Only offer to help your elderly neighbor if you mean it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably helped her a few times, found her ungrateful, and then decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Also, in my experience, almost all kids way underestimate the actual amount of help their elderly parent needs. Consider if maybe that is why the neighbors are complaining - they are telling you that your mom really needs way more help.

OP. Believe me, I know she needs more help, which she can afford. I want her to go to AL. I don't want her bothering neighbors, but if they keep offering help I cannot somehow convince her they don't mean it.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked that there are so many elderly neighbors like mine! My neighbor wants us to bring groceries, stuff from Home Depot, etc. When we suggested she could order online, she said she is afraid of hackers on the internet, so she would rather have us shop for her. We have plenty of extra time and gas for that!

OP here I LOLed at this. Yes, mom refuses to order online too for the same reason. It's not a completely unreasonable fear, but you take the risk so you don't advantage of neighbors.

It's really not that funny when you look at it from an older person's perspective. The number one group of people targeted for scams are the elderly.

For many, computers and ordering on-line is something they simply may not have the skill sets for. Especially those who did not work with computers during their lifetimes or have tried, unsuccessfully, and did not know how to troubleshoot when things went awry. Add in the fact they may have some eyesight trouble, agility issues (with typing) and anxiety that they may make a wrong move while on-line and have their entire identity and income stolen from them.

If you have a neighbor who is relying on you too much I suggest researching some elder resources within your community who have people who are willing to do so. Provide the organizations and their phone numbers on a piece of paper and give to your neighbor. Simply tell them there are many caring people at these organizations who will shop, deliver food, provide rides, etc. Tell them you have a demanding and busy life and unfortunately won't be able to help them out as you have done in the past. Most of them have lived long enough to get the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably helped her a few times, found her ungrateful, and then decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Also, in my experience, almost all kids way underestimate the actual amount of help their elderly parent needs. Consider if maybe that is why the neighbors are complaining - they are telling you that your mom really needs way more help.

OP knows she needs more help. The elderly mom is refusing to move to an environment where she can receive that help because the elderly mother trusts / believes that her neighbor’s offers of help are sincere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is headed for this. She sincerely, sincerely believes that all the aging people in her area will band together to support one another with errands and caregiving-- and even financially! As if a bunch of broke people in rural New England passing the same $20 from hand to hand is going to make anyone less broke. And she thinks people slightly younger than her will take on the load, even though if that system existed she would be bearing the load right now. Total denial. It's very hard to deal with. We've had words about it and I think I'm going to have to just let the chips fall.

PP, interesting dilemma. What choices would you like your mom to make?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I understand you're taking out your anger and frustration on innocent people, but... really? You DO understand that people say this in conversation without meaning anything more than they'll pick up your newspaper once in a while, bring you a casserole or drive you to an appointment? But nothing long-term, obviously.

If your mother is deluded enough to believe she was getting built-in home aides, that's a sign of her reduced mental capacity, not some faux-pas by her neighbors.

[Anonymous]

TELL THE NEIGHBORS, instead of somehow blaming the entire world by posting on here.

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

TELL THE NEIGHBORS, instead of somehow blaming the entire world by posting on here.

Sheesh.

Read the post. neighbors were told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

OP, I don't think that your neighbors don't mean it. They do. But there is a limit to what busy working families can do for a needy senior.
Reasonable: Taking out trash and recycling once a week
Unreasonable: Driving her to weekly appointments
Reasonable: Shoveling her sidewalk after a snow
Unreasonable: Having the grass cut during the entire summer
I suspect your mom has forgotten what it is like to have demands on her time and doesn't think anything of requesting time-consuming assistance. She needs to be to be educated that when people say "call me anytime", it doesn't mean "call me anytime and expect me to drop everything to assist you for hours at a time".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

NP. Re-read the thread title. Let's start there.

[Anonymous]

Helpful neighbor here. I tell you that your mother needs more help than I can give as step one Step two is I and other neighbors call the police when your mother is doing things that aren't safe. So far the police have been very helpful. So clearly that is what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Helpful neighbor here. I tell you that your mother needs more help than I can give as step one Step two is I and other neighbors call the police when your mother is doing things that aren't safe. So far the police have been very helpful. So clearly that is what it takes.

Been there done that. Since you have too, you must know that as long as the person is cognitively fine, there is not much that can be done unless the person is caught in the act. Also there is only so much adult protective services can do. Now if the issue is driving, sometimes it takes multiple neighbor reports to the DMV to get them to act, so do it. One of those reports may be from the adult child and still nothing was done so the more the better. Do what you need to do because sometimes it takes many visits from, APS for the difficult parent to be willing to do anything. In my friends case the mom would not budge and there was nothing APS could do even with all the neighbors involved as well. Also, sometimes you can't even get them to comply with a cognitive evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

OP, I don't think that your neighbors don't mean it. They do. But there is a limit to what busy working families can do for a needy senior.
Reasonable: Taking out trash and recycling once a week
Unreasonable: Driving her to weekly appointments
Reasonable: Shoveling her sidewalk after a snow
Unreasonable: Having the grass cut during the entire summer
I suspect your mom has forgotten what it is like to have demands on her time and doesn't think anything of requesting time-consuming assistance. She needs to be to be educated that when people say "call me anytime", it doesn't mean "call me anytime and expect me to drop everything to assist you for hours at a time".

+1. Your mom’s neighbors meant it! But they meant help with big items, the lawn, the trash, keeping an eye out for her to make sure she’s ok, that sort of thing. We do this for our elderly widowed neighbor (and she never even says thank you, just expects it). No one can reasonably expect the neighbors to have full time, daily availability to help with everyday errands, chores, and appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

It's a PSA folks. My parents were just like this, and thought the nice neighbors would take care of them like live in paid help. Why? I have no idea.

So nice neighbors, be willing to set boundaries and tell the nice older lady next door you will bring her dinner once a month, or rake her yard in the fall. Be very specific, because that nice old lady is using you as an excuse to live unsafely, even though that is not your intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

It's a PSA folks. My parents were just like this, and thought the nice neighbors would take care of them like live in paid help. Why? I have no idea.

So nice neighbors, be willing to set boundaries and tell the nice older lady next door you will bring her dinner once a month, or rake her yard in the fall. Be very specific, because that nice old lady is using you as an excuse to live unsafely, even though that is not your intention.

This, so this. I had a friend who lived near an elderly lady in her building and they became friends. My friend often spoke fondly of helping her. Soon my friend started telling me how awful this woman's adult children and grandchildren were and how they never visited. I knew that was trouble because we have some toxic folks in my family. I told her to be careful, but she ignored me. Anyway she got really enmeshed with the woman and it turned into entitlement and tongue lashing. During the time the woman was still nice at Christmas she insisted on giving my friend a piece a ugly costume jewelry. Well fast forward not only did this lady tell of my friend when she set boundaries, but she accused her of stealing the ring even after my friend gladly gave it back.

It's fine to offer to help, just don't leave it open ended like "anytime" and don't expect the person to read between the lines. Make boundaries clear. If it's too much set those boundaries and be prepared that with some people no good deed goes unpunished. Communicate clearly and just be warned some people may see it as an excuse not to move to a more appropriate setting.