No playdates because other siblings won't have a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

The one way to guarantee the sibling OP doesn't like won't come along is to host the playdate herself. Maybe mom has her reasons the boy couldn't be left at home alone. Maybe dad was working from home. Maybe the boy had expressed interest in going but then changed his mind when he got there and saw how unfriendly the other girl was. It's really not OP's business. By hosting the playdates she can control who is there. But she can't ask the other parents to exclude their kids from public places. As must as you say it's ridiculous for a 12 year to not stay home, I think it's also ridiculous that a 7 year old can't be dropped off for a playdate without her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s former best friend was an only and it was a nightmare to host her. We had an open yard policy where all the neighborhood kids were welcome to play in our yard and vice versa. My daughter’s friend would come over and demand that my younger son not be allowed to play on ours or our neighbors’ swingset equipment while she and my daughter were outside playing. The mom would also constantly invite my daughter, husband and me to do stuff with their family (go to pool, come over for dinner, etc.) and forget that we had a four year old son at home. The mom was not pleased when our families weren’t as close and she would send nasty texts accusing us of liking our neighbors and other friends better. Well, yeah, of course we were closer with other families that had multiple, same aged kids and were inclusive of all my children.

It’s not rocket science.

+1 to all of this

[Anonymous]

If you are doing meet-ups and the other parent is expected to stay, you should expect all the kids in that family. This is especially true if you live in an area where there are lots of no-car/1 car families or when the 7yr old is the oldest.

If you host drop-off play dates you will mostly get just one kid. My boys are close in age and have several friends who are in the grade level between them. Our assumption is that invites are for 1 child unless specified, but my child is expected to play kindly with all ages of children at the host’s home. Some homes want all kids to play together and others allow the host and guest some privacy to play a game or do a craft without younger siblings intervening. If my child was a guest and I found out he was whining about having to include a younger sibling or that my child was instigating unkind words or behaviors towards siblings, I would be upset. I am willing to split / distract siblings at my own home, but I expect my kids to follow the rules and expectations of the host’s home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to play with my sibling’s friends. I can totally understand the parents who bring along the other sibling. Especially if both parents work - it gives the other person some time off. I say this as the stay at home parent of an only child.

+1

The point is for the two kids to play together, not to give mom a free babysitter.

Here’s the thing, you can feel what ever you want about all of this. You can think the point is to optimize your daughter’s time with her friend. That’s what you would like. However, you are dealing with other people who have different needs and different preferences. And there are plenty of families who are flexible and accommodate those other needs and preferences. If you are rigid about this and encouraging your child to be rigid about it, your child will not be the one invited to things and your acceptance rate will trail off for hosted events. You don’t have to agree with anyone, but this is how it works. There are lots of nice kids who play well together and most families won’t jump through hoops to pick your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s former best friend was an only and it was a nightmare to host her. We had an open yard policy where all the neighborhood kids were welcome to play in our yard and vice versa. My daughter’s friend would come over and demand that my younger son not be allowed to play on ours or our neighbors’ swingset equipment while she and my daughter were outside playing. The mom would also constantly invite my daughter, husband and me to do stuff with their family (go to pool, come over for dinner, etc.) and forget that we had a four year old son at home. The mom was not pleased when our families weren’t as close and she would send nasty texts accusing us of liking our neighbors and other friends better. Well, yeah, of course we were closer with other families that had multiple, same aged kids and were inclusive of all my children.

It’s not rocket science.

The bossiest kid I know is the youngest of 3 kids. Should I now assume all youngest children are this way? Or all families of 3 kids? You have experience with one bossy kid who happened to be an only child. But go ahead and generalize and teach your kids to do the same .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to play with my sibling’s friends. I can totally understand the parents who bring along the other sibling. Especially if both parents work - it gives the other person some time off. I say this as the stay at home parent of an only child.

+1

The point is for the two kids to play together, not to give mom a free babysitter.

Except the mom is clearly staying with OP given that she suggests other kid be left with dad rather than staying with mom after drop off.

Reread the post I was responding to and try again.

[Anonymous]

In terms of the play dates that you host (whether at your home or outside location like park/zoo), this problem is EASILY solvable by making the play date drop off, which it really should be for 7 year olds. Drop off at that age is absolutely the norm. Folks would have to be astonishingly rude to drop off a sibling.

In terms of playdates your DD is invited to, it's a matter of the other families' house rules/policies. Talk to your DD and explain that. She could end up having a lovely time with all. Now, if there is a particular sibling that is genuinely difficult and with whom your DD truly doesn't jibe, then decline the invitation. My nephew used to literally ruin my niece's playdates. My sister now arranges to have him out of the house with my BIL or doing something special with her in another part of the house. (Just some immaturity that he will outgrow I'm sure.)

For those of you -- feels like the majority -- who require siblings be included when you host a playdate, how old is your child who is having the friend over? And how big is the age spread of siblings? Is there an age-spread limit of who has to be included? Do your kids (the older ones in particular) not request SOME time without their siblings? My older DD is almost 10 and my younger DD just turned 4. (Big and not-typical age difference, I know, but maybe you folks with 3 have a similar spread over the 3.) At age 10 the playdates are absolutely not about babysitting; they are about building and nourishing my DD's friendships: one-on-one or small group play at home is different than playing at school or camp, and important to her social development! She loves and begs for playdates. She is an AWESOME big sister who patiently plays with younger DD when they are at home or when neighborhood kids gather outside all the time, but they are really not compatible playmates for the kind of stuff she likes to do when she has a friend over. I keep younger DD out of her hair for the most part when her friends are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

Can you not read? OP specifically complained about her only having to play with younger siblings hanging around AT the other person's house! That her only wants to play with the friend only, not friend plus sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

Can you not read? OP specifically complained about her only having to play with younger siblings hanging around AT the other person's house! That her only wants to play with the friend only, not friend plus sibling.

I'm a DP. This was the sentence from the OP:

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

I actually read that as the OP's DD getting annoyed that a sibling CAME to the playdate that OP set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me how quick posters are to jump on only children and their parents. There is zero in OP’s posts that one could use to extrapolate that her kid is not nice to her friends’ siblings - you all are imparting that to OP’s statement that her kid isn’t often invited for playdates. It is really hurtful to those of us with only children to make negative generalizations about us and our kids, espexially since many of us are not in this position by choice (although many are, too, and my comments are equally applicable). I would never, ever make negative statements about other based on their family size, but for some reason there is free reign to dump on families of onlies.

OP, I think this is just a matter of convenience, not anything personal to your daughter. It is usually easier for parents balancing multiple kids’ schedules to just drop their kid at your house. Be glad kids like coming to your house- hopefully that will follow as your daughter ages and you will be grateful to be the house kids want to hang in when your daughter is middle/hs age .

(Also, minor point but multiple posters have criticized her / her kid for not being inclusive to the older sibling at the zoo playdate - OP said that kid was bored! and it is ridiculous to think a 12 yr old could not stay home alone.)

Can you not read? OP specifically complained about her only having to play with younger siblings hanging around AT the other person's house! That her only wants to play with the friend only, not friend plus sibling.

I'm a DP. This was the sentence from the OP:

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

I actually read that as the OP's DD getting annoyed that a sibling CAME to the playdate that OP set up.

Agree, and that is weird - as the parent of the invited child, I'd never show up at someone's house with my other kids without clearing it with the host. (playdates at the park, zoo, etc. are open game for all the kids, IMO.) Although, I am with all of the posters saying drop off playdates should be the norm at this age (I don't think my kids ever had parent-accompanied playdates from kindergarten onward) and thus this would be no big issue.

I admittedly skimmed, but isn't OP's main issue that her daughter never gets invited back? I can't imagine as a parent getting involved at all in who my kids wants to invite over, whether the kid is an only, or one of 5. I find all of the posters saying they'd only invite kids with siblings to their house for playdates to be very unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love for some insight into this issue. I have an only child (age 7) who has been invited to very few (like 2) playdates over the last three years of school. We have invited her friends many times to our house or to meet up at parks, etc. We never meet up with any of her friends unless I initiate and plan the playdate, their moms never reach out to us or invite us. I believe this is because all her friends have either younger or older siblings.

When we meet up with her friends who have siblings, the mom always brings the sibling to the playdate, even if they're different gender and much older. So for instance, last month we went to the zoo with her same aged friend and the friend's older brother, who was 12 and very bored and complaining the whole time. The mom even mentioned that Dad was home at that time, so I'm thinking why didn't she just leave him with Dad instead of bringing him to this outing when of course he would be bored?

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

Maybe your daughters lack of social graces and kindness is why you are not being invited. I definitely would be less inclined to invite a child who couldn't play well with both of my kids, or expected to exclude one of them. It makes it more of a hassle for me, because it doesn't keep both my kids out of my hair. And it doesn't set an example of kindness and good social skills. I think your expectations are way out of whack here, OP.

Oh dear. I’m so embarrassed for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to decide the culture/atmosphere of my home. If the kids are fighting or annoying each other, I'd intervene, but a kid insisting to just play with her friend and not interact with the family doesn't belong in my home.

Wow. You’re all ridiculous. Your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to decide the culture/atmosphere of my home. If the kids are fighting or annoying each other, I'd intervene, but a kid insisting to just play with her friend and not interact with the family doesn't belong in my home.

+1 We had a guest who only wanted to hang with one twin. They are the same gender. Our children have different personalities and friends, but if they want to play with a friend of the other during a playdate they can. DH is big on siblings before friends so that guest was never invited back.

We won't allow someone my kids won't even know in a few years to interfere with their relationship.

As a mom of tween twins, this is weird. Even though we are big on the sibling bond, they are different
It's okay if another child wants to play only with one twin, we help the other twin find something else to do. Of course we expect the kid to be polite to both twins but not that the playdate is for both.

This child was not polite and I will not allow my child to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

I'll tell you what I tell my kids. Different houses have different rules. It's easy for them to comprehend so I'm guessing you'll understand too.

Glad you are able to find something else for your child. Not happening here and don't care who thinks it's weird.

Sorry you’ve made your kids codependent. That’s a parenting fail on your part. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, I would not cultivate this friendship. I much prefer playdates where both my children will benefit, and I much prefer parents who will give me a break from both my kids at once. I happily host siblings and, if the group gets along well, explicitly invite them.

OP, ask yourself if you are making other people's life easier, or harder, with your opinions on this.

So much this. It's more this and the dynamic of the relationships vs how many kids the other family has.

Once again, it’s about your child getting to play with their friend. It’s not about free babysitting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to play with my sibling’s friends. I can totally understand the parents who bring along the other sibling. Especially if both parents work - it gives the other person some time off. I say this as the stay at home parent of an only child.

+1

The point is for the two kids to play together, not to give mom a free babysitter.

. But is it though?

Yes, it is, if Mommy isn’t selfish. But then, this is DCUM.