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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There’s health care power of attorney, and then there is HIPAA. It makes sense that she does not want to give you health care power of attorney since you disagree so much on what she should do. But all of your siblings and you and aunt etc should have HIPAA. That allows you to talk to the doctor about her care. You don’t get to make decisions, but that way if she has an emergency they can talk to you. Try to see if she can sign that. It’s a simple form that lists all of your names.

Aging in place is generally the best option if you can afford it. The nursing home industry has done a great pr job convincing people otherwise. Most people can’t afford to age in place. 24-7 aides are too expensive. But if she can afford it, she is right to make thwt choice. Especially given covid. But you and your siblings need to drop by a lot. Even though you don’t like her, just drop by unexpectedly, even for twenty minute visits, as frequently as you can. It is good for the aides to know that you might show up anytime with no warning to them.[/quote]

OP here. Between inlaws, grandparents and my dad (who was with my mom, but it was complicated and even with in home and out of home help she was exploding), my experience has been residential worked out much better, but I am not interested in debating that so much as in looking at my mother's specific situation. There will be no siblings dropping by a lot. She is abusive toward me so I need to do what I can handle and quickly leave when she is combative. Siblings do not live in the area and while enjoying the special treatment you get when you are the out of town adult child, as soon as she rages at them those visits will fall away. My aunt is dead. She had a series of health issues while my grandmother was still alive and she didn't outlive my grandmother by that many years.

The other issue is my mother will most likely be abusive to anyone in a caregiving role once she gets comfortable. So at this point I am more concerned about her not being able to keep staff because of her abusive behavior. No matter how much training you get, for the lousy pay it's easier to move on and find a nicer elderly person. We cannot force her to stay on meds, but we did find with MIL at AL it was easier to make sure she was medicated enough to be her pleasant self and not a zombie and enough so she could enjoy quality of life.  We have experienced stealing with in-home care with my dad when mom was out and I know caregivers can become abusive, but to be honest I am not the person to even judge if my mother is being abused. I cannot verbally defend myself to her because she will play victim. I escape when she loses it. If an aide needs to escape to avoid yelling at her or worse, I am not running over the rescue.We want her to be safe, but the people hired to deal with her have rights too. Also, if my mother keeps following in the same fooststeps as her mother she will make accusations against me like my grandma to my aunt. Once that happens I will step away completely. [/quote]

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