DH has never negotiated a salary
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Anonymous
| That salary sounds low for his age. Is it a professional job? |
Anonymous
Yeah yeah we know 70k isn't normal dcum money at 41  We're not all living the mitt romney life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCRwi71_ns |
Anonymous
| Dump the husband, add a nanny. |
Anonymous
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If he’s 41 he won’t get much alimony snd child support is still under a formula fir your income level. If it’s really unbearable you can divorce
If you want to work on your career - ask him to take on ALL responsibilities at home. I’ve known families like that with SAHD and they are happy |
Anonymous
| Let him practice the salary discussion with you. Listen and provide feedback. Boost confidence. |
Anonymous
What’s funny is how close to the original premise that was. |
Anonymous
|
Op here. He’s never cared about money, in my theory, because he grew up with enough. His mom never worked and he had a nice UMC-private school-European trips upbringing.
I grew up in poverty with a single mother. I fear being poor and cold and housing insecure because that was my childhood. I chose a passionless yet decently paid career and do not at all love what I do, but it pays the bills. What does he do? Do-gooder, nonprofit work. He wants to make the world a better place! He’s a good person, which is what attracted me to him. When we married, we (I?) went in with the mindset of equals—we split chores and bills and earned similar salaries. Then we had a child and all sense of equality flew out the window. He continued doing his pre-child share of duties and took a lower paying job (to make a bigger difference!) and I took a higher paying job (to pay for the child!) and now several years have passed and my resentment has grown in proportion to his shrinking salary. He should have married a nice trust-funder. I don’t want a SAHD as a partner, plus I don’t think he’s cut out for it. When he’s in charge, things fall through the cracks. Half days are forgotten, homework is undone, and (as awful as this sounds) he’s a terrible cook. I sound greedy and selfish. I worry a lot about whether we’ll have enough and I’m upset that my worries can’t be shared or alleviated with him. |
Anonymous
You’re not greedy and selfish. You’re doing 2 full time jobs, one paid (your real job) and one unpaid (being a mum). Unless your husband has family money or a trust helping out with living expenses, he’s a freeloader taking advantage of your background/psychology, knowing that you’ll do everything while he doddles around and gets the benefits of being seen as a do-gooder family man by outsiders. I get and agree with you on not wanting a SAHD. He’s not a partner, he’s like another child you have to care for. |
Anonymous
| 70k is low income in DC! That salary alone with kids qualifies you for affordable housing |
Anonymous
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I'm a PP.
I would also feel resentful in your situation. There's also a question of priorities - "making a difference" is great, but ultimately being such a do-gooder that you are sacrificing your family is not right, although I don't think he thinks of it that way. I continue to think that the two -home insufficiency and work situation - should be viewed as separate issues. His deficiencies at home, which sound consistent with a person who tends towards disorganization and distraction AND has no practice because everyone does these tasks for him. And that has to be managed through practice and development of skills. With patience, kindness, reminders, reinforcement, slowly increasing his responsibility. Especially if his bad cooking is due to forgetting it on the stove and burning it. His work situation.... I think there are two issues there too. One is his time, and what he prioritizes, and one is the money, which are maybe two conversations you should have? If you have true financial issues, a lot of debt or not enough savings or problematic spending.... That can be addressed together. And also own how much is your money anxiety due to upbringing vs grave money issues? And then there's the unavailability and taking on extra work for no extra money at the expense of the family. Relatedly, you might like this blog post about class differences in married couples, which may or may not resonate with you, but it did with me because I have elements of the class difference issue in my marriage, though very differently than you (for me it's about who thinks who is kind of spoiled): https://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/10/01/class-differences-marriage/ |
Anonymous
| You have to change jobs (get a new job at a different company) to achieve a meaningful (i.e., 20-25 percent or more) raise. |
Anonymous
| He should daddy-track and let you focus on your more lucrative career. |
Anonymous
$70k is more than median individual income for this area. |
Anonymous
I don’t think it is for someone well-educated like he is. He’s in his peak earning years. He’s not making enough to provide his kids with the upbringing he got, with private schools and presumably paid-for college. Salaries in the non-profit sector are typically lower than they would be in the private sector. He’s doing a passion job, but the people making the sacrifice for him to do that are his wife and kids. I don’t know how you can make him see that, op. Have you looked at your college savings and what you’ll be able to give to your kids when the time comes? Maybe that would help him see the light? I track all our finances on personalcapital.com, and they have calculators that help you see how well you’re doing on your savings goals and can help you figure out how much you’ll need for college and retirement. |
Anonymous
| OMG you again? How many times can you post about this? |