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[quote=Anonymous]  I get therapy and have boundaries, but it still gets to me a lot. Sure my mother has always had a controlling, rigid and superficial streak, but she had many good qualities too. With age, but supposedly not dementia, her empathy and self-awareness have faded and I am her number 1 scapegoat. She can be so cruel. She played Golden child, scapegoat a lot growing up, but stopped it when we were adults. It's back in full swing. It's the rare visit, phone call or text where she doesn't throw in a guilt trip, jab, verbal stabbing or attempt at manipulation. I have learned I cannot confront the behavior and discuss why I need it to stop because she is no longer rational. She just gaslights and escalates. I have to just ignore and distract and use behavior modification-spread out visits when she does it, spread out or stop calls. I real so many books and taken so much great advice. The issue is I have an incredibly stressful life outside of dealing with her and I just hate that all she does is make it worse. She has been on meds to manage her irritability, but goes off them even though the doctor tells her not to. She has been screened for dementia and passes still. Based on how long people in her family live I have another 8-12 years of this and I dread it, especially knowing it will likely get worse. Everything is about meeting her needs. She doesn't care if one of her grandkids is in the hospital, or I have a health scare or my husband has an injury a million other things beyond how it impacts HER and her needs. It was not like this with dad at all. Anyone else feel trapped in a miserable relationship when you aren't even a primary caregiver for an elderly parent? What helps you?

On a positive note I will say the insults don't sting as much or for as long as they used to because they have become so common. I just hate that every interaction I wonder..what will she do/say this time? I also am PETRIFIED of becoming miserable and nasty in old age myself.[/quote]

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