DH has never negotiated a salary

[Anonymous]

He is 41 and has always accepted whatever employers pay. Of course as a result, he’s woefully underpaid and overworked. We live in DC and he earns less than $70K, which is less than he earned 10+ years ago even before you consider inflation. We have children. I earn more than 2x what he does because I’m willing to advocate for myself, so it bothers me that he never tried to do the same. I WFH and he’s in an office, so childcare defaults to me. He even works on Saturdays sometimes. I don’t want to be rich (ok yes that would be nice) but I would like to retire and pay for college.

I put this in the relationship forum because for the past couple of years, he swears he’ll talk to his boss about his salary, or he swears that he’s job searching. But he’s not. Last week he told me that he set up a meeting with his boss to discuss. Today he told me he’ll set up a meeting with his boss. What about last week’s meeting? Oh that? That didn’t happen. It was never scheduled. He’s yanking my leg.

I can’t do anything to change this, can I? I can’t make him realize that life and children are expensive?. And when I try to step up at work, sadly he “forgets” responsibilities like daycare pickup so I am scrambling to cover for him and his crappy employer. Vent over.

[Anonymous]

Hey, if you’re so in love with money, you go make money.

[Anonymous]

Get someone to negotiate on his behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, if you’re so in love with money, you go make money.

She is making the money. You should learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, if you’re so in love with money, you go make money.

NP- can you read? She is trying but he doesn't pick up the slack if she tries to lean in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 41 and has always accepted whatever employers pay. Of course as a result, he’s woefully underpaid and overworked. We live in DC and he earns less than $70K, which is less than he earned 10+ years ago even before you consider inflation. We have children. I earn more than 2x what he does because I’m willing to advocate for myself, so it bothers me that he never tried to do the same. I WFH and he’s in an office, so childcare defaults to me. He even works on Saturdays sometimes. I don’t want to be rich (ok yes that would be nice) but I would like to retire and pay for college.

I put this in the relationship forum because for the past couple of years, he swears he’ll talk to his boss about his salary, or he swears that he’s job searching. But he’s not. Last week he told me that he set up a meeting with his boss to discuss. Today he told me he’ll set up a meeting with his boss. What about last week’s meeting? Oh that? That didn’t happen. It was never scheduled. He’s yanking my leg.

I can’t do anything to change this, can I? I can’t make him realize that life and children are expensive?. And when I try to step up at work, sadly he “forgets” responsibilities like daycare pickup so I am scrambling to cover for him and his crappy employer. Vent over.

How do you know he didn't set up the meeting?
Maybe his boss blew him off.

You claim you don't want money but you your household income is 6 figures.

Maybe budget better.

[Anonymous]

If you can't save for college and retirement on $210K HHI you're doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

He could become a sahd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 41 and has always accepted whatever employers pay. Of course as a result, he’s woefully underpaid and overworked. We live in DC and he earns less than $70K, which is less than he earned 10+ years ago even before you consider inflation. We have children. I earn more than 2x what he does because I’m willing to advocate for myself, so it bothers me that he never tried to do the same. I WFH and he’s in an office, so childcare defaults to me. He even works on Saturdays sometimes. I don’t want to be rich (ok yes that would be nice) but I would like to retire and pay for college.

I put this in the relationship forum because for the past couple of years, he swears he’ll talk to his boss about his salary, or he swears that he’s job searching. But he’s not. Last week he told me that he set up a meeting with his boss to discuss. Today he told me he’ll set up a meeting with his boss. What about last week’s meeting? Oh that? That didn’t happen. It was never scheduled. He’s yanking my leg.

I can’t do anything to change this, can I? I can’t make him realize that life and children are expensive?. And when I try to step up at work, sadly he “forgets” responsibilities like daycare pickup so I am scrambling to cover for him and his crappy employer. Vent over.

This is kind of a tough one.

I think you are approaching this from the wrong side - your husband has no motivation to make more money. Or at least that's how it seems.

I say therapy or if you want no cost therapy, here it is: you need to agree on what your long term goals are and then understand that your current situation is not going to allow you to reach them. He needs to understand and acknowledge this.

Basically, you are subsidizing his in-person, crap for pay job based on the hope that he's going to earn more, and if I'm being frank, the ingrained sexism that the man should be the primary breadwinner. He's working SATURDAYS while you're on call for childcare 100%. Oh, HeL! no.

If you WFH, you could move to a much lower cost of living area and maybe he gets a part-time job and becomes a SAHD.

Time to come to Jesus.

[Anonymous]

I emphasize with you. I’m not sure there is a happy ending here for you. This will likely not change, and you’ll have to figure out how to live with it. Or not.

I am in your situation somewhat, and for me as my income has gone up I care less, but that is because a) I love my job and b) my DH does a lot around the house. Kids are in bed right now at 7:10, I am laying in bed and he is doing dishes, as an example.

[Anonymous]

What kind of work does he do?

[Anonymous]

I'll echo a prior poster and take a guess that if he took more off your plate you wouldn't mind his lack of ambition so much.
So maybe the approach isn't for him to make more money necessarily, but to outline his responsibility and do his share - if that means finding extra money for outsourcing, so be it.
I'm sure that his working Saturdays also negatively affects your closeness and time as a family, and you can bring up that aspect of his job. If he looks for another job in this market he might get a pay bump and better work life balance, without having to negotiate or do much high pressure self-advocacy beyond a resume and competent interviewing?

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. I have been the breadwinner and the WFH default parent for a long time. Recently I told DH that I wanted to break out of my rut* and take a bigger job, but to do that he would need to be WFH or be flexible around school hours. He agreed. I just got my "big" job offer today and we hope he'll hear about his WFH job next week. To be continued ...

*This is sort of true. I was in a rut, but if he had a bigger job I would have stayed in my family friendly job.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never asked for a raise. Same job 20 years. Make mid 6 figures now. About 7 times what I started from. Must have gotten lucky working for good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of work does he do?

+1