Expecting people to help you move in your forties?

[Anonymous]

Make a trade-off - BIL commits to weekend of yard work at your house or does the oil changes and car washes for your cars for the summer and DH helps with the move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a trade-off - BIL commits to weekend of yard work at your house or does the oil changes and car washes for your cars for the summer and DH helps with the move.

Or do what most normal human beings would do. Be generous and know that your BIL will reciprocate when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been hiring movies since my early twenties. These moochers need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

Is your time free? Do you give away free labor? Most people don't. Nothing in life is free and you may get injured in the process. Just say no because it's not something people in their 40s should have to do to spare cheap family a few bucks.

My time at s not free, but who can you rely on if not on family? What happens when op needs some help and she can’t find any paid help on time, and ends up asking bil and sil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a trade-off - BIL commits to weekend of yard work at your house or does the oil changes and car washes for your cars for the summer and DH helps with the move.

Or do what most normal human beings would do. Be generous and know that your BIL will reciprocate when the time comes.

What if the person is moving across the country?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, it’s family. If they are asking for help, you help. Not like this will happen often!

This isn't like an emergency ride to the hospital. This is being cheap. Just because you want free labor doesn't mean you get free labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Ummm. Yes it is rude to ask. Are you that classless and clueless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

Is your time free? Do you give away free labor? Most people don't. Nothing in life is free and you may get injured in the process. Just say no because it's not something people in their 40s should have to do to spare cheap family a few bucks.

My time at s not free, but who can you rely on if not on family? What happens when op needs some help and she can’t find any paid help on time, and ends up asking bil and sil?

You ask for help when you actually need it, like for an emergency, and people will rise to the occasion. But in this example, they are just taking advantage. There's a huge difference. Logical people know the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Ummm. Yes it is rude to ask. Are you that classless and clueless?

I don't think it's rude to ask, but I agree it's a class difference. Clearly you come from a higher social class than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

it absolutely is rude to ask people in their 40s to help you move when you can afford movers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

+1, I grew up never hiring movers and now I can and my kids will think it’s normal. But I am also raising them to be generous and kind and not to look down on people who do things differently.

[Anonymous]

I would say "oh sorry, I can't help with moving boxes but let me know when I can come over and help with unpacking".

Don't give a reason why, just say no to moving boxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Ummm. Yes it is rude to ask. Are you that classless and clueless?

THIS is the answer. We have a family member in their 50s who is taking TWO separate vacations this summer, is also moving, and has refused to hire movers. They are constantly sending out subtle hints that they need help with moving. How about cancel one of your leisure vacations and hire freakin’ movers?