Only offer to help your elderly neighbor if you mean it

[Anonymous]

My mother thought she had a "village" thanks to false offers from neighbors of "call me anytime if you need anything." After I fielded enough "emergency calls" from mom over the years and her rejecting moving to a more appropriate setting (home would need total reno for age in place), we were advised to step back more for our sanity and to stop enabling. I only respond to real emergencies. So mom started turning to all those friendly neighbors. Over the past few months, 2 have called me complaining. One assumed because I lived in the area, she would never be taken up on the offer. I advised them to stop offering and let her know they are not available. One complained at how unappreciative she is. Welcome to my world. I let her know about all the complaints gently and she insists I am making it up. So they are on their own to set boundaries. She is of sound mind and no professional has been able to convince her to move because she thinks between me and all those friendly neighbors and me she is fine. Right now, she only needs occasional hired help when recovering from procedures, and she scares them off too. Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother thought she had a "village" thanks to false offers from neighbors of "call me anytime if you need anything." After I fielded enough "emergency calls" from mom over the years and her rejecting moving to a more appropriate setting (home would need total reno for age in place), we were advised to step back more for our sanity and to stop enabling. I only respond to real emergencies. So mom started turning to all those friendly neighbors. Over the past few months, 2 have called me complaining. One assumed because I lived in the area, she would never be taken up on the offer. I advised them to stop offering and let her know they are not available. One complained at how unappreciative she is. Welcome to my world. I let her know about all the complaints gently and she insists I am making it up. So they are on their own to set boundaries. She is of sound mind and no professional has been able to convince her to move because she thinks between me and all those friendly neighbors and me she is fine. Right now, she only needs occasional hired help when recovering from procedures, and she scares them off too. Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

Sorry your mom is a pill.

[Anonymous]

You should take advantage of one of her “procedures” to place her in assisted living.

[Anonymous]

I have offered to help people and I really mean it. That said, there are times when someone has asked for help and I just can't make it work that day (DC or work conflict).

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but it really sounds like your mom is difficult. She may need to be an assisted-living and it might be something I really have to lobby for.

In general I agree that people shouldn’t offer to make plans or offer help and services if they don’t need it. That is a fact for everyone from babies to the elderly.

[Anonymous]

How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

[Anonymous]

My mom was exactly like this OP.

PSA: if you volunteer to help them neighbors, they will learn on you instead of their "ungrateful" child who is trying to help with a workable solution. Be very clear about what what you are able to help with.

[Anonymous]

BPD?

[Anonymous]

They probably helped her a few times, found her ungrateful, and then decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Also, in my experience, almost all kids way underestimate the actual amount of help their elderly parent needs. Consider if maybe that is why the neighbors are complaining - they are telling you that your mom really needs way more help.

[Anonymous]

Hah! Reminds me of the time a neighbor asked to "borrow my ladder." I brought it over and then he tells me he's afraid of heights and wants me to climb the ladder instead.

[Anonymous]

I think you're being too hard on the neighbors. Your mother sounds difficult above and beyond normal, and what she's asking of them is probably beyond what is socially acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably helped her a few times, found her ungrateful, and then decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Also, in my experience, almost all kids way underestimate the actual amount of help their elderly parent needs. Consider if maybe that is why the neighbors are complaining - they are telling you that your mom really needs way more help.

Amen to that! So many adult children have blinders on when it comes to their aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Displaced criticism. The may have meant it and some did help. they were never offering full-time on-call assistance. They aren't the problem, your mother is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Displaced criticism. The may have meant it and some did help. they were never offering full-time on-call assistance. They aren't the problem, your mother is.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hah! Reminds me of the time a neighbor asked to "borrow my ladder." I brought it over and then he tells me he's afraid of heights and wants me to climb the ladder instead.

Yep. That plus the ingratitude mentioned elsewhere. You need someone to take you to your weekly hair appointment? Sure! You want me to do it in the middle of the workday and to take you to do a bunch of errands on the way home? We'll need to talk, and by talk, I mean I'll tell you what I can manage in the months to come, and if that doesn't work for you, taxi time!