If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

How exactly is are poor parents supposed to pay for a wedding? Are they supposed to put themselves in debt and pay with credit cards?


People who push this as a tradition that should still have relevance seem to forget that weddings used to consist of cake and punch in a church basement, in a time when women didn’t have the ability to support themselves like they do today and got married very young. The fact that we still expect the parents of the bride to pay regardless of financial ability in a time where everyone seems to think they are entitled to a wedding fit for royalty is ridiculous(not to mention is this as proof they are “dysfunctional”😒).

Someone has to pay. If the couple wants a fairy tale wedding, and can’t afford it, they either need to go into debt or plan a simple affair. They won’t be any less married. The in-laws aren’t obligated to foot the bill for an outrageous party.

+1

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for a wedding. It is not as if people get married at 19 any more - most couples are at least 26 when they get married, have been working more than a few years, and have been living on their own. I could not imagine asking my parents, and certainly not my ILs to pay for our wedding. We were supporting (2) grown family members on DH's side AND paying for ourselves/paying our own way when we got married.

If you want a huge party for your friends, either tone it down, or make it a smaller party. Surely you can cut some recently acquired acquaintances off the guest list!

[Anonymous]

Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

That's very generous. My parents gave me a 8% 2 year personal loan for our down payment. We paid it back early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

How exactly is are poor parents supposed to pay for a wedding? Are they supposed to put themselves in debt and pay with credit cards?


People who push this as a tradition that should still have relevance seem to forget that weddings used to consist of cake and punch in a church basement, in a time when women didn’t have the ability to support themselves like they do today and got married very young. The fact that we still expect the parents of the bride to pay regardless of financial ability in a time where everyone seems to think they are entitled to a wedding fit for royalty is ridiculous(not to mention is this as proof they are “dysfunctional”😒).

Someone has to pay. If the couple wants a fairy tale wedding, and can’t afford it, they either need to go into debt or plan a simple affair. They won’t be any less married. The in-laws aren’t obligated to foot the bill for an outrageous party.

+1

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for a wedding. It is not as if people get married at 19 any more - most couples are at least 26 when they get married, have been working more than a few years, and have been living on their own. I could not imagine asking my parents, and certainly not my ILs to pay for our wedding. We were supporting (2) grown family members on DH's side AND paying for ourselves/paying our own way when we got married.

If you want a huge party for your friends, either tone it down, or make it a smaller party. Surely you can cut some recently acquired acquaintances off the guest list!

Yes but OP didn’t hold her daughter to this standard so it’s inequitable to now decide her son to this standard. You’re living in a hypothetical scenario not the scenario OP is in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would only pay as much for one kid as I could reasonably afford to spend for all of my kids, gender doesn't figure in to the calculation for me.

+1

And I’d consider offering the sum for a wedding or down payment in case they don’t want a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

How exactly is are poor parents supposed to pay for a wedding? Are they supposed to put themselves in debt and pay with credit cards?


People who push this as a tradition that should still have relevance seem to forget that weddings used to consist of cake and punch in a church basement, in a time when women didn’t have the ability to support themselves like they do today and got married very young. The fact that we still expect the parents of the bride to pay regardless of financial ability in a time where everyone seems to think they are entitled to a wedding fit for royalty is ridiculous(not to mention is this as proof they are “dysfunctional”😒).

Someone has to pay. If the couple wants a fairy tale wedding, and can’t afford it, they either need to go into debt or plan a simple affair. They won’t be any less married. The in-laws aren’t obligated to foot the bill for an outrageous party.

+1

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for a wedding. It is not as if people get married at 19 any more - most couples are at least 26 when they get married, have been working more than a few years, and have been living on their own. I could not imagine asking my parents, and certainly not my ILs to pay for our wedding. We were supporting (2) grown family members on DH's side AND paying for ourselves/paying our own way when we got married.

If you want a huge party for your friends, either tone it down, or make it a smaller party. Surely you can cut some recently acquired acquaintances off the guest list!

Yes but OP didn’t hold her daughter to this standard so it’s inequitable to now decide her son to this standard. You’re living in a hypothetical scenario not the scenario OP is in.

OP is an outraged DIL, not a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

How exactly is are poor parents supposed to pay for a wedding? Are they supposed to put themselves in debt and pay with credit cards?


People who push this as a tradition that should still have relevance seem to forget that weddings used to consist of cake and punch in a church basement, in a time when women didn’t have the ability to support themselves like they do today and got married very young. The fact that we still expect the parents of the bride to pay regardless of financial ability in a time where everyone seems to think they are entitled to a wedding fit for royalty is ridiculous(not to mention is this as proof they are “dysfunctional”😒).

Someone has to pay. If the couple wants a fairy tale wedding, and can’t afford it, they either need to go into debt or plan a simple affair. They won’t be any less married. The in-laws aren’t obligated to foot the bill for an outrageous party.

+1

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for a wedding. It is not as if people get married at 19 any more - most couples are at least 26 when they get married, have been working more than a few years, and have been living on their own. I could not imagine asking my parents, and certainly not my ILs to pay for our wedding. We were supporting (2) grown family members on DH's side AND paying for ourselves/paying our own way when we got married.

If you want a huge party for your friends, either tone it down, or make it a smaller party. Surely you can cut some recently acquired acquaintances off the guest list!

I’m an only child. My parents paid for my wedding. They had saved for my wedding and wanted to pay for it in addition to helping with a down payment. I didn’t ask for it. It was much nicer than what we could have afforded in our 20s (just a few years out of grad school and making much less than we do now so we didn’t have a ton saved). But even if we could have afforded a big wedding on our own, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with accepting a gift from your parents. We are saving to send our 3 kids to college, grad school, and help with wedding/downpayment. Some parents want to pay for these things for their kids, so I’m not sure why you’re so on the offensive about it.

[Anonymous]

Our son paid 100% of his undergraduate and graduate school education. He met a wonderful girl while an undergraduate. She came with loans and a family who could not afford a wedding.
You bet we paid for the wedding. She did lots of DIY and had some special touches that were meaningful to her. Those kids are going places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

20k is 1995 prices for a wedding. 20k is a rounding error on a downpayment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

20k is 1995 prices for a wedding. 20k is a rounding error on a downpayment

Is that true? How much does a wedding cost? I had earmarked $25k for each kid and thought that sounded like plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

But you can look at cost of wedding + cash gifts=total. Don't use the word poor or dysfunctional - consider term less available resources. It's 2 people and there can be variations in resources. Most important is that no one - couple or parents - goes into debt or has to stretch.

What happens if one M or F had a mini pandemic wedding for 15 and now another is planning a 100? Then what if one couple tops out at 100 and another wants 150 to 200+ guests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exuberant costs of weddings is one reason people keep delaying marriages.

yes, a friend delayed for two years and there were possibly some consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.

LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.

My ILs also did this. Some parents take a traditional view that they are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner for their sons and the wedding of their daughters. If their son’s fiancee’s parents can’t afford to pay, they are unhappy to be asked to contribute and to have their son marry into a poor or dysfunctional family that did not put aside funds for this expected expense.

But you can look at cost of wedding + cash gifts=total. Don't use the word poor or dysfunctional - consider term less available resources. It's 2 people and there can be variations in resources. Most important is that no one - couple or parents - goes into debt or has to stretch.

What happens if one M or F had a mini pandemic wedding for 15 and now another is planning a 100? Then what if one couple tops out at 100 and another wants 150 to 200+ guests?

Not having money for a child’s wedding does not equate to dysfunctional and having money for a child’s wedding does not equate to functional. Wealth is not a sign of virtue or good mental health or morality. Just look at Ray Dalio, Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, Bill Gates, and Elon Musk if you don’t believe me.

What a classist and ignorant perspective. Why should the parents of three girls need to save $150-300K for weddings when their counterparts with three boys are expected to save $45K for three weddings. Is the bride’s family gaining something materially different from the marriage than the groom’s family? The fact that some people hold up this outdated practice as normal is bizarre and the fact that their defense of it is morality or that it’s too hard to be a free thinking person is also bizarre to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

20k is 1995 prices for a wedding. 20k is a rounding error on a downpayment

Is that true? How much does a wedding cost? I had earmarked $25k for each kid and thought that sounded like plenty.

That’s a great amount to chip in. But think of this. I went to a 25k engagement party in 1991.

A band alone (you have to feed them and roadies) could be $20,000.

Now weddings include cocktail party night before, day of shuttle busses to church, reception, breakfast buffet morning after, gifts wedding party, flowers, limo, dj, band, and wedding itself well $250 a plate if fancy.

I got married in 1998 and watched every Nickel and paid ourselves and kept wedding small 110 people and did say wedding and it cost 20k. But that included wedding dress.

[Anonymous]

Lots of families all chip in: groom side pays 1/3, bride side pays 1/3, and couple pays 1/3.