Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to those that were respectful and gave thoughtful feedback on different ways to consider a situation.

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t think your daughter has the issues it’s you!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.

23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck

You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.

Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.

Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.

No one is melting down and way to deflect. People notice when people are rude and then eventually they stop bothering to engage with the person. It's just reality. Do whatever you want but if it was me I'd get my kid help.

I agree with this, and it would be great if OP would teach her daughter that. But instead, she is insisting that her daughter say hi every single morning, when the other kid has made clear (albeit in a rude way) that she would prefer not to interact with OP's daughter. In my book, continuing to initiate an unwanted interaction is equally rude.

[Anonymous]

Candidly, I think you're going to have to focus on what your daughter can control which is her behavior. I'm sure there is a reason why the girls haven't connected right now but you'll drive yourself crazy hypothesizing. Use it as a teaching moment to your daughter and emphasize "it's not her job to get everyone to like her and instead find friends with who she can have fun and share common interests. As long as your child is not being "bullied" then I'd let it go. The worst message I have for you is "this is only the beginning so you better put your seatbelt on".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

Look - my son does this. He stands on the opposite side of the street from the rest of the kids at the stop. He is extremely socially anxious. We’ve done rounds and rounds of therapy. He just can’t say hi. It is too scary for him.

Seriously. I explain that he appears not to like the other kids. The other kids think he doesn’t like them because of the way he acts.

You have no idea he’s is going on. I am seriously overly friendly when I am around him to set a good example.

I would continue to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

It is not mean. Social situations can be crippling for some people. Maybe she’s known the other kids since birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.

23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck

You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.

Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.

Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.

No one is melting down and way to deflect. People notice when people are rude and then eventually they stop bothering to engage with the person. It's just reality. Do whatever you want but if it was me I'd get my kid help.

I agree with this, and it would be great if OP would teach her daughter that. But instead, she is insisting that her daughter say hi every single morning, when the other kid has made clear (albeit in a rude way) that she would prefer not to interact with OP's daughter. In my book, continuing to initiate an unwanted interaction is equally rude.

I'm not insisting on anything. If she were going up to her to chat her ear off, when she's not into it, I'd 100% tell her to back off. But DD just says a quick "good morning" and if the girl doesn't engage (which is pretty much always), she turns to face the street to watch for the bus to come. It never occurred to me to tell her to not do that.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the security guard in my office. He would never say hi or acknowledge you. I'm talking about for 10 years. We started an in office game to get the guard to give anyone some type of acknowledgement when they said hello. We would go months with no success.

It's not a big deal op I don't think the other kid is mean.
She just may be rude and lacking manners.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

We can turn this around though.

Your daughter also needs to learn that if someone is putting out social clues that they want to be left alone, then you should leave them alone.

Standing alone at the top of the driveway (or as my DD does: in the garage) is a pretty clear signal that they want to be left alone.

It's actually kind of rude to try to engage in conversation with a person who is making it clear that they don't want to be engaged.

Its like the guys at the gyms that keep try to talk to women, even when the women have headphones on. Your daughter has to learn to read the room

+1. Do I think the girls behavior is ideal? No. Do I think OP’s kid needs to learn to read the room? Yes.

The reality is my husband isn’t a morning person. Me telling him a bright “hello” at 7am isn’t going to get me the response I want. I’ve learned to read the room.

+1

OP isn't going to like this, but her DD is being just as rude (or honestly, imo, ruder) than the other little girl. You don't have some god-given right to conversation. This kid made it perfectly clear by standing at the top of the driveway that she did not want to engage. OP, and her daughter, should have respected that

"Hi" or even polite wave and smile, is not conversation.

Expecting people to acknowledge our existence is actually sort of the bare minimum of what we CAN expect from other people. Except I guess not anymore, because we're all going to claim spectrum disorders to get us out of doing even the most minor possible thing to sustain some kind of social ties?

We need to teach our kids that saying hello, goodbye, thank you, and you're welcome are not burdensome. No, not even for people with social anxiety or spectrum disorders. They might have to work harder to do this, but it's still not a burden. That's like saying "well my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I don't make her brush her teeth." Or "my kid has a spectrum disorder, so I've decided it's okay for her to stick her tongue out at the teacher and roll her eyes when he asks her to turn in her work." Like yes, some people do have to work harder to do basic things, but that doesn't suddenly mean that those things are suddenly too much to ask.

It's not too much to ask. I agree with PPs that OP should take the opportunity to help her DD figure out how to deal with it when people are rude. Absolutely, that's going to be a good skill to have. But the other girl is being rude even if there is a reason why saying hello in response to someone greeting you is harder for her than it might be for the average person.

Also, hey, being rude is not the end of the world. But we should at least be able to acknowledge when something is rude. Standing there not responding when someone you know says hello to you is rude. No matter why you are doing it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

This has happened to my daughter a few times as well. Some girls are just mean and their parents watch the behavior and do nothing. It's inexplicable.

But this girl isn't rolling her eyes or making faces????? She just isn't talking to her DD at the bus stop.

You guys have issues

When someone says good morning or hello, you say hello back. That's it. That's all the OP was saying in her original post. To not do so is rude.

We're talking common courtesy and living in society and community together and basics. I DGAF if you are shy or anxious. You can muster up a hello back and if you can't seek meds or therapy.

Therapy takes years. And yes, my child is getting it. Still can’t say hi. It is frustrating for all of us but it doesn’t mean he is evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

It is not mean. Social situations can be crippling for some people. Maybe she’s known the other kids since birth.

Ignoring people is mean. What you are saying is that it might not be intentional. Which is fine, maybe it isn't.

But saying "oh this isn't rude" or "this isn't mean" is a form of gaslighting. Reaching out to someone who you know saw you and knows you are, and having them pretend you are not there? That's definitely mean. Doesn't mean you have to dissolve into a puddle of tears or hate them forever, but yes, ignoring people is mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to commiserate a bit. My DD has a girl like this in her dance class. DD is gregarious and loves dance, and greets her classmates and says goodbye to them by name. She doesn't pester or annoy them, just says "Hi Larla" or whatever. There is one classmate who not only never reciprocates but I have seen her visibly roll her eyes at my DD when she greets her. And again, it's not even some aggressive move -- I watched this interaction last week when we were leaving and my DD said "See you next week" to the girl in passing as we walked out, and the girl looked at her, grimaced, and rolled her eyes. Her mom was right there but I don't think saw the behavior.

I've taught my DD to be polite to other people and let her know that while she absolutely does not have to be friends with everyone, being polite costs you absolutely nothing. It's a shame how many other parents don't seem to bother with this.

This has happened to my daughter a few times as well. Some girls are just mean and their parents watch the behavior and do nothing. It's inexplicable.

But this girl isn't rolling her eyes or making faces????? She just isn't talking to her DD at the bus stop.

You guys have issues

When someone says good morning or hello, you say hello back. That's it. That's all the OP was saying in her original post. To not do so is rude.

We're talking common courtesy and living in society and community together and basics. I DGAF if you are shy or anxious. You can muster up a hello back and if you can't seek meds or therapy.

Therapy takes years. And yes, my child is getting it. Still can’t say hi. It is frustrating for all of us but it doesn’t mean he is evil.

Rude does not equal evil. No one said it was evil.

This thread is just this weird backwards day where suddenly we're all supposed to pretend that simply ignoring someone who says hello to you is fine and that we should and would all accept this behavior as normal operating procedure in our daily lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's such a tendency/desire to respond to an OP's posts with criticism that all common sense goes out the window.

If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior.

OP I always tell my kids that this is a learning moment. Bored, uninterested people are boring and uninteresting. This girl doesn't seem happy. That is sad. Let how you feel in this moment serve as a reminder to go out of your way to show kindness to others.

We're too willing to not judge and make excuses and say everyone is great. Some people have poor character. Some people are not good people. It's a good skill to be able to identify this. I am not talking about the girl because she is a young child. I am talking about her parents and they way she is being raised and what her parents puts up with. Her mom also sounds like a hypocrite.

This is why girls falter with friendships in MS/HS and relationships in college. Assuming the best from people who do not deserve it.

“If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior. “

Seriously?

Friendly people CAN have socially awkward kids. I am overly friendly to compensate for my very awkward child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the situation or why the other child is like this. If she's not actively being mean to your child, let it go.

Op here… ignoring another kid when they try to talk to you IS mean. I would not be pleased if my child did that. My DD has been visibly upset about it a couple of mornings.

For context, this girl doesn’t have special needs and seems to have several friends in the grade.

It is not mean. Social situations can be crippling for some people. Maybe she’s known the other kids since birth.

Ignoring people is mean. What you are saying is that it might not be intentional. Which is fine, maybe it isn't.

But saying "oh this isn't rude" or "this isn't mean" is a form of gaslighting. Reaching out to someone who you know saw you and knows you are, and having them pretend you are not there? That's definitely mean. Doesn't mean you have to dissolve into a puddle of tears or hate them forever, but yes, ignoring people is mean.

I think the people in this thread are talking about two different things: intent and effect. In this situation, we have a 9-year-old girl who isn't returning her classmate's "hello" in the morning. This is clearly having a negative effect on the classmate - she feels hurt/confused - so the effect is mean or rude. However, as many PPs have pointed out, we don't know what the girl's intent is - there are a lot of examples in this thread of reasons why she's not responding that aren't based in meanness or cruelty - so we can't say that the intent is mean or rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's such a tendency/desire to respond to an OP's posts with criticism that all common sense goes out the window.

If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior.

OP I always tell my kids that this is a learning moment. Bored, uninterested people are boring and uninteresting. This girl doesn't seem happy. That is sad. Let how you feel in this moment serve as a reminder to go out of your way to show kindness to others.

We're too willing to not judge and make excuses and say everyone is great. Some people have poor character. Some people are not good people. It's a good skill to be able to identify this. I am not talking about the girl because she is a young child. I am talking about her parents and they way she is being raised and what her parents puts up with. Her mom also sounds like a hypocrite.

This is why girls falter with friendships in MS/HS and relationships in college. Assuming the best from people who do not deserve it.

“If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior. “

Seriously?

Friendly people CAN have socially awkward kids. I am overly friendly to compensate for my very awkward child.

+1 to the "seriously?". That was one of the oddest statements on this thread. Pretty much the exact opposite has been true in my experience.