For those well-meaning social workers
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Anonymous
Come on out and take my place? I’ve been doing this a month and am exhausted beyond recognition. |
Anonymous
She doesn’t think about that because she can’t. According to the new hospice, the other hospice was not balancing her meds right and not giving her anti-anxiety meds which is critical during the dying process. I expect things to settle down soon. |
Anonymous
I’m so sorry to hear that no one was willing to help you either. It’s really so sad, isn’t it? I was given a list of vetted caregivers by the new hospice and it was like being thrown a lifeline! I would know where to look in my own state but here I’m at a loss. I started calling today. She also had a younger friend of hers come forward today and ask if she can come help as well. What a Godsend! She’s a wonderful lady - know my folks and my aunt for over 22 years and I gotta tell you, my aunt is a very difficult person. TBH, she’s going downhill fast so I’ll probably stay at least another week, now that the new hospice is in place as well as her friend, and someone we hire by the hour. A few cousins stepped forward and offered to help fund the caregivers. That’s going to help a lot! |
Anonymous
Right, but does that particular hospice make the decision, or is it someone else, such as a judge? Because sometimes people will tell you things that are not true. You know this. You can walk away right now. Absolutely. If you want to spend any more energy or time on this effectively, then you first get this ruling made -- and this is key -- by the person who can make it. If that fails there is nothing you or anyone else can do against her wishes. If it goes through, then when you leave, the machinery of the hospital can do things that they didn't before. |
Anonymous
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I’m not understanding this. OPs aunt was in a subpar hospice then moved to a better hospice. Great. OPs parents want to live at home, despite the fact that she feels they would get more support at a facility, and thinks someone should be forcing them into this facility?
This sounds really stressful but I’m not sure what can reasonably be done when two stubborn elderly have decided they are staying in their home. |
Anonymous
Have you watched someone die? They are no longer coherent and can’t speak sense. The decision of competence becomes obvious 
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Anonymous
Hospice is at home unless you pay for it out of pocket. Medicare does not pay for inpatient hospice unless you are actively dying. Then they will take you into a hospice center. Medicare only pays for 5 days inpatient unless it’s a hospital. Actively dying is not what you think it is. Actively dying means dying within a day or hours. First place would not even define it. Second hospice is one that is non-profit, so is much more compassionate about services. |
Anonymous
My parents wanted to stay at home but now realize due to their failing health, that they need to compromise. Finally. They will not go to a ‘facility’. They can afford their own condo in community specifically for older seniors that provides socialization, meals, etc. and will bring someone in to help them when needed. They will now be very close to family for additional support. The cash from the SF home they are selling will be more than enough. There are many solutions out there for elders that don’t involve a nursing home |
Anonymous
This, 100%. Why do people think they can force their adult parents into something they don't want? My sisters did this to my parents and the results have been horrendous. My father just died two weeks ago, 18 months after moving out of his house and as a result of horrible care that was forced on him by the senior community they moved into. They both would have been better off if they had stayed at home, even if meant falling down the stairs or some other accident that may or may not end their lives. Let old people live and die as they wish. I'm so sick and tired of the know-it-alls coming on here thinking they know better. I urge everybody to read Being Mortal and gain a better understanding of how priorotizing safety over living is ruining the lives of the elderly. |
Anonymous
I hope they read the fine print. My parents thought that was a great compromise. But typically, those places will not permit people who cannot physically care for each other or themselves to live independently and will force them into the skilled nursing care. I warned my parents of this, and within 12 months of moving into their independent living apartment, they forced my father into nursing care--in the middle of the pandemic, so my mother didn't lay eyes on him for over 6 months. He died a year later, just last week. These solutions are not what you all think they are. They can work out great for those who are physically independent, but once they are not, it's really awful. |
Anonymous
Here are just a few of the issues I faced with age in place parents over many years. Their plan is not just to frolic at home come what may. They expect the adult children to enable it all and their requests grow exponentially. When you finally start setting boundarie3s the rage fits come. So you spend the last 6 years being the dutiful daughter and now you are satan and deserve verbal abuse often. Some relatives will join in harassing you. Others will harass you because you haven't put the parent in a home yet, but they certainly won't help you with that because that is YOUR job. The fallout I see among peers and myself is they eat their young. You get the therapy, you join support groups, but as you manage parenthood, work, your own marriage and life stressors, etc it eats away at your health whether you help as much as they want or set limits. And...there is the fallout of them harming strangers-you took away the car keys and she convinced her brother to get her a new car that she could potentially murder someone with because mommy isn't required to take a driving test at 80! And no matter what you do...put her in residential or keep her at home in a dysfunctional family everyone blames the adult child-usually a daughter. |
Anonymous
First, that is not what has been described in OP's problem. Second, if nobody were taking her as competent to refuse, then OP would have nobody she had to push back against. We can talk about situations that aren't actually happening if you really want, but that would only be for your entertainment. It wouldn't address what is actually happening here. |
Anonymous
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OP it’s a very difficult situation. And the other 32 family members who did nothing will all have opinions. They may even blame you.
As for the SW. Some are great but others … it’s a field that attracts some bossy and unpleasant people. |
Anonymous
Of course they won't let you live independently if you cannot live independently?! Most people are in denial about their level of need, but once professionals are involved they will assess level of need. You act like this is nefarious. Nobody predicted a pandemic. You act like getting the right level of care killed him. He lived a full year longer after being moved. Does not sound like they did him in. Sounds like you buried your head in the sand about what your father's level of functioning was and now you are scapegoating a nursing home. |
Anonymous
Not true at this place. People buy there and they provide a list of vetted caregivers/agencies for people to hire from. With that and family within two miles, they will be able to sty until their death. |