities because she didn’t want to drive or ask anyone for help or do a carpool. She gave with conditions for years or threatens she’ll take stuff away (she wouldn’t contribute to our kids 529s she wanted to set up her own but I reminded her how she wouldn’t let my sibling access their 529 when they majored in something she didn’t like).

She still expects me to come at her beck and call and do what works for her. I have kids so I try to maintain a decent relationship, but it’s difficult mainly because things have to be done on her schedule and her way.

You want to continue to have a relationship with your son, yes? Then let him invite his dad. Your son already knows his dad was a deadbeat! Most kids of deadbeats know this!

You should go to therapy and talk it out. I can’t see you having a good future relationship with your son moving forward until you learn to let stuff go. Life is too short.