My mother isn't speaking to me because...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Me again. My mother annoys me by being unhappy and critical about happy decisions I've made in my life, such as every single one of my pregnancies, buying a house and getting pets. There is never silent treatment, because she has to tell me, repeatedly and pointedly, how worried she is about my health, giving birth, how I don't have money for children (we have 5M in assets), how we'll be frazzled if we add pets to a household with TWO children (she only had one child, no pets, and found her life over whelming), and how my house is too small and we need a bigger house (didn't she just say I was too poor?). She cannot accept that anyone might be happy living a life that's not similar to hers. Which is weird, because she doesn't seem that happy to live her own life either!

For my mother, it comes from a distorted place of anxious love and inability to put herself in other people's shoes. But the treatment is the same. I do not share. We had a puppy for more than a year before we told her. I'm about to miscarry and will not tell her about it, because she will freak out and be mad at me for getting pregnant, mad at my husband for getting me pregnant, etc... These people are crazy, and we need to hold them at arms' length and get our emotional support from our friends., or other relatives.

Sorry you can't share you miscarriage with your mom. My husband cheated on me, and that's why we divorced. I couldn't tell my mom why. Literally everyone else in my life know why except her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

I have been t therapy, but we didn't really talk about my mom.

[Anonymous]

What does a healthy relationship with one's mom look like? Does anyone have that?

[Anonymous]

Your mom's behavior has nothing to do with you. There is literally nothing you could have done differently to change her behavior. You are not responsible for feelings and poor actions.

Can you imagine a friend telling you her mom wouldn't speak to her over getting a cat? Wouldn't you find that odd and ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

Is it a pit bull or other aggressive breed. I could see a grandmother being upset for their own safety and that of their kids.

If it’s an aggressive breed and your kids aren’t 15+, then I’m on team grandmom.

[Anonymous]

I was wondering the same thing, if it were a pit bull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are asking the wrong question, which isn’t why is she angry at a dog, but why are you letting her reaction upset you? You can’t control her behavior, only your reaction to it. It sounds very trite but it’s the truth. Your only focus right now should be on managing your feelings, whether that requires you to disengage from her for awhile, or immerse yourself in a new hobby (like puppy training!) or what have you.

Not OP - how does one do this?

I would literally do the last two things - limit contact for awhile and focus on a new interest/aka do something that gets your mind off the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a pit bull or other aggressive breed. I could see a grandmother being upset for their own safety and that of their kids.

If it’s an aggressive breed and your kids aren’t 15+, then I’m on team grandmom.

It is not an aggressive breed, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a pit bull or other aggressive breed. I could see a grandmother being upset for their own safety and that of their kids.

If it’s an aggressive breed and your kids aren’t 15+, then I’m on team grandmom.

This is NOT about the dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a pit bull or other aggressive breed. I could see a grandmother being upset for their own safety and that of their kids.

If it’s an aggressive breed and your kids aren’t 15+, then I’m on team grandmom.

Data point here. Pitbulls are dangerous not because of perceived "aggressive traits" passed down the generations, but because of the strength and lock of their jaws. Many rescue and shelter dogs are pit mixes, but you wouldn't know it unless you did genetic testing, because they don't "look" like pitbulls, and don't have that jaw structure. And that makes it fine - they're never going to have the lethal bite strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does a healthy relationship with one's mom look like? Does anyone have that?

Of course. I call my mom every day, she is my go to person - for advice, comfort. She isn’t afraid to tell me what she thinks, but only when I ask. She is a great listener and I respect her judgment tremendously. She knows when I disagree with her on something, and doesn’t push back once she’s said her peace. And she never says “I told you so.”

She wouldn’t give me the silent treatment for a week. If she disagreed about getting a dog, she would say “have you thought about X” (X being her concern about the dog - say the breed, or whether I have time to train it, whatever) and we would discuss it. And then she would drop the discussion and trust me to handle X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

I have been t therapy, but we didn't really talk about my mom.

That’s…surprising. I wonder how this never came up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

I have been t therapy, but we didn't really talk about my mom.

That’s…surprising. I wonder how this never came up?

Because I thought that talking to my mom everyday meant we had a good relationship. So when the therapist asked about my parents, I told her we have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

I have been t therapy, but we didn't really talk about my mom.

Your mother is not a rational person and she does not have what could be called a “normal” relationship with you. The fact that she hasn’t come up in therapy suggests to me that you have some huge blind spot about your mom, or are deliberately ignoring her irrational behaviour. Something is up, op. It may be time to take a closer look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, sorry to be blunt but this sounds like a very toxic relationship. Have you been to therapy before about your relationship with her. Her reaction is NOT normal.

I have been t therapy, but we didn't really talk about my mom.

That’s…surprising. I wonder how this never came up?

Because I thought that talking to my mom everyday meant we had a good relationship. So when the therapist asked about my parents, I told her we have a good relationship.

I kinda wanna give you a hug and say no, sweetie, you don’t.