DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Dh has worked from home for a while now. He still gets up early, works out at gym or pool and showers. Then makes breakfast for kids. He wears sweatpants at home but all the time commuting is saved so he can do laundry, get kids to and from the bus. On days i work from home we have lunch and/or sex in a kid free empty house mid day and its lovely. When do do WFH we are on entirely different floors and dont say anything to each other unless we make a point to meet up. He still goes to bed early etc. Its not about WFH but personal discipline.

[Anonymous]

Seems like DH has gotten himself in a rut. If he went from waking early, dressing and grooming for work, seeing people and socializing during the day, to staying up until midnight watching tv/drinking, having leisurely mornings and getting his jams on at 4:30, it is likely he's embarrassed of his own behavior.

If his peers are in the office and he is not, he is probably too uncomfortable and embarrassed to return.

[Anonymous]

He sounds happy. I'm not seeing the issue.

[Anonymous]

He can totally do what he wants and this is your problem, not his.

That said why not schedule some date nights

[Anonymous]

Agree about DH getting into a rut. I suspected my DH did also, because I had many of the same concerns as OP (although I am a SAHM with young kids) and my DH started going into the office twoish times a week after some nagging on my part. Then, once he settled into that after about a month he started going in almost every day completely by his own choice. Our marriage has been so much better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Laughing thinking about what this board would say about a wife who wore sloppy PJs all day and stayed up late drinking wine in front of the TV.

If she works out daily/is hot, and has a job, no one would care and people would snipe for being jealous

People are overlooking the fact that op’s husband is in shape and employed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree about DH getting into a rut. I suspected my DH did also, because I had many of the same concerns as OP (although I am a SAHM with young kids) and my DH started going into the office twoish times a week after some nagging on my part. Then, once he settled into that after about a month he started going in almost every day completely by his own choice. Our marriage has been so much better!

Good for you!! Married couples were not meant to be together 24/7.. It's unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

I find this whole discussion a bit bizarre. I am SAH, and I loved having my DH home during COVID. Because I love him and want to be around him.

This idea that WFH causes lower t levels is very interesting though.

[Anonymous]

You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WFH is great but people taking the DH's side here aren't paying attention.

WFH is and should be a quality of life upgrade, but if you are married and have kids, that upgrade should benefit everyone in the family. Like I started WFH when I became a mom, and I loved it but so did my kid (who saw me way more) and my DH (who benefitted from my flexible schedule for childcare, the time I spent doing stuff around the house during breaks from work, and how much more chill I was as a person because I wasn't stressed about commuting or balancing motherhood and work so much). It was a win all around, so no one in my family has ever been like "ugh, please go to an office." Why would they?

OP's DH has decided the benefits of WFH accrue to him and him alone. WFH means he doesn't have to wear "hard pants" most of the day, can stay up drinking since he doesn't have to commute, and can sleep in. If he were single I would be fine with all of that, I don't care. But he's not single. He's not spending any of the time he used to spend commuting with his family. That's selfish, shouldn't they be a priority for him? Also, with the drinking and late nights and sleeping in, his WFH schedule is actually LESS conducive to family time than when he worked in an office. When do he and his wife connect? When does he talk to the kids about their days? Most people (men and women) I know who started WFH during Covid, this is what they value about it, as well as cost savings due to loss of commute and eating at home more, and health benefits from having more time to exercise.

WFH does not exist, and should not exist, so that you can drink until the middle of the night and then wake up late, and wear sweatpants all day without getting in trouble with your boss. If that's the argument for WFH, let's all go back to the office because that's dumb. I'm all for OP's DH getting to WFH, but he's doing it in an incredibly self-centered way.

Then that's what OP should focus on. (Although it's not clear that he's not spending more time with his family. He's off work at 4:30, but he's home. OP's complaint is that she doesn't actually want to spend time with him after work and that they are spending TOO MUCH time together.) If the issue is that he needs to do more around the house or spend more time with the kids, then talk about that. If the issue is his drinking, then talk about that.

And, frankly, it's not an argument against WFH that people don't use their free time in a way you approve of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

UMM you seem to have missed the post that OP has kids and has WFH to be the main caretaker. I wouldn't like my DH drinking and staying up until midnight, waking at 9am, jams at 4:30 for my kids to see on a daily basis. what kind of role model is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WFH is great but people taking the DH's side here aren't paying attention.

WFH is and should be a quality of life upgrade, but if you are married and have kids, that upgrade should benefit everyone in the family. Like I started WFH when I became a mom, and I loved it but so did my kid (who saw me way more) and my DH (who benefitted from my flexible schedule for childcare, the time I spent doing stuff around the house during breaks from work, and how much more chill I was as a person because I wasn't stressed about commuting or balancing motherhood and work so much). It was a win all around, so no one in my family has ever been like "ugh, please go to an office." Why would they?

OP's DH has decided the benefits of WFH accrue to him and him alone. WFH means he doesn't have to wear "hard pants" most of the day, can stay up drinking since he doesn't have to commute, and can sleep in. If he were single I would be fine with all of that, I don't care. But he's not single. He's not spending any of the time he used to spend commuting with his family. That's selfish, shouldn't they be a priority for him? Also, with the drinking and late nights and sleeping in, his WFH schedule is actually LESS conducive to family time than when he worked in an office. When do he and his wife connect? When does he talk to the kids about their days? Most people (men and women) I know who started WFH during Covid, this is what they value about it, as well as cost savings due to loss of commute and eating at home more, and health benefits from having more time to exercise.

WFH does not exist, and should not exist, so that you can drink until the middle of the night and then wake up late, and wear sweatpants all day without getting in trouble with your boss. If that's the argument for WFH, let's all go back to the office because that's dumb. I'm all for OP's DH getting to WFH, but he's doing it in an incredibly self-centered way.

Then that's what OP should focus on. (Although it's not clear that he's not spending more time with his family. He's off work at 4:30, but he's home. OP's complaint is that she doesn't actually want to spend time with him after work and that they are spending TOO MUCH time together.) If the issue is that he needs to do more around the house or spend more time with the kids, then talk about that. If the issue is his drinking, then talk about that.

And, frankly, it's not an argument against WFH that people don't use their free time in a way you approve of.

Everyone is different with different tastes and styles they find attractive, purposeful, etc. Nothing wrong with needing space from a spouse you see every day and night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

UMM you seem to have missed the post that OP has kids and has WFH to be the main caretaker. I wouldn't like my DH drinking and staying up until midnight, waking at 9am, jams at 4:30 for my kids to see on a daily basis. what kind of role model is that?

Then the argument from OP would have just been about drinking. But what does her title say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

UMM you seem to have missed the post that OP has kids and has WFH to be the main caretaker. I wouldn't like my DH drinking and staying up until midnight, waking at 9am, jams at 4:30 for my kids to see on a daily basis. what kind of role model is that?

Then the argument from OP would have just been about drinking. But what does her title say?

My take was she's turned off because of many things that have progressed since he's WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

UMM you seem to have missed the post that OP has kids and has WFH to be the main caretaker. I wouldn't like my DH drinking and staying up until midnight, waking at 9am, jams at 4:30 for my kids to see on a daily basis. what kind of role model is that?

She used to be WFH because she did more with the kids. Now, if I am reading her right, she just likes it - and doesn't like her husband being all up in her space when she thinks the house should be hers alone.