Stay at home wife - no kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

I know many couples like this. They met when they were students, often in a professional graduate program. Both worked and when the kids started coming, they decided to have a stay-at-home parent to manage the home front. All of them are still married and happily looking forward their golden years.

This is not what the thread is about. You're talking about women who worked at first, but then stayed home to raise their kids. This thread is about women who get married (assuming in 20s or 30s), don't have kids, and just prefer not to work, but would rather spend their time taking care of the house, cooking, etc., and assuming no extenuating circumstances like a major health issue.

I think women who initially worked but then stayed home to raise their kids are in a different category. First of all, once the kids are grown, it's not as if it's easy to go back to the workforce in the job you left 18 years ago. They may not want a job just for the sake of just having a job... why would they want to flip burgers at McDonald's when they're at a point in their lives with they have significant savings and are very financially well off (albeit due to their DH's work)? I wonder if it were easier to get back in, if more women would choose to go back into their old careers?

I would!!!

OP I generally see what you’re saying. But isn’t it weird that for white women a mere 70 years ago, this was the societal expectation??? And now we look at women like that and think they’re lazy or entitled or have some mystery illness.

If your spouse is not resentful when you were a SAHW (for whatever reason) why would he be resentful if you are a SAHM? My DH has high expectations for our kids. He wants them to be healthy, happy, well socialized, high achieving, passionate, secure, connected, enriched, fulfilled, moral...and my one job is to make that happen. He is immensely grateful as to how our kids have turned out.

As for going back to work? A hard pass to that. First of all, it is WORK. It is taking away from the finite time I have on this Earth away from my family, myself, my relationships and my hobbies. Every single day, I am giving the best time of my day to someone else. And for what? I am basically selling something instead of making the Earth a better place. Why would I do that if I did not need the money. Also, US is not that great for working women and working moms. No, Thank You. There is a reason why women left the workplace in droves during the pandemic. Not worth it for me. Of course, this is only possible if you have the finances to swing this.

If you have no skills or capital to contribute to any organization, then I can see why you would take the path of least resistance and just stay home with your ‘hobbies’ even after your kids have flown the nest.

My skills and energy are for the betterment of my children and family first and foremost. I don't need the money so I don't work. I don't need the money so I can choose my pet causes and volunteer my time for that. I am better educated than most people I have met (yes, lots of college degrees and most of my college education has been through merit scholarship and through my employers. I truly feel that the fact that I have raised two great kids is the best work I have done. Most people work because they need to pay the bills. No one is working because they are Mother Teresa.

We aren't talking about people with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

I know many couples like this. They met when they were students, often in a professional graduate program. Both worked and when the kids started coming, they decided to have a stay-at-home parent to manage the home front. All of them are still married and happily looking forward their golden years.

This is not what the thread is about. You're talking about women who worked at first, but then stayed home to raise their kids. This thread is about women who get married (assuming in 20s or 30s), don't have kids, and just prefer not to work, but would rather spend their time taking care of the house, cooking, etc., and assuming no extenuating circumstances like a major health issue.

I think women who initially worked but then stayed home to raise their kids are in a different category. First of all, once the kids are grown, it's not as if it's easy to go back to the workforce in the job you left 18 years ago. They may not want a job just for the sake of just having a job... why would they want to flip burgers at McDonald's when they're at a point in their lives with they have significant savings and are very financially well off (albeit due to their DH's work)? I wonder if it were easier to get back in, if more women would choose to go back into their old careers?

I would!!!

OP I generally see what you’re saying. But isn’t it weird that for white women a mere 70 years ago, this was the societal expectation??? And now we look at women like that and think they’re lazy or entitled or have some mystery illness.

If your spouse is not resentful when you were a SAHW (for whatever reason) why would he be resentful if you are a SAHM? My DH has high expectations for our kids. He wants them to be healthy, happy, well socialized, high achieving, passionate, secure, connected, enriched, fulfilled, moral...and my one job is to make that happen. He is immensely grateful as to how our kids have turned out.

As for going back to work? A hard pass to that. First of all, it is WORK. It is taking away from the finite time I have on this Earth away from my family, myself, my relationships and my hobbies. Every single day, I am giving the best time of my day to someone else. And for what? I am basically selling something instead of making the Earth a better place. Why would I do that if I did not need the money. Also, US is not that great for working women and working moms. No, Thank You. There is a reason why women left the workplace in droves during the pandemic. Not worth it for me. Of course, this is only possible if you have the finances to swing this.

There is a LOT to unpack with your post, but do you think that women dropping out of the workforce will at all IMPROVE conditions for working women? By any measure, the workplace is shitty unless you’re a white guy in ownership/management - does that mean that only upper-tier white guys should be in the workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

I’m just curious how they can do it without one side feeling resentful.

I know many couples like this. They met when they were students, often in a professional graduate program. Both worked and when the kids started coming, they decided to have a stay-at-home parent to manage the home front. All of them are still married and happily looking forward their golden years.

This is not what the thread is about. You're talking about women who worked at first, but then stayed home to raise their kids. This thread is about women who get married (assuming in 20s or 30s), don't have kids, and just prefer not to work, but would rather spend their time taking care of the house, cooking, etc., and assuming no extenuating circumstances like a major health issue.

I think women who initially worked but then stayed home to raise their kids are in a different category. First of all, once the kids are grown, it's not as if it's easy to go back to the workforce in the job you left 18 years ago. They may not want a job just for the sake of just having a job... why would they want to flip burgers at McDonald's when they're at a point in their lives with they have significant savings and are very financially well off (albeit due to their DH's work)? I wonder if it were easier to get back in, if more women would choose to go back into their old careers?

I would!!!

OP I generally see what you’re saying. But isn’t it weird that for white women a mere 70 years ago, this was the societal expectation??? And now we look at women like that and think they’re lazy or entitled or have some mystery illness.

If your spouse is not resentful when you were a SAHW (for whatever reason) why would he be resentful if you are a SAHM? My DH has high expectations for our kids. He wants them to be healthy, happy, well socialized, high achieving, passionate, secure, connected, enriched, fulfilled, moral...and my one job is to make that happen. He is immensely grateful as to how our kids have turned out.

As for going back to work? A hard pass to that. First of all, it is WORK. It is taking away from the finite time I have on this Earth away from my family, myself, my relationships and my hobbies. Every single day, I am giving the best time of my day to someone else. And for what? I am basically selling something instead of making the Earth a better place. Why would I do that if I did not need the money. Also, US is not that great for working women and working moms. No, Thank You. There is a reason why women left the workplace in droves during the pandemic. Not worth it for me. Of course, this is only possible if you have the finances to swing this.

If you have no skills or capital to contribute to any organization, then I can see why you would take the path of least resistance and just stay home with your ‘hobbies’ even after your kids have flown the nest.

My skills and energy are for the betterment of my children and family first and foremost. I don't need the money so I don't work. I don't need the money so I can choose my pet causes and volunteer my time for that. I am better educated than most people I have met (yes, lots of college degrees and most of my college education has been through merit scholarship and through my employers. I truly feel that the fact that I have raised two great kids is the best work I have done. Most people work because they need to pay the bills. No one is working because they are Mother Teresa.

We aren't talking about people with kids.

To PP's point, people also work for a sense of purpose and professional identity. I'm sure even Mother Teresa felt good about her work and felt meaningful to her. All I'm saying is that work can be meaningful to people.

[Anonymous]

I honestly cannot respect a grown able-bodied person who could do something with their life and chooses not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people actually think they are superior because they work in an office, using their skills to help some ultra-wealthy person get even richer? I mean, who is smarter, the stay at home wife baking bread and reading novels or the Amazon corporate employee busting their ass to make 100K a year and enrich Bezos in the process?

The stay at home wife baking bread needs the corporate employee husband more than he needs her. With no kids, no alimony. She has no leg to stand on if they divorce.

The wife would receive half of whatever income they accrued while married too.

[Anonymous]

I kind of fall into this category. We have grown kids, but I know from the outside that it looks like I don’t work anymore. I have always wanted to write a novel and I finally took the time to do it. It took me almost three years. I just got picked up by an agent. I haven’t sold it yet and maybe I never will, but I completed a goal (finishing a novel) that I have wanted for a long time. I also haven’t told anyone outside my writing group what I’m doing because nothing is more insufferable that talking to a failed novelist.

You really don’t know what other people are up to.

[Anonymous]

Depending on how demanding the WOH spouses career is, this can be a really good way to live and an equal partnership. My years in biglaw convinced me that the only way to stay in a job like that and not lose your mind is to have a stay at home spouse. The person who stays home can manage the house, run all the errands, and, most importantly, manage the social obligations and family communications. Then the person who WOH can maintain their social connections and come home to a happy and calm house.

My DH did not want to stay home, so I left biglaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of fall into this category. We have grown kids, but I know from the outside that it looks like I don’t work anymore. I have always wanted to write a novel and I finally took the time to do it. It took me almost three years. I just got picked up by an agent. I haven’t sold it yet and maybe I never will, but I completed a goal (finishing a novel) that I have wanted for a long time. I also haven’t told anyone outside my writing group what I’m doing because nothing is more insufferable that talking to a failed novelist.

You really don’t know what other people are up to.

Well, at least you were working on something. Good on you for being picked up by an agent! Does your husband encourage your efforts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how demanding the WOH spouses career is, this can be a really good way to live and an equal partnership. My years in biglaw convinced me that the only way to stay in a job like that and not lose your mind is to have a stay at home spouse. The person who stays home can manage the house, run all the errands, and, most importantly, manage the social obligations and family communications. Then the person who WOH can maintain their social connections and come home to a happy and calm house.

My DH did not want to stay home, so I left biglaw.

So you got a JD and built a career only to stay home and run errands?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of fall into this category. We have grown kids, but I know from the outside that it looks like I don’t work anymore. I have always wanted to write a novel and I finally took the time to do it. It took me almost three years. I just got picked up by an agent. I haven’t sold it yet and maybe I never will, but I completed a goal (finishing a novel) that I have wanted for a long time. I also haven’t told anyone outside my writing group what I’m doing because nothing is more insufferable that talking to a failed novelist.

You really don’t know what other people are up to.

Truly, no one is talking about people who have kids, even grown kids. That's not what this thread is about. It's understood that it might be hard to reenter the workforce when you've been out for 20 years. We're talking about women who never had "raising kids" as a reason to leave the workforce in the first place.

[Anonymous]

There was a time when my wife didn’t work, it was about four months. It was the greatest four months ever, she basically took on the persona of 1950s housewife, the house was spotless, dinner hit the table at 6:45, she would change into something fancy and I was greeted at the door with a martini a few times.
It’s been like 17 years and I still remember how great it was. Jobs, kids and everything took off about a year after and we are like any other couple now, but if this stay at home wife wants to make beautifying someone’s world her job then I do not see what the crime is at all.
Participation in commerce is not a prerequisite for being a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s common in other countries. As long as it works for the couple, why do you care?

It’s common among the Arabs.

[Anonymous]

Doing ….
It’s the …. That is telling. You don’t know what she does and it could be different than you think so maybe mind your own business?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kind of fall into this category. We have grown kids, but I know from the outside that it looks like I don’t work anymore. I have always wanted to write a novel and I finally took the time to do it. It took me almost three years. I just got picked up by an agent. I haven’t sold it yet and maybe I never will, but I completed a goal (finishing a novel) that I have wanted for a long time. I also haven’t told anyone outside my writing group what I’m doing because nothing is more insufferable that talking to a failed novelist.

You really don’t know what other people are up to.

Truly, no one is talking about people who have kids, even grown kids. That's not what this thread is about. It's understood that it might be hard to reenter the workforce when you've been out for 20 years. We're talking about women who never had "raising kids" as a reason to leave the workforce in the first place.

But, I wasn’t a SAHM. I always worked when they were home. We had kids pretty young, so I’m not anywhere near retirement age. I just don’t work at a job that pays me money. I know that it looks from the outside like I just got tired and stopped working to lounge around and mooch off my husband. Since I’ve been home, I’ve realized that there is a whole world of “daytime people” who don’t work in a traditional sense and we see each other around during the day. I often wonder what their deal is and they probably wonder what my deal is, but there are lots of us just doing our thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of fall into this category. We have grown kids, but I know from the outside that it looks like I don’t work anymore. I have always wanted to write a novel and I finally took the time to do it. It took me almost three years. I just got picked up by an agent. I haven’t sold it yet and maybe I never will, but I completed a goal (finishing a novel) that I have wanted for a long time. I also haven’t told anyone outside my writing group what I’m doing because nothing is more insufferable that talking to a failed novelist.

You really don’t know what other people are up to.

I can see this. I know someone who masked her long hours of writing a novel from all but her closest friends. She would rather think she was a SAHM of school age kids than tell people she was hoping to become a published novelist. Congrats on finishing.