Only offer to help your elderly neighbor if you mean it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother thought she had a "village" thanks to false offers from neighbors of "call me anytime if you need anything." After I fielded enough "emergency calls" from mom over the years and her rejecting moving to a more appropriate setting (home would need total reno for age in place), we were advised to step back more for our sanity and to stop enabling. I only respond to real emergencies. So mom started turning to all those friendly neighbors. Over the past few months, 2 have called me complaining. One assumed because I lived in the area, she would never be taken up on the offer. I advised them to stop offering and let her know they are not available. One complained at how unappreciative she is. Welcome to my world. I let her know about all the complaints gently and she insists I am making it up. So they are on their own to set boundaries. She is of sound mind and no professional has been able to convince her to move because she thinks between me and all those friendly neighbors and me she is fine. Right now, she only needs occasional hired help when recovering from procedures, and she scares them off too. Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

Some say that to be nice but, seriously, who has time for that?

[Anonymous]

Your title is misleading.

These neighbors have done nothing wrong: they offered to help, they meant it, they tried to help.

They are now setting boundaries, because she is manipulative, clingy, and cries wolf.

If you're going to write thread titles that are PSAs, here's my PSA to you: make sure your snotty little thread title reflects actual bad behavior by neighbors, not your mom.

[Anonymous]

My mom is headed for this. She sincerely, sincerely believes that all the aging people in her area will band together to support one another with errands and caregiving-- and even financially! As if a bunch of broke people in rural New England passing the same $20 from hand to hand is going to make anyone less broke. And she thinks people slightly younger than her will take on the load, even though if that system existed she would be bearing the load right now. Total denial. It's very hard to deal with. We've had words about it and I think I'm going to have to just let the chips fall.

[Anonymous]

One thing I struggle with is being expected to enable elderly people who have means but are unwilling to spend any money.

My dad is extremely cheap and will not pay for a taxi or an uber to take him to the airport. So every time he goes it turns into this big crisis of how he will get there. An Uber is $50 round trip. I’m not taking time off work or losing sleep to help my dad save $50 when he has plenty of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother thought she had a "village" thanks to false offers from neighbors of "call me anytime if you need anything." After I fielded enough "emergency calls" from mom over the years and her rejecting moving to a more appropriate setting (home would need total reno for age in place), we were advised to step back more for our sanity and to stop enabling. I only respond to real emergencies. So mom started turning to all those friendly neighbors. Over the past few months, 2 have called me complaining. One assumed because I lived in the area, she would never be taken up on the offer. I advised them to stop offering and let her know they are not available. One complained at how unappreciative she is. Welcome to my world. I let her know about all the complaints gently and she insists I am making it up. So they are on their own to set boundaries. She is of sound mind and no professional has been able to convince her to move because she thinks between me and all those friendly neighbors and me she is fine. Right now, she only needs occasional hired help when recovering from procedures, and she scares them off too. Some "sweet old ladies" like my mom just turn on fake charm, but will have no qualms about taking advantage of others and showing little appreciation. So please don't offer help unless you truly mean it. Be careful what you say because some people take "call me anytime" literally.

The next time she has a procedure that requires care, have her move "temporarily" and then try to extend that. She might find that she likes it.

[Anonymous]

How did the neighbors get your number?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your title is misleading.

These neighbors have done nothing wrong: they offered to help, they meant it, they tried to help.

They are now setting boundaries, because she is manipulative, clingy, and cries wolf.

If you're going to write thread titles that are PSAs, here's my PSA to you: make sure your snotty little thread title reflects actual bad behavior by neighbors, not your mom.

I'm not OP and that's not the way I read this, but I also had a mom like this.

It's a PSA to the neighbors that the "sweet little" old lady is using them to tell her kids she has tons of neighbors who will help keep her in her house, even though it's dangerous for her.

We know the neighbors are just being neighborly and nice, and have no idea they are pawns being used in the mom's game to stay at her house no matter whether it is safe or not. If you haven't had a mom who will stop at nothing to get her way, including abusing neighbors help to the point they are contacting you, you are lucky. Been there, have that tshirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your title is misleading.

These neighbors have done nothing wrong: they offered to help, they meant it, they tried to help.

They are now setting boundaries, because she is manipulative, clingy, and cries wolf.

If you're going to write thread titles that are PSAs, here's my PSA to you: make sure your snotty little thread title reflects actual bad behavior by neighbors, not your mom.

I'm not OP and that's not the way I read this, but I also had a mom like this.

It's a PSA to the neighbors that the "sweet little" old lady is using them to tell her kids she has tons of neighbors who will help keep her in her house, even though it's dangerous for her.

We know the neighbors are just being neighborly and nice, and have no idea they are pawns being used in the mom's game to stay at her house no matter whether it is safe or not. If you haven't had a mom who will stop at nothing to get her way, including abusing neighbors help to the point they are contacting you, you are lucky. Been there, have that tshirt.

I do think the title is misleading. It does come across as throwing shade at neighbors.

[Anonymous]

I may be your neighbor or at least she sounds like mine. My elderly neighbor has worn out our goodwill. For example in 2021, she refused to get vaxxed, got gravely ill and then called me to bring her everything from groceries to library books. I am not a spring chicken either and she expected me to risk my own health for her. She also 'borrows' stuff from us, tools, chairs, etc. way too much, then I have to keep track of things and follow up to get them back or asks my husband to use his tools to fix her house.

She really is kinda of a nasty, ungrateful person under her southern charm and 'church lady' facade. That's why it wears on us so much.

This is a neighbors perspective. I would always be there for her or any other neighbor in a true emergency - if they fell or needs a ride to the hospital, but the constant entitled demands wore us thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hah! Reminds me of the time a neighbor asked to "borrow my ladder." I brought it over and then he tells me he's afraid of heights and wants me to climb the ladder instead.

Yep. That plus the ingratitude mentioned elsewhere. You need someone to take you to your weekly hair appointment? Sure! You want me to do it in the middle of the workday and to take you to do a bunch of errands on the way home? We'll need to talk, and by talk, I mean I'll tell you what I can manage in the months to come, and if that doesn't work for you, taxi time!

I am shocked that there are so many elderly neighbors like mine! My neighbor wants us to bring groceries, stuff from Home Depot, etc. When we suggested she could order online, she said she is afraid of hackers on the internet, so she would rather have us shop for her. We have plenty of extra time and gas for that!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. The responses are helpful. They have my number because she gave it them just in case. For one it was the first time helping mom, the other it was the second. These were favors not requests for full-time care. Both neighbors had offered. I had not expected anything from them. However, their offers made her think she had this village and then as soon as she uses her village, they call me and complain. I get it, she does not give you the warm fuzzies that should come with volunteering. I tried to tell her to stop, but she doesn't believe me because they have given no indication to her there is an issue. So they need to set their own boundaries.

Sorry to hear there are lots of people like mom.

Re: pushing AL after a procedure. I had heard that. The problem is when you are of sound mind and willing to hire help at home, there is not much the hospital social worker can do even though people quit dealing with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hah! Reminds me of the time a neighbor asked to "borrow my ladder." I brought it over and then he tells me he's afraid of heights and wants me to climb the ladder instead.

Yep. That plus the ingratitude mentioned elsewhere. You need someone to take you to your weekly hair appointment? Sure! You want me to do it in the middle of the workday and to take you to do a bunch of errands on the way home? We'll need to talk, and by talk, I mean I'll tell you what I can manage in the months to come, and if that doesn't work for you, taxi time!

I am shocked that there are so many elderly neighbors like mine! My neighbor wants us to bring groceries, stuff from Home Depot, etc. When we suggested she could order online, she said she is afraid of hackers on the internet, so she would rather have us shop for her. We have plenty of extra time and gas for that!

OP here I LOLed at this. Yes, mom refuses to order online too for the same reason. It's not a completely unreasonable fear, but you take the risk so you don't advantage of neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be your neighbor or at least she sounds like mine. My elderly neighbor has worn out our goodwill. For example in 2021, she refused to get vaxxed, got gravely ill and then called me to bring her everything from groceries to library books. I am not a spring chicken either and she expected me to risk my own health for her. She also 'borrows' stuff from us, tools, chairs, etc. way too much, then I have to keep track of things and follow up to get them back or asks my husband to use his tools to fix her house.

She really is kinda of a nasty, ungrateful person under her southern charm and 'church lady' facade. That's why it wears on us so much.

This is a neighbors perspective. I would always be there for her or any other neighbor in a true emergency - if they fell or needs a ride to the hospital, but the constant entitled demands wore us thin.

OP here. Mom has fake charm too, but it can be pretty convincing because she showers people with compliments when in that mode. Yes, my mom expects me to risk my own health for hers. It sounds like your heart was in the right place and you got taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I struggle with is being expected to enable elderly people who have means but are unwilling to spend any money.

My dad is extremely cheap and will not pay for a taxi or an uber to take him to the airport. So every time he goes it turns into this big crisis of how he will get there. An Uber is $50 round trip. I’m not taking time off work or losing sleep to help my dad save $50 when he has plenty of money.

OP here. I totally relate. Years ago I did so many things to enable my mom to remain cheap and needy. She had endless money to spend to donate to charities to get her name on things and here I was doing menial tasks during my little bit of free time which she could have hired someone for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was exactly like this OP.

PSA: if you volunteer to help them neighbors, they will learn on you instead of their "ungrateful" child who is trying to help with a workable solution. Be very clear about what what you are able to help with.

OP here. Yes! I certainly don't want mom taking advantage of neighbors. Their offers made it so that she felt she was fine to age in place. If they don't set the boundaries I cannot magically stop her. Just tell her you are no longer available to help. She can afford to hire people for these tasks or live in a place where everything is already covered with monthly expenses.