Anyone have a miserable relationship with elderly parent that was better before?

[Anonymous]

I get therapy and have boundaries, but it still gets to me a lot. Sure my mother has always had a controlling, rigid and superficial streak, but she had many good qualities too. With age, but supposedly not dementia, her empathy and self-awareness have faded and I am her number 1 scapegoat. She can be so cruel. She played Golden child, scapegoat a lot growing up, but stopped it when we were adults. It's back in full swing. It's the rare visit, phone call or text where she doesn't throw in a guilt trip, jab, verbal stabbing or attempt at manipulation. I have learned I cannot confront the behavior and discuss why I need it to stop because she is no longer rational. She just gaslights and escalates. I have to just ignore and distract and use behavior modification-spread out visits when she does it, spread out or stop calls. I real so many books and taken so much great advice. The issue is I have an incredibly stressful life outside of dealing with her and I just hate that all she does is make it worse. She has been on meds to manage her irritability, but goes off them even though the doctor tells her not to. She has been screened for dementia and passes still. Based on how long people in her family live I have another 8-12 years of this and I dread it, especially knowing it will likely get worse. Everything is about meeting her needs. She doesn't care if one of her grandkids is in the hospital, or I have a health scare or my husband has an injury a million other things beyond how it impacts HER and her needs. It was not like this with dad at all. Anyone else feel trapped in a miserable relationship when you aren't even a primary caregiver for an elderly parent? What helps you?

On a positive note I will say the insults don't sting as much or for as long as they used to because they have become so common. I just hate that every interaction I wonder..what will she do/say this time? I also am PETRIFIED of becoming miserable and nasty in old age myself.

[Anonymous]

Where is the Golden Child in all of this? Let them deal with her. You don't HAVE to help her directly; you can go through your sibling.

I'm sorry you don't have a caring mom, and that she will never be what we hope/expect from our mothers.

It sounds like you're doing everything right. I would just decrease the interactions as much as possible and lower your expectations to zero. Only help if you have the energy; if you are limited, expend your energy on yourself and your nuclear family (spouse and kids).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes. After my father died, it's like a flip switched in my mother and she just has become the most negative, self-centered human being I've ever met. And she was never like this before.

I have no advice. Just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

You do not have to take this abuse, you really don’t - esp if dementia is not involved. Treat her like a toddler. Have hard lines, tell her that her comments or approach is inappropriate and block her for a few days / weeks (obviously not the true approach that you would take with a toddler).

She does this because she knows that she can get away with it.

When you un-block her or Interact with her again, tell her what you will or will not accept, what will be the consequences of her behavior, and follow through if she verbally/ emotionally abuses you again. Repeat until she gets the message. It will take a while before she knows that you’re serious.

If she doesn’t, know that you are an adult, you do not have to accept toxic behavior from anyone, parent or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the Golden Child in all of this? Let them deal with her. You don't HAVE to help her directly; you can go through your sibling.

I'm sorry you don't have a caring mom, and that she will never be what we hope/expect from our mothers.

It sounds like you're doing everything right. I would just decrease the interactions as much as possible and lower your expectations to zero. Only help if you have the energy; if you are limited, expend your energy on yourself and your nuclear family (spouse and kids).

Good luck!

Thanks for your post. Golden child does not live in area and is a nightmare to deal with- very manipulative and self-serving. GC does little and gets showered with praise for that. I agree with you, I try to keep expectations to zero and am limiting contact more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. After my father died, it's like a flip switched in my mother and she just has become the most negative, self-centered human being I've ever met. And she was never like this before.

I have no advice. Just commiseration.

It was similar for us except mom was like this before-just much milder. Also, she saves her worst behavior for me. It only comes out in little leaks with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not have to take this abuse, you really don’t - esp if dementia is not involved. Treat her like a toddler. Have hard lines, tell her that her comments or approach is inappropriate and block her for a few days / weeks (obviously not the true approach that you would take with a toddler).

She does this because she knows that she can get away with it.

When you un-block her or Interact with her again, tell her what you will or will not accept, what will be the consequences of her behavior, and follow through if she verbally/ emotionally abuses you again. Repeat until she gets the message. It will take a while before she knows that you’re serious.

If she doesn’t, know that you are an adult, you do not have to accept toxic behavior from anyone, parent or not.

For lack of a better way to express it, my mom has become like a dictator and she cannot handle any negative feedback whatsoever and will escalate and rage. I agree with boundaries, but it no longer serves me to have verbal boundaries and explain because I don't have the patience for a tantrum. Another strange comparison would be it's like dealing with an aggressive dog. You cannot sit and explain why you are setting the limits and giving consequences and rewards. You just have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not have to take this abuse, you really don’t - esp if dementia is not involved. Treat her like a toddler. Have hard lines, tell her that her comments or approach is inappropriate and block her for a few days / weeks (obviously not the true approach that you would take with a toddler).

She does this because she knows that she can get away with it.

When you un-block her or Interact with her again, tell her what you will or will not accept, what will be the consequences of her behavior, and follow through if she verbally/ emotionally abuses you again. Repeat until she gets the message. It will take a while before she knows that you’re serious.

If she doesn’t, know that you are an adult, you do not have to accept toxic behavior from anyone, parent or not.

For lack of a better way to express it, my mom has become like a dictator and she cannot handle any negative feedback whatsoever and will escalate and rage. I agree with boundaries, but it no longer serves me to have verbal boundaries and explain because I don't have the patience for a tantrum. Another strange comparison would be it's like dealing with an aggressive dog. You cannot sit and explain why you are setting the limits and giving consequences and rewards. You just have to do it.

I forgot to also say Thank you! Your post is helpful. It's confusing when a parent behaves this way.

[Anonymous]

Consider that this is not the same person. Age-related changes in her brain have affected her personality and self-control; cognitive decline (the absence of a formal diagnosis of dementia notwithstanding; the change in her behavior tells you what you need to know)) is impeding her ability to function as her normal self. She can't help it, which doesn't make it easier for you, but it may be helpful to recognize that she is simply becoming incapable of behaving appropriately, as might have been the case had she had certain types of brain injury earlier in life. She doesn't understand what you say in the way she used to, and what she says to you is not reflective of the person she was before her brain began to change.

None of this will change her behavior, which will probably only get worse over time, but may help you view this as a manifestation of disease rather than as a valid and accurate reflection of a fully functional parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that this is not the same person. Age-related changes in her brain have affected her personality and self-control; cognitive decline (the absence of a formal diagnosis of dementia notwithstanding; the change in her behavior tells you what you need to know)) is impeding her ability to function as her normal self. She can't help it, which doesn't make it easier for you, but it may be helpful to recognize that she is simply becoming incapable of behaving appropriately, as might have been the case had she had certain types of brain injury earlier in life. She doesn't understand what you say in the way she used to, and what she says to you is not reflective of the person she was before her brain began to change.

None of this will change her behavior, which will probably only get worse over time, but may help you view this as a manifestation of disease rather than as a valid and accurate reflection of a fully functional parent.

It doesn't help because it is her at her core, just with fewer social graces. In therapy I am realizing I overlooked a lot and ignored a lot in the past and Dad was a major buffer. Also, when someone is hurling abuse at you, after enough years and constantly doing the boundary dance the empathy runs dry. I don't like her anymore. It's sad, but I think you get enough abuse it changes your brain chemistry. If anything therapy has helped me come to terms with the fact this is who she has always been.

[Anonymous]

Can you drastically reduce your interactions with her? Or can you hire a geriatric care manager to handle things and cut off any in-person interaction with your mom (at least for a time)? I know it sounds terrible but you are being abused and you have the right to prioritize your own sanity and family.

[Anonymous]

For me it boils down to two words Choice & Resentment. My mother is an emotional succubus.

I haven't talked to her in two months. It is so freeing mentally & physically. My heart rate when I was having to interact regularly or even think about her averaged over 110 bpm. Now it is down to 80. Making the choice on how to deal with her has allowed me to handle the resentment.

It wasn't her needing/wanting help from me that caused my resentment (which is what she says to make me sound like the bad guy & her the victim) it was her terrible attitude to me. I wouldn't allow anyone else to talk or treat me that way.

She, herself, only experiences emotions in extremes and expects that from others. If she isn't getting an extreme reaction she will try to instigate it. She would rather have negative emotions from others than what she
(falsely) believes are none. That is the succubus.

Tried to set boundaries where I basically treated interactions with her like jobs. That didn't work. Finally told her that I must not be giving her what she wants so she can call me when she wants a specific task done. Thankfully she hasn't. Only dread is knowing at some point I will have to deal with her again. I wish I never had to worry about her being a part of my life and resent that she takes up the mental space for me to write this.

I feel sorry my brother has to deal with her more now. But I can't be responsible for him. I resent that she also hurts him, but he has to choose what he will & won't allow.

If I were you OP, I'd resent spending the time in therapy to deal with her issues. Choice & Resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it boils down to two words Choice & Resentment. My mother is an emotional succubus.

I haven't talked to her in two months. It is so freeing mentally & physically. My heart rate when I was having to interact regularly or even think about her averaged over 110 bpm. Now it is down to 80. Making the choice on how to deal with her has allowed me to handle the resentment.

It wasn't her needing/wanting help from me that caused my resentment (which is what she says to make me sound like the bad guy & her the victim) it was her terrible attitude to me. I wouldn't allow anyone else to talk or treat me that way.

She, herself, only experiences emotions in extremes and expects that from others. If she isn't getting an extreme reaction she will try to instigate it. She would rather have negative emotions from others than what she
(falsely) believes are none. That is the succubus.

Tried to set boundaries where I basically treated interactions with her like jobs. That didn't work. Finally told her that I must not be giving her what she wants so she can call me when she wants a specific task done. Thankfully she hasn't. Only dread is knowing at some point I will have to deal with her again. I wish I never had to worry about her being a part of my life and resent that she takes up the mental space for me to write this.

I feel sorry my brother has to deal with her more now. But I can't be responsible for him. I resent that she also hurts him, but he has to choose what he will & won't allow.

If I were you OP, I'd resent spending the time in therapy to deal with her issues. Choice & Resentment.

OP here with an update. I have to say this post above nailed it. I am on a break from her and it's like I could have posted the same thing. My heart would race after one of her hostile episodes and even days after was above 100 whenever I thought about it. Now my heart rate is much healthier. Yes, absolutely it wasn't her needing/wanting help that caused resentment, but the terrible attitude toward me. I could not understand why she would even try to manipulate me into seeing her more if she had such contempt and downright hatred toward me. I have so much going on I just don't have an ounce of energy left for someone who seems to think I am the worst daughter to roam the earth. Yep, my only dread is the thought of her resuming contact. I have spent a small fortune in therapy to learn her behavior is abusive, my boundaries seem to be meaningless to her and I am the target of her wrath. I am sure I am now the target of my siblings' wrath now that mom needs a new place to vomit out her rage. Life is much easier for the Golden child. Every time I remember her nastiness and see that she hasn't called or texted I just feel a huge wave of relief and peace. May I never be like this with my children EVER.

If you are out there poster from March...how are things now?

[Anonymous]

I’m not the poster from March but I’m another daughter who has hardly talked to my mom in a year, and similarly, all I feel is dread that I will one day have to talk to her again if a crisis occurs.

Isn’t it sad that we have such crappy mothers?!? This is not a normal thing for someone to feel - relief if they don’t have to be abused by their mother and guilt for the relief!

Let us both be honored and beloved people in our next lives for this suffering, if we do not reach nirvana!