Reply to If you had a somewhat absuive elderly parent and you were involved in their life through aging...

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "If you had a somewhat absuive elderly parent and you were involved in their life through aging..."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]How did you work that out? What was your involvement? How did your level of involvement change over the years? My mother had plenty of decent qualities too, but with age the guilt trips, shaming, manipulations and anger issues have gotten much worse and the self-awareness, apologies, empathy and humor have eroded. Passes dementia screen. Did finally get her to meds and therapy, but never sticks with treatment. So I am not ready to just give up on her, but I need major boundaries. Also, I enjoyed many privileges growing up (College and grad school paid for and kept leftover investments, etc) so I do feel like I need to do what I can to be there, while protecting my sanity.

How did you manage it? She has plenty of money for the highest level of care and beyond. We have a social worker/case manager checking in and assessing need. I have made it clear I will NOT transport her when she can no longer drive because I can not drive safely as she insults me. I do not have health power of attorney because I don't agree with her decision to age in place in a home which is not set up for it (without a massive renovation) and we disagreed over end of life issues with my father. (I agreed with hospice's guidance emphasizing comfort, she cared more about keeping him alive as a vegetable with many wires attached). I do live the closest so I will be the one who is called with health emergencies. When she needs aides, I will not fill in if someone doesn't show up because I am prioritizing my own family, job, and mental health after years of catering to her with dad, I cannot be with her unless I can easily escape if she becomes combative. So I am not sure how that would work and the case manager assures me it never happens with the services she uses, even though it definitely happened with my dad and most everyone I know. I will visit her during any hospital or rehabilitation stays and again just leave if she becomes combative.

So for those who have been there, done that...how does this go? Any advice? What were the ups and downs? Siblings are not helpful and one makes things worse so that will be an added stress. Based on her family history, she will become increasingly abusive. She somehow worked it that she didn't do much, but having kept in touch with my aunt I learned just how bad things got with my grandparents except they at least went to residential early on so no issues with caregivers not showing up. I saw what the abuse did to my aunt which is why I have more boundaries despite mom's protest. In the end, aunt, uncle and mom stopped visiting my grandma for the last 5 or 6 years because she was that combative even medicated.

Thanks in advance![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics