ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her

[Anonymous]

Maybe it would be best to choose one big thing to focus on and drop the rest for a bit. Then add in other pieces later. First, no toys outside the house. Let her be a sloth in the morning, prod her, etc. but no toys outside the house anymore. Be consistent and she will stop asking. It will cut down the race around the house looking for the item at the last minute. Once that new habit is established (try it consistently for 3 weeks) then move on to clothes. The next new habit is that she sleeps in her clothes for tomorrow. More time saved. Once she has done no toys outside and fixed the dressing self issues, move on to hair. etc. work on the stuff in the order of priority. This way you could start seeing measurable gains right away without complete overhaul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hyper focused on the food and feeding thing? She's 6 and 45lbs. That's a perfectly average weight, not even close to underweight.

Agree. She'll eat eventually. OP said she finishes her lunch after school. That's fine.

That is NOT always the case for some kids w/ special needs. That's advice for typical kids. There are kids w/ ASD (I don't know if that's OP's kid or not) that WILL NOT eat non-preferred foods. Can't do it. Or WILL NOT drink if it's not out of the 'right' cup. A

[Anonymous]

She knows you're desperate to get out of the house and she's in control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

I don't like the schedule you laid out. Fifty minutes for a breakfast she doesn't even want is absurd.

More importantly, WHY is breakfast BEFORE getting dressed? Get her up (later, because breakfast does not need to be that long), do bathroom time, then dress her, THEN she gets to go to breakfast ONLY once she is ready. If she gets dressed on time and eats breakfast.

WHy doesn't she want to eat? That's weird. Is your food gross?

She has food issues and allergies. She’s not underweight but isn’t gaining as well as the doctor wants. We cook foods she eats - pancakes, eggs, sausage, fresh fruit. Her diet is really limited. We can’t go out to eat and at friends houses she often won’t eat anything that is served unless it’s the right brand of pizza, chicken nuggets, Mac and cheese. She probably needs feeding therapy but I don’t have time for that on top of managing her brothers special needs, her activities, trying to get her active and burning energy after school daily which means me forcing bike rides, tag, etc. her therapist, helping her with homework, and managing her asthma and her brothers specialists and trying to work.

Feed her before you leave and then try to take some joy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows you're desperate to get out of the house and she's in control.

Stop.

Stop speaking like this. Children do well if they can. OP needs help managing the process w/ a difficult kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hyper focused on the food and feeding thing? She's 6 and 45lbs. That's a perfectly average weight, not even close to underweight.

Agree. She'll eat eventually. OP said she finishes her lunch after school. That's fine.

That is NOT always the case for some kids w/ special needs. That's advice for typical kids. There are kids w/ ASD (I don't know if that's OP's kid or not) that WILL NOT eat non-preferred foods. Can't do it. Or WILL NOT drink if it's not out of the 'right' cup. A

A kid that size is just fine. My kids weighed less at 6 and I didn’t worry about their diet. My 7 yr old never eats his lunch. She’s probably not even hungry. Some kids just eat like birds. Worry less about food.

[Anonymous]

My highly anxious kid needed lots of help getting ready in the morning. I assisted/did it for them until they were 10, following a strict routine, and would carry them into the car screaming if necessary to leave on time. At 14 they have no problem doing it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.

I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.

How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?

Not OP but mom of ASD girl here. They OFTEN don't screen girls for ASD at that age if they're "social" -- boys with the typical asd presentation get identified way earlier. Signed, a parent of a girl who got identified with ASD at 13 when she was acting exactly as OP's kid as a 6 year old. I was told by MULTIPLE professionals that she wasn't on the spectrum. I was told it was my parenting. Over and over and over.

Pp I can totally relate! My dd wasn't as bad as the op but, she didn't get diagnosed until aged 13. She was able to mask it well enough until middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if she doesn’t poop in the morning? She can poop at school.
That is WAY too long for eating. Can she bring unfinished food in the car?

There is Zero incentive to finish early. If my kids finish their checklists they get to play video games or watch a show on the iPad until it’s time to go. Shoes and coats on while they do it. For a long time they also got a dumdum lollipop or a Hershey kiss every time they got in the car on time.
There is no music, iPad, toys, or anything remotely fun at our house until the checklist is done.

We have toothbrushes and hair brushes in the 1st floor powder room. If they forget something upstairs, a parent will get it. Once they are downstairs and at the table eating, they do not go back upstairs at all. That’s how they get distracted and “lost”.

You have gotten a lot of advice OP but as an adhd parent I think this is the best post I read. If you look at your system, she has no incentives to do better. She doesn’t care about getting to school on time. You do. How can you get her to care about doing the things that need to be done? Give her a prize for doing things right. Treats are fine since she doesn’t eat anyways. At that age a prize box did wonders. Give all the kids prizes if it is an issue. But ask yourself why she would actually bother to be on time. As long as you have no answer that comes from her perspective, litttle will change.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to tell you my heart is breaking for you. I was very resistant to medicating my ADHD/ASD child, until I attended a talk by Dan Shapiro (https://www.parentchildjourney.com/resources/) and saw how upset my child was by his inability to control his behavior at school. Once we found the right medication (and that took some trial and error) it was such a difference. I realized, in retrospect, how much energy he was expending and how he'd been suffering just trying to get through his day, and I still feel terrible that I waited so long to get him the (medical) help he needed. I have always had the same anxiety about weight gain that I hear in your postings, but his food aversions and pickiness are also more manageable now that he is medicated. Please, for your daughter's sake as well as yours, ask your pediatrician to give meds a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medication! And in particular, a non-stimulant! It will last 24 hours a day, meaning it will help in the am and pm too - not just during school hours.

Yes, this! In particular clonidine is very helpful for sleep. It’s been fantastic for that for my DD. I was confused by your post about the pediatrician. I would try to get on the waitlist for a psychiatrist but in the meantime if your ped is willing to treat her I would give it a try. Be sure to emphasize the food and sleep issues. Those were big considerations for my kids medication.

I also urge you to reconsider feeding therapy. Kids with feeding issues have so much stress with every meal- it becomes a battle and it’s just terrible for your relationship. Speaking from experience here. Try feeding her as late as possible in your routine and you could just see if she eats better if there’s music on or you read. Or something. I totally sympathize, my child has ARFID and ADHD and it’s a tough combination. For lunch, could you problem solve with her and try to give her a say? Explain she is in charge of her eating and does she have any ideas how to make lunch better. Maybe a very high calorie meal replacement drink or smoothie? We have done taste tests to make it fun to try new things like that. Like all of us try a chocolate shake and give it points and then one gets a gold metal. That sort of thing.

Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Medication.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter seems to eat a lot of foods. Pancakes, eggs, fruit, sausage, pizza, cereal, nuggets, Mac and cheese, etc. My somewhat picky kids don't even eat all that. Why do you think she's in need of feeding therapy? Being picky about brands and types isn't that unusual for a 6 year old. A lot of kids are picky eaters. You feed her a super heavy breakfast and then wonder why she's not eating lunch.

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old is around 40 lbs, adhd and asd. Pediatrican is not worried about his weight. He is not medicated, and I can share his routine as below.

At nightime, I pick his next morning clothes, he does his night shower/change clothes/brush teeth and he goes to bed around 9:30pm, latest at 10pm. He wakes up on his own between 7am to 7:30pm, no need to change clothes, no need to comb his hair (his hair is never messy), no need to brush teeth (just rinse mouth), use bathroom and comes downstair. Upon him waking up, we leave the house in 10 to 20 min out of the front door with his backpack with his packed lunch ( I woke up early to make almost the same lunch for this picky eater). He eats zero to 3 bites of breakfast, but he normally finishes his lunch. All he needs to do in the morning is to rinse his mouth, use bathroom, wear socks/shoes/jackets, maybe zero to 3 bites of breakfast and 1 sip of water.

He loves to go to beforecare, so that is his motivatation to leave home to play. He is mad if I don't leave the house soon because he wants to play at beforecare. I don't care if he eats breakfast or not. If he does not eat, that is his choice to wait till lunch hours. On weekend, he can wear pajamas because there is no school next day.

I have a girl too. I only knows how to do ponytail, and that is all she gets. She wears the next day clothing in sleep. She can eat breakfast on the way to school or in the car. The same that I don't care if she eats breakfast or not since that is her choice.

[Anonymous]

If this were my kid I would have them sleep in their clothes and I’d give them a breakfast they could eat in the car. Then they’d literally just need to be lifted out of bed.

They’re too immature at this point and getting overwhelmed by the process. Best not to add more stress.