Today’s young adults want apologies from their parents; parents want a thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are all young adults - 33, 30, 28, 25, 22. None of them have ever even hinted that they want an apology. And I sure don’t need a thank you. Although all five of them show gratitude often. Either I got really lucky, or these facts are just made up.

or all of you are in denial or avoid conflict

I don’t think so. We are a very close family. They all come home whenever they can. I feel very lucky.

Did you apologize to your kids when they were living at home? Like if you later upon reflection realized a punishment was really harsh or something? I wonder if parents who own up to mistakes as they go are less likely to be hit later with a request for an apology.

Definitely. I apologized many times when they were younger. I made a lot of mistakes back then. It wasn’t easy with five so close together. But, most of the time it was a lot of fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another parent of Zs: This gen also spend a ridiculous amount of time on IG and Tiktok accounts that convince them they have a mental disorder of some kind and need therapy plus aforementioned apologies. I don’t know how society got to this point and it’s so frustrating.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it a very bizarre concept that adult kids would want an apology for whatever they perceive their parents did wrong. A conversation about it, perhaps, but I believe most parents just do the best they can with what they have to work with. Are they supposed to apologize for being human, imperfect, and therefore a great disappointment to their kids?

It does make sense that the OP refers to young adults because I think almost 100% of everybody that becomes a parent themselves views this issue very differently than most non-parents.

This actually sounds comically childish to me. Like when you explain to a child that an apology would be appropriate in a situation, they will come back with "sorry I'm not perfect, sheesh, I guess I'm just a big disappointment."

[Anonymous]

Complaining about how expensive kids are, to your kids, is such a pet peeve of mine. My dad did this all the time and it's impossible because as a child, what are you going to do? Stop eating? Wear clothes with holes in them? Never do any activities and never have any medical needs and never lose anything and not go to college?

Kids cost money. They are people, they have to eat and need a place to live. And yes, they are going to ask to have things that they see other people having or that they want. THAT'S NORMAL. It is normal to see things and think "oh I want that." And children don't work for a living (and shouldn't have to) and don't have the means to buy things for themselves. So yes, they are going to ask you. If doing so makes you feel bad, it's not because your kids are ungrateful jerks, it's because you have some internal stuff you need to deal with regarding money. Deal with it.

I just can't stand it when parents act beleaguered about the totally normal and predictable financial demands of having children. You know what's free? Not having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are all young adults - 33, 30, 28, 25, 22. None of them have ever even hinted that they want an apology. And I sure don’t need a thank you. Although all five of them show gratitude often. Either I got really lucky, or these facts are just made up.

or all of you are in denial or avoid conflict

I don’t think so. We are a very close family. They all come home whenever they can. I feel very lucky.

Did you apologize to your kids when they were living at home? Like if you later upon reflection realized a punishment was really harsh or something? I wonder if parents who own up to mistakes as they go are less likely to be hit later with a request for an apology.

Definitely. I apologized many times when they were younger. I made a lot of mistakes back then. It wasn’t easy with five so close together. But, most of the time it was a lot of fun!

+1. I apologize to my kid (ideally not often), but I do it because it was something that was modeled to me as a kid by my dad, especially. There's stuff I would change about my childhood (and things I'm doing differently as a dad), but I have never thought anyone needed to apologize. I do wonder if that's because I know he was capable of seeing his mistakes and owning up.

[Anonymous]

Boomers: “Don’t trust anyone over 30.”

Gen Z’s: “Don’t trust boomers.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Are you a social scientist researcher who has studied this question? Did you read this somewhere? Or are you just spouting some random observations based on a handful of young people in your orbit?

OP here. Friends and I were discussing attitudes of our young adult children. One of them mentioned there was a trend of “apology fantasy” filmmaking by younger directors. “Everything, Everywhere All at Once” being a recent example. It was just a conversation. I don’t quite understand the hostility in your question— are you unwell? Did the question strike a nerve? Are you going to have an episode?

Oh man, I'm not PP but this is really rude and it makes it seem like you aren't asking in good faith.

I did. I was responding to a$&hat pp in the way she spoke to me.

Also a totally new poster. Wow, OP, that question was not rude, but you were. Twice.

(Are you the poster who refers to everyone as "drama llamas" by any chance?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

Are you a social scientist researcher who has studied this question? Did you read this somewhere? Or are you just spouting some random observations based on a handful of young people in your orbit?

OP here. Friends and I were discussing attitudes of our young adult children. One of them mentioned there was a trend of “apology fantasy” filmmaking by younger directors. “Everything, Everywhere All at Once” being a recent example. It was just a conversation. I don’t quite understand the hostility in your question— are you unwell? Did the question strike a nerve? Are you going to have an episode?

Oh man, I'm not PP but this is really rude and it makes it seem like you aren't asking in good faith.

I did. I was responding to a$&hat pp in the way she spoke to me.

Also a totally new poster. Wow, OP, that question was not rude, but you were. Twice.

(Are you the poster who refers to everyone as "drama llamas" by any chance?)

No, I have never used that term. It sounds sophomoric.

If you don’t understand that I was attacked, I can’t help you with your reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this is a real dynamic?

Young adults (18-23) with a sense of being wronged. They’re exhausted parents who did everything they could.

Lots of resentment bubbling over.

I think so. If their parents didn't want to procreate, young people wouldn't have a single problem to begin with. You bring other humans into this world without their consents, pass your subpar genes, do flawed parenting with your limited emotional and financial resources in a messed up world, the least you can do is to apologize. I'm only half kidding here, even the best of parents are literally the source of half of the problems kids face.

Wow. Speechless.

Well kids cause a lot of expense and trouble for the unsuspecting parents too. It evens the score.

I'm honestly saying this all with a light heart (I'm not either of those PPs), but he response to this is why would the parent be unsuspecting? Shouldn't we know what we are getting into when we bring a child into the world?

No. You are told it’s really hard and you see that it’s really hard, but you don’t *really* get it until it’s too late! And Mother Nature sets it up so you decide to have another one right when your first is getting easier but still really cute and importantly, small enough to control easily. You don't get how the teen years will go until it’s too late and you have more than one! Such a bait and switch! If they started as teens, 75% would be only children.

Honest question: what was it you didn’t understand about raising children until you had kids?

I did not understand how biased our society is against mothers. It seems that we are praising motherhood while quietly stubbing mothers in the back.

Can you provide an example?

E.g. an enormous pressure to breastfeed without any consideration of what it means for a particular woman on a practical level. I am saying it as a working mom of three whose kids never had formula - breastfeeding or pumped milk only for at least a year each.

What pressure to breast feed? That’s usually pressure women put on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Complaining about how expensive kids are, to your kids, is such a pet peeve of mine. My dad did this all the time and it's impossible because as a child, what are you going to do? Stop eating? Wear clothes with holes in them? Never do any activities and never have any medical needs and never lose anything and not go to college?

Kids cost money. They are people, they have to eat and need a place to live. And yes, they are going to ask to have things that they see other people having or that they want. THAT'S NORMAL. It is normal to see things and think "oh I want that." And children don't work for a living (and shouldn't have to) and don't have the means to buy things for themselves. So yes, they are going to ask you. If doing so makes you feel bad, it's not because your kids are ungrateful jerks, it's because you have some internal stuff you need to deal with regarding money. Deal with it.

I just can't stand it when parents act beleaguered about the totally normal and predictable financial demands of having children. You know what's free? Not having kids.

+1 my mother often said I should be grateful to be alive. Like I would’ve picked her if given a choice. Stop blaming kids—they didn’t consent to being born!

[Anonymous]

Would God ever apologize to His children? What's the point in creating them? To be able to reward and punish? Is this some sort of virtual game? Are we even real?

[Anonymous]

This is one topic which can make everyone forget their disputes and focus on the one who really started it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Complaining about how expensive kids are, to your kids, is such a pet peeve of mine. My dad did this all the time and it's impossible because as a child, what are you going to do? Stop eating? Wear clothes with holes in them? Never do any activities and never have any medical needs and never lose anything and not go to college?

Kids cost money. They are people, they have to eat and need a place to live. And yes, they are going to ask to have things that they see other people having or that they want. THAT'S NORMAL. It is normal to see things and think "oh I want that." And children don't work for a living (and shouldn't have to) and don't have the means to buy things for themselves. So yes, they are going to ask you. If doing so makes you feel bad, it's not because your kids are ungrateful jerks, it's because you have some internal stuff you need to deal with regarding money. Deal with it.

I just can't stand it when parents act beleaguered about the totally normal and predictable financial demands of having children. You know what's free? Not having kids.

And this ruined your life, right? So now your parents have to pay for your therapy.

[Anonymous]

So often on DCUM it seems like young adults are blaming parents for their own bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So often on DCUM it seems like young adults are blaming parents for their own bad decisions.

Honestly their parents are partly if not wholly responsible. I understand parents want to wash their hands and say they had no effect on their child but I don’t see how that’s possible.