Busy as a mark of superiority

[Anonymous]

I'm a new-ish mom (my son just turned 1 last month) and I feel like over the last month I've been noticing more and more how moms seem to enjoy competing over busy-ness in subtle ways and I just need to sort of vent because there MUST be other moms that tire over this sort of thing. A little background on me is that I work a demanding corporate job, albeit the hours are like 8:30-5:30pm, so overall not bad. My husband works long hours, often doesn't get home til 10pm on weeknights and this past year has worked both weekend days (he's a lawyer). So personally, yeah, I'm "busy" since the childcare and house stuff falls on me to figure out. And yeah we hire help with cleaning and whatnot, and my son goes to daycare.

Recently on a group text with some girlfriends a friend (w/o kids) brought up a TV show she liked, I chimed in a couple others I'd been liking recently, and two of the moms on the chat just started going on and on about how little time they had for TV, how one of them completed a season of a show 3 years ago and "that's the last time I can remember have time for that sort of thing" and then started tying in how little books they'd read recently too.

Both are moms of two, who do not work outside of the home (stay-at-home-moms) - granted I know I just have one kid, but we're considering being "one and done," so I think I especially have felt sensitive to this busy-contest. I mean, kids go to bed, right? My downtime is usually when my son goes down, I do my chores, and then I relax. That's when I watch TV and unwind. Especially because of my husband's schedule, I have a few hours alone at the end of every night, too, to just sort of do whatever, and I often stay up to wait for him to get home so we can catch up on the day - that's when I watch TV.

I didn't respond to the group chat because I recognized it was a totally petty thing to be annoyed about, and to engage in, but it just got me thinking... why do people do this? And surely others relax at the end of the night once their kids are down? Or are we just pretending like we don't do that? Are other people doing hours and hours of chores once their kids go to sleep? I'm confused.

[Anonymous]

A lot of parents spend hours in the evening getting their kids to go to bed or have to stay with their kids until they fall asleep.
My kids just go to bed, so my evenings are free. But that isn't the case for everyone.

[Anonymous]

People around here love to compete on how busy they are. Most of the time, I am not sure if it's real or just poor planning.
You are probably like me, a super-organized working mom who knows how to get stuff done efficiently and make time for yourself. Others are not like this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone goes from not being a parent, to being a parent, without having to give up something. The time math doesn't work, parenting takes time. So, some people sleep less, and some people watch less TV, and some people go out with friends less, and some people work fewer hours, but everyone is doing less of something.

All I would read into this comment is that TV is what they gave up. Not that it makes them superior to you, you just presumably chose to give up something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both are moms of two, who do not work outside of the home (stay-at-home-moms) - granted I know I just have one kid, but we're considering being "one and done," so I think I especially have felt sensitive to this busy-contest.

FWIW, your example doesn't really show how they think they are superior to you, so it's possible that's in your head. Yes, people have the tendency of competing around busy-ness. But also some parents feel less able to take downtime for themselves, whether or not it appears to you that they have enough hours in the day. One of my kids was tougher than average, and it was draining in ways that weren't really logical. That said, people also have to find the right people to vent to. And if you (and your friend w/o kids) want to talk TV and books, they might not be the best audience right now.

[Anonymous]

Getting multiple kids fed, bathed and in their beds can be challenging to some families. Homework can also up the crazy. Do the SAHM friends also have outside help? Another thought, you might use TV to decompress in the evening, while others on on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of parents spend hours in the evening getting their kids to go to bed or have to stay with their kids until they fall asleep.
My kids just go to bed, so my evenings are free. But that isn't the case for everyone.

During those years, I read on my kindle while I stayed in their rooms. You don't have to just be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

The only reason to be insecure about being busy when you have a one year old is because other parents of one year olds are insane.

The only reason to be insecure about not being busy enough when they are older is because you subconsciously feel like your kids should be doing more.

I mean that is an oversimplification but I feel generally true. 1 year olds are not that much work, especially ONE one year old. But new moms don't really know that and there's now way to say that to you guys without someone being all 'what i'm not a REAL MOTHER because I only have a one year old?!' Which of course is not what anyone is saying. But really, kid should be going to bed at like 7:30 right? You should have your whole night. But some people have very difficult babies and a different experience and if you have a nice easy baby you are lucky and should not view that as a negative.

I do find that much like the weather, people talk about being tired and busy as small talk. To fill space. Because it isn't clearly bragging, and because it is a generally relatable feeling. It usually does not have anything to do with whoever you're talking to, its just a 'safe' topic. So don't take it personally.

I started feeling a bit guilty recently (I have a 6/4/2 year old) because the 6 and 4 year old want to do stuff and I'm saying no because I don't feel like adding more to my plate. But I have caved and put them in one activity each because that is really not fair to them. But nothing in a one year olds life is that important. At one, do what you want while you can because in a couple years your life will truly be dictated by their interests not yours.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a big difference between having one child who is one (and presumably naps 2+ hours, goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 7) versus having two kids slightly older who may no longer nap and need less sleep at night. Having 3+ hours to yourself at night and an additional 2+ hours during weekend nap time is a dream, especially if your husband is working and you don't also need to tend to his needs during those times. For some moms, they are woken up at 5:30/6 by one child and don't get a real break until the other one goes down at 8/8:30 (or later!) If they want to spend time with their husbands, there is no time in there to watch tv. I don't think it's seen as a mark of superiority at all, just how the day goes. Enjoy the time you have right now!

[Anonymous]

I have noticed that women that tout how busy they are with work, are actually making excuses for their perceived shortcomings as a parent. Some people would rather work than deal with their kids, but they can't admit it so they use too much work as an excuse. Fact.

[Anonymous]

OMG yes. Busy-ness seems to denote importance, so people want to tel me how busy they are. I let them and sympathize without explaining alll the ways in which I am busier because it’s not worth it - I just let them win. The worst is my retired mom (no pets) who tells me, a WOHM of three young kids and significant volunteer commitments, that I don’t understand how busy she is.

[Anonymous]

When I was a SAHM of a baby, I remember sometimes feeling like I was supposed to say how busy and exhausted I was to "prove" that I was working hard or something. I made a conscious choice to not do this, but it was hard because sometimes I'd hang out with friends who worked and they'd be talking about their jobs and it all sound very professional and important and it's hard to say "hmm, yes well we did start going to a music class in the park once a week, so now I have to be somewhere at a specific time I guess." There are of course hard things about being a SAHM to a baby, but they are often things like loneliness or feeling like you don't get enough adult conversation.

I think sometimes women have a hard to talking to each other about our lives if we have different issues. I know it's partly a competitive thing but I also think it's often just a failure of imagination. Like it's hard for married women to talk to single women sometimes without acting rude or superior, or dismissive of what's going on in a single woman's life. And vice versa! There is just often this imperative that you all have the same challenges at the same time so you can all complain about the same stuff. But wouldn't that be boring?

It's okay for your SAHM friends to complain about not feeling like they have the time or headspace to watch TV. And it's also fine for you to watch TV and not have that issue, and to complain about something like always having to handle all the house stuff and mealtimes with your kid because of your DH"s hours. It's always ok to complain a bit about the hard things in your life to your friends -- that's one of the things friends are for! But you need to be able to listen to someone else's hard thing without always having to compare it to your own life. It's okay if your friend is struggling with something that is easy for you at the moment. You don't have to feel guilty or somehow less than. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a SAHM of a baby, I remember sometimes feeling like I was supposed to say how busy and exhausted I was to "prove" that I was working hard or something. I made a conscious choice to not do this, but it was hard because sometimes I'd hang out with friends who worked and they'd be talking about their jobs and it all sound very professional and important and it's hard to say "hmm, yes well we did start going to a music class in the park once a week, so now I have to be somewhere at a specific time I guess." There are of course hard things about being a SAHM to a baby, but they are often things like loneliness or feeling like you don't get enough adult conversation.

I think sometimes women have a hard to talking to each other about our lives if we have different issues. I know it's partly a competitive thing but I also think it's often just a failure of imagination. Like it's hard for married women to talk to single women sometimes without acting rude or superior, or dismissive of what's going on in a single woman's life. And vice versa! There is just often this imperative that you all have the same challenges at the same time so you can all complain about the same stuff. But wouldn't that be boring?

It's okay for your SAHM friends to complain about not feeling like they have the time or headspace to watch TV. And it's also fine for you to watch TV and not have that issue, and to complain about something like always having to handle all the house stuff and mealtimes with your kid because of your DH"s hours. It's always ok to complain a bit about the hard things in your life to your friends -- that's one of the things friends are for! But you need to be able to listen to someone else's hard thing without always having to compare it to your own life. It's okay if your friend is struggling with something that is easy for you at the moment. You don't have to feel guilty or somehow less than. It's fine.

This is such a good way to phrase it!

And also, OP, I too had tons of time when I had one good sleeping 1yo. I now have a 2yo and a newborn and am realizing how much time I used to have, mostly because it's gone. I did not adequately prepare for this and I'm beginning to think my one-and-done friends might have had the right idea... (not really, I adore my baby, but I'm really tired right now)

[Anonymous]

What I hate about these posts is it keeps women fighting each other rather than going after the real problem - MEN. Men who work until 10pm and all weekend to avoid family responsibilities, men who dump everything on their wives so their wives and zero time to read a book, men who make their wives feel like they need to justify their existence by being “busy”.

[Anonymous]

It's a personality thing. Maybe they feel superior. Maybe they just like to say they're busy with things they think are more important than TV and books. On the flip side, you'll have the moms that say "I'm so bad, I just wanted to binge Real Housewives so I let my kids eat macaroni and cheese and have their iPads all day!"

Just ignore them. At some point they may complain about how busy they are and you can inwardly roll your eyes. Find friends who are more like you. It'll help you tolerate the more annoying moms.