For those well-meaning social workers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I don't get the vitriol towards you. You are in a difficult and stressful situation and of course you can't shut down your whole life to save unwilling adults. Your parents are reaping the harvest of years of poor decisions. You need a therapist or some other support to help you figure out what emotional and logistical support you are able to offer so you can spend the remaining time you have with them in peace.

The reaction to OP is because she expects social workers to solve family problems. Her parents are competent but made decisions that OP doesn’t like. OP wants the social workers to do what OP wants and is ranting against them because they are doing exactly what they are legally obligated to do.

[Anonymous]

I wish people over 50 (or 60?) were required every year to have a will, end of life wishes and a written list for things like power of attorney, etc on file. Same way they have to file taxes. There are so many elderly with their heads in the sand thinking they'll live forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I don't get the vitriol towards you. You are in a difficult and stressful situation and of course you can't shut down your whole life to save unwilling adults. Your parents are reaping the harvest of years of poor decisions. You need a therapist or some other support to help you figure out what emotional and logistical support you are able to offer so you can spend the remaining time you have with them in peace.

The reaction to OP is because she expects social workers to solve family problems. Her parents are competent but made decisions that OP doesn’t like. OP wants the social workers to do what OP wants and is ranting against them because they are doing exactly what they are legally obligated to do.

I don’t understand what she even wants the social workers to do. They can set up a nursing home and transport her parents there, but it sounds like they will just leave and go home. (From what I’m reading, OP will probably pick them up and drive them home, then be upset at the nursing home staff.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you keep bailing them out. You show up while saying you can’t show up. Moving your parents is an incredibly difficult feat if they do not consent. But showing up means there is no crisis so the social workers have no power.

The problem is your parents, not the social worker. And secondarily, your unwillingness to allow a crisis to occur which would allow a social worker to actually step in, you and your family show up. Your expectations are out of whack.

It’s impossible if they don’t consent. You can’t just take competent, law-abiding adults out of their homes and lock them up against their will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn't much "the system" can offer unless and until the parents are out of funds. That includes the house being sold. When things get to that stage the next step is to get them certified for Medicaid/Medicare and find a facility that will take them.

OP, seriously - you need to get some mental help for yourself STAT. Your anger and vitriol is beyond normal and can only be a horrible way for you to exist, not to mention those around you. Please reach out and get professional help.

She is out of funds.

My mental health will immediately stabilize when I am out of this crap-show, which I plan to be in the very near future. I DID consult both a therapist AND a lawyer and both told me the problem is NOT me, it’s the system. Damn straight I’m angry - five years of this type of nonsense will do that. And everyone has their hand out as they drive themselves into the ground. There is NO way I’m destroying my husband’s retirement, which he’s worked hard for all his life, to accommodate stubborn elderly adults. End of.

Who is telling you to do this? I kind of think you might benefit from ala-non, OP. Sometimes people you love make bad decisions that put them in real danger, and you have to have boundaries or they will ruin your life too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish people over 50 (or 60?) were required every year to have a will, end of life wishes and a written list for things like power of attorney, etc on file. Same way they have to file taxes. There are so many elderly with their heads in the sand thinking they'll live forever.

I think everyone over 21 should be required to do so. There are brain damaged and wheelchair bound 20-somethings (think motorcycle accident) permanently in nursing homes. Rarely do they have a DNR on file and as long as their bodies hold up they will need full time care for the rest of their lives which could reasonably be another 30 or 40 years. Yes, they may be an exception but they are a very long-term and costly exception.

[Anonymous]

OP—it sounds like you want the SW to explain to your parents that they cannot live alone and that they need to sell their home in order to pay for care.

If I’m incorrect, what is it you want the SW to do that they are not doing?

[Anonymous]

I lived through a similar situation with my parents and it almost ruined my own health. I really think that the government needs to help elderly people who are sick and broke. The resources of a family are rarely enough to care for sick, aging parents. Other countries take better care of elderly through government resources, the US is failing the elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you keep bailing them out. You show up while saying you can’t show up. Moving your parents is an incredibly difficult feat if they do not consent. But showing up means there is no crisis so the social workers have no power.

The problem is your parents, not the social worker. And secondarily, your unwillingness to allow a crisis to occur which would allow a social worker to actually step in, you and your family show up. Your expectations are out of whack.

It’s impossible if they don’t consent. You can’t just take competent, law-abiding adults out of their homes and lock them up against their will.

It's easy for people to say just stop helping them, they don't know what it's like to not sleep at night worrying about aging parents and also have other relatives judge you. It's brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—it sounds like you want the SW to explain to your parents that they cannot live alone and that they need to sell their home in order to pay for care.

If I’m incorrect, what is it you want the SW to do that they are not doing?

I agree this is what OP wants. OP, social work does not attract practical, pragmatic individuals. Also, since they have no legal authority over your parents they can only be "touchy feely". Like I said earlier, their goal is to answer questions, very gently make suggestions, and leave the appt with your parents feeling they were heard and comforted.

You might get lucky and get a physical therapist that will be more honest and realistic with your parents. Let the agency know you would like it if your parents would move into a home. They don't want to say things out of place

Like doctors that won't address weight with obese patients, they don't want to offend and/or cut off communication. The elder care system is for what your parents want, not what is best or what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived through a similar situation with my parents and it almost ruined my own health. I really think that the government needs to help elderly people who are sick and broke. The resources of a family are rarely enough to care for sick, aging parents. Other countries take better care of elderly through government resources, the US is failing the elderly.

That’s what social security is for. Granted for many it’s insufficient to maintain the lifestyle that they want. But the government does provide aid.

[Anonymous]

OP, honey, no one cares. No one here, no SW, no relatives, no one. Difficult elderly people are shunted off on the people who show up. For now, that is you. Stop showing up, or don't, but that is your answer. There is no magic solution other than for them to die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you keep bailing them out. You show up while saying you can’t show up. Moving your parents is an incredibly difficult feat if they do not consent. But showing up means there is no crisis so the social workers have no power.

The problem is your parents, not the social worker. And secondarily, your unwillingness to allow a crisis to occur which would allow a social worker to actually step in, you and your family show up. Your expectations are out of whack.

I showed up because my mother had a major heart attack and minor stroke. It was not known if she would survive when I was on the plane.

Just showing up does NOT mean there is no crisis. You are delusional. Social workers are supposed to evaluate the situation realistically and realistically, I live 3000 miles away. They know that. They know I am not staying, therefore, crisis. Duh.

You really sound like an awful person OP.
~social worker

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived through a similar situation with my parents and it almost ruined my own health. I really think that the government needs to help elderly people who are sick and broke. The resources of a family are rarely enough to care for sick, aging parents. Other countries take better care of elderly through government resources, the US is failing the elderly.

The problem is that no one really cares about quality of life for the elderly, and they care even less about quality of life for the (majority) women who are dealing with this. There are ways to make this easier. In Germany, for example, mandatory service requirements can either be in the military or with a government service that has people check in on elderly residents (there may be other types of service, but these are things I know German friends did). Even leaving aside the mandatory service requirement, the point is that the government recognizes that elderly people need extra help and provides a service that allows people to maintain some independence while also recognizing the reality of physical and cognitive decline.

We live in a country that actively encourages people to move for better income opportunities and then punishes people who don't live right next door to their aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived through a similar situation with my parents and it almost ruined my own health. I really think that the government needs to help elderly people who are sick and broke. The resources of a family are rarely enough to care for sick, aging parents. Other countries take better care of elderly through government resources, the US is failing the elderly.

That’s what social security is for. Granted for many it’s insufficient to maintain the lifestyle that they want. But the government does provide aid.

Money isn't the only thing that elderly people need. My parents are very well-off financially, but I worry about their ability to take care of themselves physically and maintain their home.