If you had a somewhat absuive elderly parent and you were involved in their life through aging...

[Anonymous]

How did you work that out? What was your involvement? How did your level of involvement change over the years? My mother had plenty of decent qualities too, but with age the guilt trips, shaming, manipulations and anger issues have gotten much worse and the self-awareness, apologies, empathy and humor have eroded. Passes dementia screen. Did finally get her to meds and therapy, but never sticks with treatment. So I am not ready to just give up on her, but I need major boundaries. Also, I enjoyed many privileges growing up (College and grad school paid for and kept leftover investments, etc) so I do feel like I need to do what I can to be there, while protecting my sanity.

How did you manage it? She has plenty of money for the highest level of care and beyond. We have a social worker/case manager checking in and assessing need. I have made it clear I will NOT transport her when she can no longer drive because I can not drive safely as she insults me. I do not have health power of attorney because I don't agree with her decision to age in place in a home which is not set up for it (without a massive renovation) and we disagreed over end of life issues with my father. (I agreed with hospice's guidance emphasizing comfort, she cared more about keeping him alive as a vegetable with many wires attached). I do live the closest so I will be the one who is called with health emergencies. When she needs aides, I will not fill in if someone doesn't show up because I am prioritizing my own family, job, and mental health after years of catering to her with dad, I cannot be with her unless I can easily escape if she becomes combative. So I am not sure how that would work and the case manager assures me it never happens with the services she uses, even though it definitely happened with my dad and most everyone I know. I will visit her during any hospital or rehabilitation stays and again just leave if she becomes combative.

So for those who have been there, done that...how does this go? Any advice? What were the ups and downs? Siblings are not helpful and one makes things worse so that will be an added stress. Based on her family history, she will become increasingly abusive. She somehow worked it that she didn't do much, but having kept in touch with my aunt I learned just how bad things got with my grandparents except they at least went to residential early on so no issues with caregivers not showing up. I saw what the abuse did to my aunt which is why I have more boundaries despite mom's protest. In the end, aunt, uncle and mom stopped visiting my grandma for the last 5 or 6 years because she was that combative even medicated.

Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

I will tell you my situation although I don't know that it applies to you.

My father was difficult and somewhat abusive when I was growing up (very controlling, very disapproving and manipulative, some physical abuse). He now has alzheimer's and lives 1,000 miles away. We have a relative who lives close by who my dad was giving some $ monthly to help him out (taking him to appointments, responding to emergencies) until he needed more care. Then, we got full-time daytime care -- a saint of a lady who is also paid. So there are basically two people juggling my dad and it works better this way. My siblings and I rotate visits and give the team a few days off each time. (We each try to visit every 2-4 months for a few days at a time, often working remotely.)

[Anonymous]

There’s health care power of attorney, and then there is HIPAA. It makes sense that she does not want to give you health care power of attorney since you disagree so much on what she should do. But all of your siblings and you and aunt etc should have HIPAA. That allows you to talk to the doctor about her care. You don’t get to make decisions, but that way if she has an emergency they can talk to you. Try to see if she can sign that. It’s a simple form that lists all of your names.

Aging in place is generally the best option if you can afford it. The nursing home industry has done a great pr job convincing people otherwise. Most people can’t afford to age in place. 24-7 aides are too expensive. But if she can afford it, she is right to make thwt choice. Especially given covid. But you and your siblings need to drop by a lot. Even though you don’t like her, just drop by unexpectedly, even for twenty minute visits, as frequently as you can. It is good for the aides to know that you might show up anytime with no warning to them.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similarly combative and has been abusive my whole life. She could not afford round the clock care and was having frequent emergencies that had an impact on neighbors, my aunt and me. (I live 500 miles away.) I dealt with it by getting her into assisted living after a fall and rehab stay, and a diagnosis of dementia. It was unreasonable and unrealistic of her to decline care and then need people to drop everything and help her after every emergency. I also hired a geriatric care manager to help with day to day issues and make visits. It’s expensive and I pay for the majority of it. But it buys me sanity and peace of mind. I can only manage about two days of her nonstop verbal abuse before I lose my mind. So I never visit longer than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will tell you my situation although I don't know that it applies to you.

My father was difficult and somewhat abusive when I was growing up (very controlling, very disapproving and manipulative, some physical abuse). He now has alzheimer's and lives 1,000 miles away. We have a relative who lives close by who my dad was giving some $ monthly to help him out (taking him to appointments, responding to emergencies) until he needed more care. Then, we got full-time daytime care -- a saint of a lady who is also paid. So there are basically two people juggling my dad and it works better this way. My siblings and I rotate visits and give the team a few days off each time. (We each try to visit every 2-4 months for a few days at a time, often working remotely.)

This is helpful. Thank you. I am so glad you found that saintly lady!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s health care power of attorney, and then there is HIPAA. It makes sense that she does not want to give you health care power of attorney since you disagree so much on what she should do. But all of your siblings and you and aunt etc should have HIPAA. That allows you to talk to the doctor about her care. You don’t get to make decisions, but that way if she has an emergency they can talk to you. Try to see if she can sign that. It’s a simple form that lists all of your names.

Aging in place is generally the best option if you can afford it. The nursing home industry has done a great pr job convincing people otherwise. Most people can’t afford to age in place. 24-7 aides are too expensive. But if she can afford it, she is right to make thwt choice. Especially given covid. But you and your siblings need to drop by a lot. Even though you don’t like her, just drop by unexpectedly, even for twenty minute visits, as frequently as you can. It is good for the aides to know that you might show up anytime with no warning to them.

OP here. Between inlaws, grandparents and my dad (who was with my mom, but it was complicated and even with in home and out of home help she was exploding), my experience has been residential worked out much better, but I am not interested in debating that so much as in looking at my mother's specific situation. There will be no siblings dropping by a lot. She is abusive toward me so I need to do what I can handle and quickly leave when she is combative. Siblings do not live in the area and while enjoying the special treatment you get when you are the out of town adult child, as soon as she rages at them those visits will fall away. My aunt is dead. She had a series of health issues while my grandmother was still alive and she didn't outlive my grandmother by that many years.

The other issue is my mother will most likely be abusive to anyone in a caregiving role once she gets comfortable. So at this point I am more concerned about her not being able to keep staff because of her abusive behavior. No matter how much training you get, for the lousy pay it's easier to move on and find a nicer elderly person. We cannot force her to stay on meds, but we did find with MIL at AL it was easier to make sure she was medicated enough to be her pleasant self and not a zombie and enough so she could enjoy quality of life. We have experienced stealing with in-home care with my dad when mom was out and I know caregivers can become abusive, but to be honest I am not the person to even judge if my mother is being abused. I cannot verbally defend myself to her because she will play victim. I escape when she loses it. If an aide needs to escape to avoid yelling at her or worse, I am not running over the rescue.We want her to be safe, but the people hired to deal with her have rights too. Also, if my mother keeps following in the same fooststeps as her mother she will make accusations against me like my grandma to my aunt. Once that happens I will step away completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is similarly combative and has been abusive my whole life. She could not afford round the clock care and was having frequent emergencies that had an impact on neighbors, my aunt and me. (I live 500 miles away.) I dealt with it by getting her into assisted living after a fall and rehab stay, and a diagnosis of dementia. It was unreasonable and unrealistic of her to decline care and then need people to drop everything and help her after every emergency. I also hired a geriatric care manager to help with day to day issues and make visits. It’s expensive and I pay for the majority of it. But it buys me sanity and peace of mind. I can only manage about two days of her nonstop verbal abuse before I lose my mind. So I never visit longer than that.

OP here. Thank you. I really appreciate this and I am sorry your mom is combative too. I have heard after a fall is the best way to finally make it happen with AL or MC. Unfortunately, the SW|CM mom finally agreed on is part of an age in place practice. Not sure what happens if mom becomes abusive toward her and the woman quits. Then she will aging in place with no help. I m impressed you can handle 2 days of abuse. I leave as soon as it starts, but I live in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s health care power of attorney, and then there is HIPAA. It makes sense that she does not want to give you health care power of attorney since you disagree so much on what she should do. But all of your siblings and you and aunt etc should have HIPAA. That allows you to talk to the doctor about her care. You don’t get to make decisions, but that way if she has an emergency they can talk to you. Try to see if she can sign that. It’s a simple form that lists all of your names.

Aging in place is generally the best option if you can afford it. The nursing home industry has done a great pr job convincing people otherwise. Most people can’t afford to age in place. 24-7 aides are too expensive. But if she can afford it, she is right to make thwt choice. Especially given covid. But you and your siblings need to drop by a lot. Even though you don’t like her, just drop by unexpectedly, even for twenty minute visits, as frequently as you can. It is good for the aides to know that you might show up anytime with no warning to them.

OP here. Between inlaws, grandparents and my dad (who was with my mom, but it was complicated and even with in home and out of home help she was exploding), my experience has been residential worked out much better, but I am not interested in debating that so much as in looking at my mother's specific situation. There will be no siblings dropping by a lot. She is abusive toward me so I need to do what I can handle and quickly leave when she is combative. Siblings do not live in the area and while enjoying the special treatment you get when you are the out of town adult child, as soon as she rages at them those visits will fall away. My aunt is dead. She had a series of health issues while my grandmother was still alive and she didn't outlive my grandmother by that many years.

The other issue is my mother will most likely be abusive to anyone in a caregiving role once she gets comfortable. So at this point I am more concerned about her not being able to keep staff because of her abusive behavior. No matter how much training you get, for the lousy pay it's easier to move on and find a nicer elderly person. We cannot force her to stay on meds, but we did find with MIL at AL it was easier to make sure she was medicated enough to be her pleasant self and not a zombie and enough so she could enjoy quality of life. We have experienced stealing with in-home care with my dad when mom was out and I know caregivers can become abusive, but to be honest I am not the person to even judge if my mother is being abused. I cannot verbally defend myself to her because she will play victim. I escape when she loses it. If an aide needs to escape to avoid yelling at her or worse, I am not running over the rescue.We want her to be safe, but the people hired to deal with her have rights too. Also, if my mother keeps following in the same fooststeps as her mother she will make accusations against me like my grandma to my aunt. Once that happens I will step away completely.

OP again, I forgot to also mention she bruises easily and always has. (Not a disorder, she checked). If she ever had a mystery bruise it would be a big dilemma for me because I don't want to get someone fired unless I know there was abuse and with someone who is always playing victim it is hard to know what to believe.

[Anonymous]

My mom fell and refused to go to the ER, so I said I was going to call the police for a welfare check, because she was a danger to herself. She could not walk and felt that I should just stay there and carry her around. She did not want to have the police come, because the neighbors would see. Once we got her to the ER she never went home. So frustrating. So angry at any efforts we made to problem-solve as she aged.

[Anonymous]

My mom was not as combative as yours, OP. She was verbally abusive though and I lived close to her, so I was the default caregiver. There's an added layer of complication due language barrier, so I have to be there for every medical appointment to translate. I kept our interactions formal and professional. If she yelled at me in her oncologist's office b/c I was not sitting in the chair she pointed out to me, I shrugged it off and detached myself emotionally. We were able to hire a home aid who spoke the language. It was very expensive but worth it.

The hardest part was when death was near and I had all these unresolved feelings. I went to a grief counselor through the hospice care system and unburdened myself just hours before she died. Wish I had found a therapist long before that.

[Anonymous]

My mom was combative and abusive. Now she’s dying, and I gotta feel bad for avoiding her a lot because she drove me nuts.