My mother isn't speaking to me because...

[Anonymous]

I got a dog.

I am in my 40s. I have a job, and a family, and a stable life, and the means to provide for this dog. I've had dogs before, so I know what responsibilities come with them. The dog is a senior dog from the shelter, so it's not like I went to a breeder/puppy mill/adopted a puppy or anything else someone can find objectionable (I personally don't find those things objectionable, but recognize some people do). He is really sweet, and doesn't seem to have behavioral issues (my family/friends/neighbors are safe around this dog). I don't have any other pets (not an animal hoarder). I've never surrendered a dog (mine have lived long, pampered lives and died of old age). I've never been in legal trouble (for anything, but specifically for abuse/neglect of animals or children). She has dogs, and has had them her whole life (so it's not that she is fearful or allergic, or doesn't like dogs).

I can't think if a single reason why I shouldn't have a dog, but here we are.

It's been a week, and she refuses to talk to me. We usually text/call daily.

She does this a lot when I make a relatively mundane decision that for some reason she doesn't agree with, and it makes me sad and anxious, but mostly really confused. My (extended) family loves dogs. A new dog is a happy thing. Why is she so angry about this?

[Anonymous]

Have you ASKED her why she's angry at you about this? I mean that seems like the obvious next step, no?

[Anonymous]

Because she's manipulative and immature? I don't know, OP. I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Go cuddle your new pupper and love on him.

[Anonymous]

Honey, are you in therapy? If not, I'd start unpacking the last paragraph of your post with a trained professional.

I suspect you do not have a balanced relationship. Have you ever read about narcissism? Toxic family? Controlling relationships?

[Anonymous]

Healthy relationships do not include the silent treatment. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you have a mother like this, OP. Without knowing much about how your mother typically operates, I don't have much for advice, but here are some ideas:

1. Don't contact her for a week, and then text her asking how she's doing. No answer? Rinse and repeat.
2. Text her and tell her to let you know when she's ready to resume your relationship.
3. Starting sending a couple of pictures a week of your new, adorable dog.

Is she usually this childish? Doe she get jealous of your life and activities?

She's being mean/borderline abusive to you, OP. Do did NOT do anything wrong and shouldn't feel sad or anxious. Hurt, maybe, but this is all on her and has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom also likes to use the silent treatment. I have an appointment with a therapist to figure out strategies to deal with it. My mom is childish and immature.

I don't ask her "why." I don't respond to it at all. I feel like that would be feeding the monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you have a mother like this, OP. Without knowing much about how your mother typically operates, I don't have much for advice, but here are some ideas:

1. Don't contact her for a week, and then text her asking how she's doing. No answer? Rinse and repeat.
2. Text her and tell her to let you know when she's ready to resume your relationship.
3. Starting sending a couple of pictures a week of your new, adorable dog.

Is she usually this childish? Doe she get jealous of your life and activities?

She's being mean/borderline abusive to you, OP. Do did NOT do anything wrong and shouldn't feel sad or anxious. Hurt, maybe, but this is all on her and has nothing to do with you.

OP Here.

To answer a previous PP, I know it's about the dog because all contact stopped as soon as I told her we had adopted a dog.

To answer this PP, she is a little immature. Mostly often it shows up as being a little out of touch with reality. An example would be, When I got divorced, she was angry that we went with 50/50 custody. She refused to listen when I told her that modern local courts prefer 50/50 unless there is something egregious and that fighting for full custody would be prohibitively expensive, and likely unsuccessful (this was directly from my lawyer). She accused me of not caring about my child, and being a bad mother for choosing to settle for 50/50. I got the silent treatment for that as well.

Another example: her sister, who is a doctor, has a friend whose neighbor is an addict. My mom is convinced that this could cost my aunt her medical license. My aunt doesn't interact with this person. It's just a friend's neighbor. She doesn't think my aunt should be friends with this person anymore, and told her she was stupid to risk her medical license. (Also, even if this was true, my aunt is retired, so she doesn't even really need a license anymore, but she occasionally does some volunteer/pro bono type work.)

My mom has probably been this way her whole life but I didn't really start noticing until I was in my 30s.

[Anonymous]

You are asking the wrong question, which isn’t why is she angry at a dog, but why are you letting her reaction upset you? You can’t control her behavior, only your reaction to it. It sounds very trite but it’s the truth. Your only focus right now should be on managing your feelings, whether that requires you to disengage from her for awhile, or immerse yourself in a new hobby (like puppy training!) or what have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you have a mother like this, OP. Without knowing much about how your mother typically operates, I don't have much for advice, but here are some ideas:

1. Don't contact her for a week, and then text her asking how she's doing. No answer? Rinse and repeat.
2. Text her and tell her to let you know when she's ready to resume your relationship.
3. Starting sending a couple of pictures a week of your new, adorable dog.

Is she usually this childish? Doe she get jealous of your life and activities?

She's being mean/borderline abusive to you, OP. Do did NOT do anything wrong and shouldn't feel sad or anxious. Hurt, maybe, but this is all on her and has nothing to do with you.

OP Here.

To answer a previous PP, I know it's about the dog because all contact stopped as soon as I told her we had adopted a dog.

To answer this PP, she is a little immature. Mostly often it shows up as being a little out of touch with reality. An example would be, When I got divorced, she was angry that we went with 50/50 custody. She refused to listen when I told her that modern local courts prefer 50/50 unless there is something egregious and that fighting for full custody would be prohibitively expensive, and likely unsuccessful (this was directly from my lawyer). She accused me of not caring about my child, and being a bad mother for choosing to settle for 50/50. I got the silent treatment for that as well.

Another example: her sister, who is a doctor, has a friend whose neighbor is an addict. My mom is convinced that this could cost my aunt her medical license. My aunt doesn't interact with this person. It's just a friend's neighbor. She doesn't think my aunt should be friends with this person anymore, and told her she was stupid to risk her medical license. (Also, even if this was true, my aunt is retired, so she doesn't even really need a license anymore, but she occasionally does some volunteer/pro bono type work.)

My mom has probably been this way her whole life but I didn't really start noticing until I was in my 30s.

So very controlling? Without good boundaries on when she is intruding on the life decisions of someone else? We don't do silent treatment, but my FOO is like this too. Think they should have say in the other person's life and get very upset when their views are disregarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are asking the wrong question, which isn’t why is she angry at a dog, but why are you letting her reaction upset you? You can’t control her behavior, only your reaction to it. It sounds very trite but it’s the truth. Your only focus right now should be on managing your feelings, whether that requires you to disengage from her for awhile, or immerse yourself in a new hobby (like puppy training!) or what have you.

Not OP - how does one do this?

[Anonymous]

Wow, the crazy is strong with this one, OP!
I can't think of a single reason why you'd seek your mother's validation, opinion, or company, either by phone or in-person.

I suggest you work on finding happiness without feeling the need to connect with your mother. The silent treatment is a blessing in disguise, since it prevents regular occurrences of conversing with Crazy!

Just go no-contact, OK? For a while. Don't pursue. Let her contact you,and when she does, evince no interest whatsoever. Don't share about your life. Everything is going well. Yes, how are you? Oh good. Look, I need to go now, have a nice day. And then, wait for her to call you again. You don't want this person in your life unless at arm's length.

[Anonymous]

Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, the crazy is strong with this one, OP!
I can't think of a single reason why you'd seek your mother's validation, opinion, or company, either by phone or in-person.

I suggest you work on finding happiness without feeling the need to connect with your mother. The silent treatment is a blessing in disguise, since it prevents regular occurrences of conversing with Crazy!

Just go no-contact, OK? For a while. Don't pursue. Let her contact you,and when she does, evince no interest whatsoever. Don't share about your life. Everything is going well. Yes, how are you? Oh good. Look, I need to go now, have a nice day. And then, wait for her to call you again. You don't want this person in your life unless at arm's length.

Me again. My mother annoys me by being unhappy and critical about happy decisions I've made in my life, such as every single one of my pregnancies, buying a house and getting pets. There is never silent treatment, because she has to tell me, repeatedly and pointedly, how worried she is about my health, giving birth, how I don't have money for children (we have 5M in assets), how we'll be frazzled if we add pets to a household with TWO children (she only had one child, no pets, and found her life over whelming), and how my house is too small and we need a bigger house (didn't she just say I was too poor?). She cannot accept that anyone might be happy living a life that's not similar to hers. Which is weird, because she doesn't seem that happy to live her own life either!

For my mother, it comes from a distorted place of anxious love and inability to put herself in other people's shoes. But the treatment is the same. I do not share. We had a puppy for more than a year before we told her. I'm about to miscarry and will not tell her about it, because she will freak out and be mad at me for getting pregnant, mad at my husband for getting me pregnant, etc... These people are crazy, and we need to hold them at arms' length and get our emotional support from our friends., or other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, the crazy is strong with this one, OP!
I can't think of a single reason why you'd seek your mother's validation, opinion, or company, either by phone or in-person.

I suggest you work on finding happiness without feeling the need to connect with your mother. The silent treatment is a blessing in disguise, since it prevents regular occurrences of conversing with Crazy!

Just go no-contact, OK? For a while. Don't pursue. Let her contact you,and when she does, evince no interest whatsoever. Don't share about your life. Everything is going well. Yes, how are you? Oh good. Look, I need to go now, have a nice day. And then, wait for her to call you again. You don't want this person in your life unless at arm's length.

Me again. My mother annoys me by being unhappy and critical about happy decisions I've made in my life, such as every single one of my pregnancies, buying a house and getting pets. There is never silent treatment, because she has to tell me, repeatedly and pointedly, how worried she is about my health, giving birth, how I don't have money for children (we have 5M in assets), how we'll be frazzled if we add pets to a household with TWO children (she only had one child, no pets, and found her life over whelming), and how my house is too small and we need a bigger house (didn't she just say I was too poor?). She cannot accept that anyone might be happy living a life that's not similar to hers. Which is weird, because she doesn't seem that happy to live her own life either!

For my mother, it comes from a distorted place of anxious love and inability to put herself in other people's shoes. But the treatment is the same. I do not share. We had a puppy for more than a year before we told her. I'm about to miscarry and will not tell her about it, because she will freak out and be mad at me for getting pregnant, mad at my husband for getting me pregnant, etc... These people are crazy, and we need to hold them at arms' length and get our emotional support from our friends., or other relatives.

I am OP---I am so sorry!

Yes, this is exactly my mom, and probably how I should handle it going forward.