For those well-meaning social workers
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Anonymous
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I flew cross-country in the middle of a pandemic thinking my mother was on death's door. She (thankfully) survived and is at the end of acute rehab and going home tomorrow. My aunt lives nearby and is in end-stage cancer. I didn't know how end-stage it was until I got here (she sounds better on the phone then she actually is). So I've been bouncing for the past two weeks between rehab and my aunt's home. The first thing my mother says when I get here is "oh good, now your sister can continue to work". Um, I had to close my business to come here on an open-ended timeframe.
My mother and father are still under the delusion they can live alone, far from family, because she's afraid to change. The social workers are all "oh, your mother is afraid"... in other words...feeeeeellinnnnngs. Me: "My father had a stroke years ago and needs some caretaking himself. They are out of money. They can feel any way they want but they can't afford this anymore. They have to sell the house". Social worker: Bunch of caring words but no practical solutions. Me: "I understand she's scared. That does not change the reality of being out of money and not being able to afford living alone anymore. It's not safe. My sister cannot do to the heavy lifting required to take care of two frail people, one heavy-set". Social worker: "But they don't waaanttt toooo leaaaaveeeee". Me: "Can you or the state provide them with full-time care that they can't afford to pay for?" Social worker: "But they have family". Me: "Family who can't physically do the work and financially can't afford to pay someone out of pocket for that full-time care". Social worker: "Silence". On top of that, I overheard the home hospice manager telling the NP that I am the freaking primary caregiver for my aunt. I followed her out and said that simply wasn't true, that I am from out of state, and that I can only stay a week more at most, and that I came to help with my mother. I laid it all out that I am not certified to do hospice work, that they are to provide the full benefits she's entitled to. They had no qualms dumping this all on me. I told my sister today that if our parents remain delusional, I plan to get back on a plane and never come back. There are many solutions here and my parents refuse to entertain ANY of them, or pretend to, then change their mind. My mother and father can pass the cognitive tests but are physically dependent and my mother's emotional maturity is now that of a child most times. That is never taken into consideration by any 'well-meaning' social worker, doctor, elder-care lawyer, etc. |
Anonymous
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Many are terrible.
Unfortunately depending on where you live, teh state doesn't pay for full time care in home. A few states do, but most don't. Their only option is long term medicaid with a nursing home. You an apply for hospice yourself, but they provide more support than actual physical care. Sadly, there are not a lot of solutions beyond a nursing home if there is no money (or selling the house). |
Anonymous
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The problem is that you keep bailing them out. You show up while saying you can’t show up. Moving your parents is an incredibly difficult feat if they do not consent. But showing up means there is no crisis so the social workers have no power.
The problem is your parents, not the social worker. And secondarily, your unwillingness to allow a crisis to occur which would allow a social worker to actually step in, you and your family show up. Your expectations are out of whack. |
Anonymous
I showed up because my mother had a major heart attack and minor stroke. It was not known if she would survive when I was on the plane. Just showing up does NOT mean there is no crisis. You are delusional. Social workers are supposed to evaluate the situation realistically and realistically, I live 3000 miles away. They know that. They know I am not staying, therefore, crisis. Duh. |
Anonymous
They do pay for inpatient hospice. They assumed I was there to care for my aunt full-time - never asked if I lived there, if I came out very short-term, if I lived in the area, etc. It was assumed until I set them straight. THEN they mentioned the benefits she's entitled to. They were perfectly willing to slog it all off on me when I have NO power of attorney, NO health care proxy, NO medical training, etc. |
Anonymous
You don't need any of those things. Who is they? Medicare pays for hospice but inpatient is only for very short term stays if the hospice center has an inpatient home and very few do. Maybe you weren't clear. Or, maybe you don't understand what hospice is. |
Anonymous
| Home hospice only has staff in a few times a week for bathing and health checks. They do not provide 24/7 care so that may be why they assumed you were there. |
Anonymous
Ass-ume |
Anonymous
My aunt has end stage pancreatic cancer, maybe a few weeks left. She can hospice at home or in a facility, but only at home if someone is here as well as her. They assumed that was me. Ass-umed. No one asked. I could have been a neighbor. I could have been a niece who lived nearby. And I also could have been a niece who came here for another reason from 3000 miles away and was thrown into this situation. I have a VERY large family and am one of 32 nieces/nephews. No one is volunteering in shifts. I DO need those things if I want to protect MYSELF from a lawsuit, or God Forbid, some 'well meaning' social worker thinking I was her health care proxy and was supposed to be medicating her and wasn't and accuses me of elder abuse. I can't talk to her doctors so I have no FREAKING IDEA what she takes, how much and when. |
Anonymous
You don't sound like OP and sound very difficult. If you are the one stepping up, of course they assume its you. At that point, they just needed someone to handle tings. |
Anonymous
| Maybe PP is OP, but if no one is stepping up in a large family and you are there, what else should they do? |
Anonymous
| I think you aren’t getting it, OP. These aren’t just well-meaning words. The SW is trying to explain something to you. Your parents are adults, and they can make their own decisions about where to live and how to run their lives whether you agree with them or not. In fact, there is no other option. Medical professionals can’t force people to make better decisions about their health and finances. |
Anonymous
If they are competent nothing can be done. |
Anonymous
And if they aren’t competent, then what? OP is going to become their legal guardian? |
Anonymous
Your aunt probably told them that. The social worker would know that she lives alone, and it really makes no sense to assume that a random visitor is a full time caregiver. |