For those well-meaning social workers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you aren’t getting it, OP. These aren’t just well-meaning words. The SW is trying to explain something to you. Your parents are adults, and they can make their own decisions about where to live and how to run their lives whether you agree with them or not. In fact, there is no other option. Medical professionals can’t force people to make better decisions about their health and finances.

If they are competent nothing can be done.

And if they aren’t competent, then what? OP is going to become their legal guardian?

She could. We did it with a relative.

[Anonymous]

Social workers aren’t personal assistants. WTF did you expect? It’s not their job to force your parents to do anything. The blame here is seriously misplaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you aren’t getting it, OP. These aren’t just well-meaning words. The SW is trying to explain something to you. Your parents are adults, and they can make their own decisions about where to live and how to run their lives whether you agree with them or not. In fact, there is no other option. Medical professionals can’t force people to make better decisions about their health and finances.

+1. Social worker isn’t trying to solve your problems OP (they don’t have the power to do so anyway). They’re trying to help you come back to reality.

[Anonymous]

There isn't much "the system" can offer unless and until the parents are out of funds. That includes the house being sold. When things get to that stage the next step is to get them certified for Medicaid/Medicare and find a facility that will take them.

OP, seriously - you need to get some mental help for yourself STAT. Your anger and vitriol is beyond normal and can only be a horrible way for you to exist, not to mention those around you. Please reach out and get professional help.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's a very difficult position to be in. That's not the fault of anyone you are expressing frustration at in this thread.

The sad fact is that any time you are balancing competing interests, it never hits a perfect sweet spot. Something always suffers. In the US, when personal autonomy of elders conflicts with making sure they are taken care of, we (as a society) have decided to value autonomy, and that is reflected in our laws and regulations.

You do not have to come when you think someone is dying. If you do, everyone's hands are tied by laws and regulations unless the situation becomes quite dire -- so dire that there is real risk of permanent harm to the elder or even those they are putting in danger around them (fire risk, driving collisions, etc.).

And if you come, you will be dealing with people who are handling 30 such situations when they are really only set up to handle 3 at a time. that means miscommunications and assumptions and missed opportunities, but they can't just try harder and make it not happen. You know the old clip of Lucille Ball in the chocolate factory? That is daily life for social workers at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many are terrible.

Unfortunately depending on where you live, teh state doesn't pay for full time care in home. A few states do, but most don't. Their only option is long term medicaid with a nursing home.

You an apply for hospice yourself, but they provide more support than actual physical care.

Sadly, there are not a lot of solutions beyond a nursing home if there is no money (or selling the house).

They do pay for inpatient hospice. They assumed I was there to care for my aunt full-time - never asked if I lived there, if I came out very short-term, if I lived in the area, etc. It was assumed until I set them straight. THEN they mentioned the benefits she's entitled to. They were perfectly willing to slog it all off on me when I have NO power of attorney, NO health care proxy, NO medical training, etc.

You don't need any of those things. Who is they? Medicare pays for hospice but inpatient is only for very short term stays if the hospice center has an inpatient home and very few do. Maybe you weren't clear. Or, maybe you don't understand what hospice is.

My aunt has end stage pancreatic cancer, maybe a few weeks left. She can hospice at home or in a facility, but only at home if someone is here as well as her. They assumed that was me. Ass-umed. No one asked. I could have been a neighbor. I could have been a niece who lived nearby. And I also could have been a niece who came here for another reason from 3000 miles away and was thrown into this situation. I have a VERY large family and am one of 32 nieces/nephews. No one is volunteering in shifts. I DO need those things if I want to protect MYSELF from a lawsuit, or God Forbid, some 'well meaning' social worker thinking I was her health care proxy and was supposed to be medicating her and wasn't and accuses me of elder abuse. I can't talk to her doctors so I have no FREAKING IDEA what she takes, how much and when.

You don't sound like OP and sound very difficult. If you are the one stepping up, of course they assume its you. At that point, they just needed someone to handle tings.

I didn’t step up for full care and I physically can’t. I need to be with my mother who is coming home tomorrow. I can zip over a couple times per day, but I cannot sit in her home 24/7. The proper way to have handled this is to ASK. If I had not overheard the phone call, my aunt would have been shorted services she’s paid for all her life. And I am indeed. OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't much "the system" can offer unless and until the parents are out of funds. That includes the house being sold. When things get to that stage the next step is to get them certified for Medicaid/Medicare and find a facility that will take them.

OP, seriously - you need to get some mental help for yourself STAT. Your anger and vitriol is beyond normal and can only be a horrible way for you to exist, not to mention those around you. Please reach out and get professional help.

She is out of funds.

My mental health will immediately stabilize when I am out of this crap-show, which I plan to be in the very near future. I DID consult both a therapist AND a lawyer and both told me the problem is NOT me, it’s the system. Damn straight I’m angry - five years of this type of nonsense will do that. And everyone has their hand out as they drive themselves into the ground. There is NO way I’m destroying my husband’s retirement, which he’s worked hard for all his life, to accommodate stubborn elderly adults. End of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many are terrible.

Unfortunately depending on where you live, teh state doesn't pay for full time care in home. A few states do, but most don't. Their only option is long term medicaid with a nursing home.

You an apply for hospice yourself, but they provide more support than actual physical care.

Sadly, there are not a lot of solutions beyond a nursing home if there is no money (or selling the house).

They do pay for inpatient hospice. They assumed I was there to care for my aunt full-time - never asked if I lived there, if I came out very short-term, if I lived in the area, etc. It was assumed until I set them straight. THEN they mentioned the benefits she's entitled to. They were perfectly willing to slog it all off on me when I have NO power of attorney, NO health care proxy, NO medical training, etc.

Your aunt probably told them that. The social worker would know that she lives alone, and it really makes no sense to assume that a random visitor is a full time caregiver.

She said I was her niece. And the assumptions flew from there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you aren’t getting it, OP. These aren’t just well-meaning words. The SW is trying to explain something to you. Your parents are adults, and they can make their own decisions about where to live and how to run their lives whether you agree with them or not. In fact, there is no other option. Medical professionals can’t force people to make better decisions about their health and finances.

If they are competent nothing can be done.

And if they aren’t competent, then what? OP is going to become their legal guardian?

She could. We did it with a relative.

You CHOSE to do it AND it was determined the individuals could not care for themselves. No one here is helping with that, and trust me, I’ve tried for years, while my mother mishandled all the finances and put them into a huge amount of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you aren’t getting it, OP. These aren’t just well-meaning words. The SW is trying to explain something to you. Your parents are adults, and they can make their own decisions about where to live and how to run their lives whether you agree with them or not. In fact, there is no other option. Medical professionals can’t force people to make better decisions about their health and finances.

If they are competent nothing can be done.

And how competency is determined is tight by design. When the person’s situation totally collapses, THEN it’s determined but when I say totally I mean TOTALLY and horribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe PP is OP, but if no one is stepping up in a large family and you are there, what else should they do?

Not assume (a) I can give up everything to stay here full-time (b) ask proper questions (c) give her the services they are required to by law

[Anonymous]

I agree your aunt probably, unintentionally, indicated you would be providing care for her. Social workers & lots of medical workers often have surprisingly terrible communication skills. One probably asked your aunt if anyone would be around to help, not being clear 24/7 care, and she replied my niece will help. They just want to get her out and check a box.

Others are right, you & your sister need to let your parents hit bottom. Social workers can't force your parents to do anything. Basically the SW interactions with your parents are for them to feel they were heard & supported, not come up with actual solutions.

Elderly parents are like tantruming toddlers. Selfish, self-centered, lacking in empathy, difficult, insecure, scared, and incapable.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I don't get the vitriol towards you. You are in a difficult and stressful situation and of course you can't shut down your whole life to save unwilling adults. Your parents are reaping the harvest of years of poor decisions. You need a therapist or some other support to help you figure out what emotional and logistical support you are able to offer so you can spend the remaining time you have with them in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you keep bailing them out. You show up while saying you can’t show up. Moving your parents is an incredibly difficult feat if they do not consent. But showing up means there is no crisis so the social workers have no power.

The problem is your parents, not the social worker. And secondarily, your unwillingness to allow a crisis to occur which would allow a social worker to actually step in, you and your family show up. Your expectations are out of whack.

I showed up because my mother had a major heart attack and minor stroke. It was not known if she would survive when I was on the plane.

Just showing up does NOT mean there is no crisis. You are delusional. Social workers are supposed to evaluate the situation realistically and realistically, I live 3000 miles away. They know that. They know I am not staying, therefore, crisis. Duh.

You really sound like an awful person OP.
~social worker

[Anonymous]

I’m willing to help, OP. I work in the medical field. Ideally, what would you like to see happen?