Only offer to help your elderly neighbor if you mean it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

It's a PSA folks. My parents were just like this, and thought the nice neighbors would take care of them like live in paid help. Why? I have no idea.

So nice neighbors, be willing to set boundaries and tell the nice older lady next door you will bring her dinner once a month, or rake her yard in the fall. Be very specific, because that nice old lady is using you as an excuse to live unsafely, even though that is not your intention.

This, so this. I had a friend who lived near an elderly lady in her building and they became friends. My friend often spoke fondly of helping her. Soon my friend started telling me how awful this woman's adult children and grandchildren were and how they never visited. I knew that was trouble because we have some toxic folks in my family. I told her to be careful, but she ignored me. Anyway she got really enmeshed with the woman and it turned into entitlement and tongue lashing. During the time the woman was still nice at Christmas she insisted on giving my friend a piece a ugly costume jewelry. Well fast forward not only did this lady tell of my friend when she set boundaries, but she accused her of stealing the ring even after my friend gladly gave it back.

It's fine to offer to help, just don't leave it open ended like "anytime" and don't expect the person to read between the lines. Make boundaries clear. If it's too much set those boundaries and be prepared that with some people no good deed goes unpunished. Communicate clearly and just be warned some people may see it as an excuse not to move to a more appropriate setting.

I'm sorry, but the blame here does not fall on the neighbors for not being specific enough. This is 100% the problem of the senior. This person does not want to move to AL and will use ANY excuse to demonstrate why she doesn't need to move. OP is frustrated with her mother and is placing blame where it doesn't belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far are you from your mom, OP? I think deciding not to enable her is one thing. Shifting your responsibilities onto her neighbors is another thing entirely! How dare you complain about what they are/are not doing for her? I'm sure in an actual emergency they would do whatever they could, but they have their own responsibilities to attend to. If you don't understand that, maybe you are more like your mother than you'd care to admit.

Re-read the OP. She isn’t complaining about the neighbors not helping. She’s encouraging them to set boundaries!

It's a PSA folks. My parents were just like this, and thought the nice neighbors would take care of them like live in paid help. Why? I have no idea.

So nice neighbors, be willing to set boundaries and tell the nice older lady next door you will bring her dinner once a month, or rake her yard in the fall. Be very specific, because that nice old lady is using you as an excuse to live unsafely, even though that is not your intention.

This, so this. I had a friend who lived near an elderly lady in her building and they became friends. My friend often spoke fondly of helping her. Soon my friend started telling me how awful this woman's adult children and grandchildren were and how they never visited. I knew that was trouble because we have some toxic folks in my family. I told her to be careful, but she ignored me. Anyway she got really enmeshed with the woman and it turned into entitlement and tongue lashing. During the time the woman was still nice at Christmas she insisted on giving my friend a piece a ugly costume jewelry. Well fast forward not only did this lady tell of my friend when she set boundaries, but she accused her of stealing the ring even after my friend gladly gave it back.

It's fine to offer to help, just don't leave it open ended like "anytime" and don't expect the person to read between the lines. Make boundaries clear. If it's too much set those boundaries and be prepared that with some people no good deed goes unpunished. Communicate clearly and just be warned some people may see it as an excuse not to move to a more appropriate setting.

I'm sorry, but the blame here does not fall on the neighbors for not being specific enough. This is 100% the problem of the senior. This person does not want to move to AL and will use ANY excuse to demonstrate why she doesn't need to move. OP is frustrated with her mother and is placing blame where it doesn't belong.

You don't make blanket offers of being willing to help anytime. If the person misinterprets you say you are not available and make it clear. It's not that hard. If you keep saying "no" you don't get your warm, fuzzy feeling the person learns you mean 'no." Quite a few people lose cognitive abilities with age even without dementia. You have to be very clear. This is a common problem where seniors think their neighbors will do anything for them so they insist even that their neighbors would be heartbroken if they moved. Cheer your neighbor on for having friends over and getting out to the senior center, but be very clear if you offer help exactly what you can do. If you make blanket statements expect people to interpret it word for word.

[Anonymous]

Damn, some people really have reading comprehension issues. OP is well aware that mom is difficult, y'all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn, some people really have reading comprehension issues. OP is well aware that mom is difficult, y'all.

Right? Look, the prose was a little confusing and the subject line is off base, but yes, the OP is not deluded about the mom.