Is it a phase? Elder LGBTQ – post your thoughts please

[Anonymous]

Taking this from the teen/tween forum over here. There have been a lot of posts on that forum throughout the years that their child (esp. girls it seems) have come out as LGBTQ. Most of the comments have suggested that it is “just a phase.” That with social media kids are exploring sexuality earlier and feel like they must identify as something, that LGBTQ is all over TikTok, etc... All I can tell you is that my DD seems to have a disproportionate amount of LGBTQ friends, like 50%. I want to hear from real, live LGBTQ folks what they think (yes, I say “real, live” very cheekily.) I do want to know your thoughts; do you think that this is great – kids feel free and there is way more of us "out" now as it is so much more accepeted now. Or do you think social media plays way too heavy a hand, and that this is, in fact, trendy.

PS I also use the term “elder” in subject cheekily too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking this from the teen/tween forum over here. There have been a lot of posts on that forum throughout the years that their child (esp. girls it seems) have come out as LGBTQ. Most of the comments have suggested that it is “just a phase.” That with social media kids are exploring sexuality earlier and feel like they must identify as something, that LGBTQ is all over TikTok, etc... All I can tell you is that my DD seems to have a disproportionate amount of LGBTQ friends, like 50%. I want to hear from real, live LGBTQ folks what they think (yes, I say “real, live” very cheekily.) I do want to know your thoughts; do you think that this is great – kids feel free and there is way more of us "out" now as it is so much more accepeted now. Or do you think social media plays way too heavy a hand, and that this is, in fact, trendy.

PS I also use the term “elder” in subject cheekily too.

I don't know if 41 counts as elder, but both looking back at my own teen years and looking at my own peers today, the answer is resolutely social media and cultural pressures pushing kids to make up their own identities, which is exacerbated by enabling adults. LGBT is "cool" and any kind of oppressed label is cool, so kids are latching on to the only oppressed status they can find, which is to make up a sexual identity for themselves and latch onto the LGBT whatever alphabet.

Human bodies have not changed in the last 25 years. Most of the kids will outgrow it because it's hard to fight biology no matter what some want to think, but a few will be damaged by it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds, OP, like you are thinking of straight or cis vs LGBTQ as very set categories with firm boundaries, and teens and young adults need to figure out their correct category and step in the box. I would say that all of those categories are very blurry and they can also change throughout a person's life. Most people are not exclusively straight and many people don't feel like they fit into a strict binary. So it makes sense to me that if there is no or little social sanction, people will experiment with different identities.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just being a little snarky with the term "elder" - and 41 is not old - I am older! I just wanted to know the older LGBTQ opinions and thoughts on the younger LGBTQ (under 22-ish) age. The age basically that grew up with TikTok and rainbow pride products everywhere. What influence, good or bad, has it had?

Like I said there is a lot of talk about this on the tween/teen forum. Just wanted another perspective.

[Anonymous]

42 y/o here. I think the biggest difference is in terms of fluidity and acceptability -- "kids these days" don't always see it as a life-changing, soul-rocking, earth-shattering moment when they come out -- how dating a same sex partner labels and others you instantly.

I'm actually more curious what will happen in the next 20-30 years when these kids become the "elders". How will permanent partnerships change? What will marriage ratios (same gender couples vs. opposite gender couples) look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:42 y/o here. I think the biggest difference is in terms of fluidity and acceptability -- "kids these days" don't always see it as a life-changing, soul-rocking, earth-shattering moment when they come out -- how dating a same sex partner labels and others you instantly.

I'm actually more curious what will happen in the next 20-30 years when these kids become the "elders". How will permanent partnerships change? What will marriage ratios (same gender couples vs. opposite gender couples) look like?

This is very true. I see a lot of young people coming out and because of the numbers, people claim that it's some sort of fad. Maybe some kids are doing it for attention but let's be honest, you can't base how many LGBTQ kids "should" exist in a given population on how many kids came out in the 80's or 90's. Those were very different times.

[Anonymous]

I wish the acceptance and frankly awareness we have today was around when I was a kid. It took me until I was in my 30s, married, with a kid to come out fully even though I had tried to in my teens and faced massive internal and external homophobia that drove me back into the closet.

Kids will be who they are. There is no risk to them exploring their identities (well no more risk than hetero relationships, just make sure they understand all aspects of safe sex).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish the acceptance and frankly awareness we have today was around when I was a kid. It took me until I was in my 30s, married, with a kid to come out fully even though I had tried to in my teens and faced massive internal and external homophobia that drove me back into the closet.

Kids will be who they are. There is no risk to them exploring their identities (well no more risk than hetero relationships, just make sure they understand all aspects of safe sex).

+1 to thinking the modern acceptance is good

I will also add that my friend group in middle school was a bunch of “straight” kids and the only proudly out bisexual in the school. In high school, half of us were bisexual or lesbian. As adults, I think every one of us currently or at some point in life has identified as some kind of LGBTQ+. Were we just the queer kids gravitating together before we even realized it? Possibly. But life would have been so much easier if kids were as tolerant as they are today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish the acceptance and frankly awareness we have today was around when I was a kid. It took me until I was in my 30s, married, with a kid to come out fully even though I had tried to in my teens and faced massive internal and external homophobia that drove me back into the closet.

Kids will be who they are. There is no risk to them exploring their identities (well no more risk than hetero relationships, just make sure they understand all aspects of safe sex).

Agreed. I can't believe that some of these cishets boomers still think that people can be "turned gay" or "turned trans" by peers or twitter or something. You are the perfect example, living as a heterosexual woman, married with a kid. You couldn't be "made straight" and straight people can't be "made gay". Most people understand this but it seems like there are some of (shall we say) and older generation that still doesn't understand. Or if they do understand they just want to hate people that are different.

I too wish it was like this when I was a teen in the 90's. My life would have been very different.

[Anonymous]

Not LGBTQ but I am 54.

There are 5 gay married couples on my DC block, all >50 y.o. Two are in their 70s. I am close friends with the 70/60 yr old married couple.

None of these people identify as trans, even though it's clearly safe for them to do so now in 2022. All are "gay" or "lesbian." I asked the same question as OP of my 70 yr old gay friend, who has a bazillion gay friends across the US and has been out for 50 years. His answer: he doesn't know a single person in his peer group who identifies as trans. They're gay, or lesbian, or heterosexual. Nobody is bi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not LGBTQ but I am 54.

There are 5 gay married couples on my DC block, all >50 y.o. Two are in their 70s. I am close friends with the 70/60 yr old married couple.

None of these people identify as trans, even though it's clearly safe for them to do so now in 2022. All are "gay" or "lesbian." I asked the same question as OP of my 70 yr old gay friend, who has a bazillion gay friends across the US and has been out for 50 years. His answer: he doesn't know a single person in his peer group who identifies as trans. They're gay, or lesbian, or heterosexual. Nobody is bi.

Being trans is very rare. Like, extremely rare. It's weird that people have become so obsessed with transgender people. Even your post is strange. Like, why even single out trans people in this way? This thread wasn't specifically trans related.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t you heard of the Kinsey scale? Most people are not binary. That’s from the 50s.

[Anonymous]

I am breaking my habit of never, ever posting in these threads. Your question sounds sincere.
I noticed that you specifically asked for opinions from elder (ha!) LGBTQ+ identified people, and immediately got feedback from people who do not identify as LGBTQ+. (Side note...why do people do this? As RuPaul would say, "reading is fundamental")

I am a 42 year old queer cisgender woman, and I have been out since age 20.

I want to talk about some underlying assumptions first. I love being a queer person. Being queer is the greatest blessing of my life. I would never want to be heterosexual. Not in a million years and not for a million dollars.

It's difficult for me to not see some underlying bias about the pearl-clutching about LGBTQ+ identities being "trendy". Why do you care? Why does it matter to you whether a teenager identifies a certain way? Why does it matter to you whether that identification is fixed or may change over time?

If your worry is about safety...how about working on making communities safer for LGBTQ+ people? We could really, really use your help.
If your worry is about interpersonal safety...how about making sure that your kid has access to information about safe, consensual, healthy relationships and sexuality? (Scarleteen is a great resource.)

Personally, I think every single person would benefit from self-reflection about their gender identity and sexual orientation. One of the things that I love about queer culture is how it encourages self-awareness. Heterosexual people could learn from us! Don't be afraid of having your teenage child learn about queer culture.

Also, final thought...there aren't more queer people than there used to be. Trust me. A lot of the women you know as "heterosexual" (or a Kinsey 0) are more like a Kinsey 2-4. How do I know? All they need is a glass of wine and then they won't stop talking about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Glad you broke your no-posting rule 😊
As LGBTQ aligned as I am, I’m not going to lie – it hits different when it’s your own kid. I’m not coming here hoping that someone on this forum will say “it’s a phase” or “omg there is rainbow stuff everywhere making our kids gay.” I’m simply bringing this over to a different forum for a another, probably better, perspective.

[Anonymous]

IMO things are mostly better now than when I was growing up in the 90s. That kids are more accepting now is great.

What I find potentially not great or healthy is so much focus on gender identity. I am an older lesbian and I meet all kids of queer people in social groups, old and young.
I find it sad so many are medically transitioning to the opposite gender instead of becoming proud lesbians in their own body, or feminine straight men in their own body. (Most Trans men and most trans women I’ve met, respectively)