The reinforcing aspect of borderline personality and narcissism in our family members who have it

[Anonymous]

Thinking about my own mother I was trying to figure out why she says and does so many cruel things and then complains when we don't want to spend time with her. She has lost friendships because of her baiting, quick temper, etc. I was reading about how things like anger can give people a dopamine hit. I think for my mother creating drama gives he way more satisfaction than having meaningful connection. I think she loves the power to get a reaction and she gets high off of people reacting. She rages pretty easily and I think there must be something really reinforcing about becoming hysterical.

I was thinking about all this because she had a volatile relationship with my dad and since he died she is much crueler to me, but incredibly needy. I gray rock her and she just is almost like a junkie trying to get me to react so she can rage more and then call up a bunch of people and complain. It just pushes me away more and she rages at me for not doing what she wants and rages more when I don't react. If she could just be consistently pleasant and even tempered i would want to see her and it dawned on me that she may desperately want a good fight. I think I could have somewhat of a relationship with her before my dad died because she got her fix of screaming, dramatics, etc with him. When she got too hurtful with me, he intervened so she never took it to this level.

Do you think there is a reinforcing aspect to these traits? Maybe it's addictive to create chaos and evoke strong emotions?

[Anonymous]

I think you are absolutely right. My mother is also borderline and I know she’s addicted to drama and stress. She loves for it. Craves it.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree and think that people with this type of mental illness get a high from creating drama and chaos. I have a mother and brother that are exactly as you describe and have threatened to cut off relationships as a result. I have to be constantly aware of my own mental state and self control when I am around them so as not to ‘take the bait’ which is completely exhausting.

I’m sorry OP. It’s impossible to have meaningful and healthy relationships with people like this because they truly suck the life out of you and do not know how to function peacefully.

[Anonymous]

Yes, many people with BPD have been reinforced for their behavior over and over again for many many years.

[Anonymous]

My BPD mom also became much worse as she got older. My dad is alive, but she divorced him when I was in college. He turned into a happy man. She turned into a monster, and I do think it's because she was used to taking it out on my dad and changed to taking it out on my siblings and me.

She wss terrible during our child/teen years, but she also always had someone she was obsessive about, a romantic interest that consumed her energy unless she was entirely tired/pissed.

She wrongly betted on getting a better man than my dad. She has no one but my siblings and her grandchildren to abuse now. Excepting me and mine.

[Anonymous]

Well at least I know long and short term memory are in tact. My lovely elderly mother seems to have kept a mental list of any weak spot I have since childhood and she tries desperately to hit each one hoping to get a reaction. Thanks to therapy she does not get anything out of me. Then she complains about friends who have dumped her or who are drifting away.

It's funny because even as a kid when friendships turned unhealthy I figured out to drift and let the relationship go. She would berate me and tell me what a terrible person I was for not keeping every friendship. The friendships she still has she does not value and she badmouths and complains about them all.the.time. I do not bad mouth friends. I value them. If it's not a good relationship I let it go, I don't obsess. It's like she doesn't even know what friendship is and every "relationship" in her life must have conflict.

[Anonymous]

My mom gets such a buzz from other people's drama. I know if I get a VM, text or email that starts with "I have BIG news!" or "Lot's of excitement!" it is going to be some horrible gossip about a divorce, a family fight, an illness, a fellow elderly person she doesn't like taking a bad fall or someone cheating. She can't even hide these days how exhilarating she finds this stuff. Schadenfreude is her crack.

Her other favorite thing is baiting and if she gets a reaction she calls everyone she knows to complain about the crazy person who reacted to her baiting. Every since I stopped giving her anything, she still tries, but she also took the show on the road. She baits neighbors, religious leaders, nurses anyone and then it's "How dare she/he talk to me that way" when the person lets her have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BPD mom also became much worse as she got older. My dad is alive, but she divorced him when I was in college. He turned into a happy man. She turned into a monster, and I do think it's because she was used to taking it out on my dad and changed to taking it out on my siblings and me.

She wss terrible during our child/teen years, but she also always had someone she was obsessive about, a romantic interest that consumed her energy unless she was entirely tired/pissed.

She wrongly betted on getting a better man than my dad. She has no one but my siblings and her grandchildren to abuse now. Excepting me and mine.

Funny you mention this, when dad was ill and mom was angry with him 24-7, we finally got a nurse for him and encouraged her to leave the house more. We also found a place a senior day center for him. He was so much happier away from her. I would definitely say mine has turned into a monster.

Funny you use the word "pissed." If I had a dollar for every time my mom declared she is "pissed" or "in a snit" I would be Jeff Bezos. She has wasted to majority of her life either in a state of anger or anxiety, mostly anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, many people with BPD have been reinforced for their behavior over and over again for many many years.

Does “reinforce” mean that others have given the BPD the satisfaction of drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, many people with BPD have been reinforced for their behavior over and over again for many many years.

Does “reinforce” mean that others have given the BPD the satisfaction of drama?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, many people with BPD have been reinforced for their behavior over and over again for many many years.

Does “reinforce” mean that others have given the BPD the satisfaction of drama?

Yes

Thank you. This explains a lot. I can see now that I have been sucked into drama. A lot of times, I can spot it and not react but sometimes I miss it. I have to be on guard all the time.

[Anonymous]

I have a cousin who has some form of BPD or narcissistic personality disorder. Are they connected?
There is clearly something off mentally but she refuses to seek help. She is 50 now and still lives with her aging parents and basically runs the household with an iron fist. It is a very difficult situation for her parents but no one knows what to do. She acts like she is the expert on every issue and will not take advice from anyone on household repair, medical issues, finances, real estate. Her siblings get beaten down by all the drama she creates. It is hard to watch as an observer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom gets such a buzz from other people's drama. I know if I get a VM, text or email that starts with "I have BIG news!" or "Lot's of excitement!" it is going to be some horrible gossip about a divorce, a family fight, an illness, a fellow elderly person she doesn't like taking a bad fall or someone cheating. She can't even hide these days how exhilarating she finds this stuff. Schadenfreude is her crack.

Her other favorite thing is baiting and if she gets a reaction she calls everyone she knows to complain about the crazy person who reacted to her baiting. Every since I stopped giving her anything, she still tries, but she also took the show on the road. She baits neighbors, religious leaders, nurses anyone and then it's "How dare she/he talk to me that way" when the person lets her have it.

My mom does all of this. She lives for drama, hers and other peoples. And she always brings up controversial topics and when people get bristle-y she calls me to complain and insists that it’s ludicrous people can’t have civil conversations about things like politics. And it’s like, Gee mom, when you randomly bring up the fact that you think the Covid pandemic is ongoing bc of “illegals” and “open borders” in conversation with people in your northern liberal state, people are going to shut down. She can’t talk about the weather or ask how someone’s kids are doing or inquire about someone’s latest vacay. It’s gotta be something to do with violent crime or politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom gets such a buzz from other people's drama. I know if I get a VM, text or email that starts with "I have BIG news!" or "Lot's of excitement!" it is going to be some horrible gossip about a divorce, a family fight, an illness, a fellow elderly person she doesn't like taking a bad fall or someone cheating. She can't even hide these days how exhilarating she finds this stuff. Schadenfreude is her crack.

Her other favorite thing is baiting and if she gets a reaction she calls everyone she knows to complain about the crazy person who reacted to her baiting. Every since I stopped giving her anything, she still tries, but she also took the show on the road. She baits neighbors, religious leaders, nurses anyone and then it's "How dare she/he talk to me that way" when the person lets her have it.

My mom does all of this. She lives for drama, hers and other peoples. And she always brings up controversial topics and when people get bristle-y she calls me to complain and insists that it’s ludicrous people can’t have civil conversations about things like politics. And it’s like, Gee mom, when you randomly bring up the fact that you think the Covid pandemic is ongoing bc of “illegals” and “open borders” in conversation with people in your northern liberal state, people are going to shut down. She can’t talk about the weather or ask how someone’s kids are doing or inquire about someone’s latest vacay. It’s gotta be something to do with violent crime or politics.

OK at this point I am seriously wondering if my sister or brother posted this because we clearly have the SAME mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom gets such a buzz from other people's drama. I know if I get a VM, text or email that starts with "I have BIG news!" or "Lot's of excitement!" it is going to be some horrible gossip about a divorce, a family fight, an illness, a fellow elderly person she doesn't like taking a bad fall or someone cheating. She can't even hide these days how exhilarating she finds this stuff. Schadenfreude is her crack.

Her other favorite thing is baiting and if she gets a reaction she calls everyone she knows to complain about the crazy person who reacted to her baiting. Every since I stopped giving her anything, she still tries, but she also took the show on the road. She baits neighbors, religious leaders, nurses anyone and then it's "How dare she/he talk to me that way" when the person lets her have it.

My mom does all of this. She lives for drama, hers and other peoples. And she always brings up controversial topics and when people get bristle-y she calls me to complain and insists that it’s ludicrous people can’t have civil conversations about things like politics. And it’s like, Gee mom, when you randomly bring up the fact that you think the Covid pandemic is ongoing bc of “illegals” and “open borders” in conversation with people in your northern liberal state, people are going to shut down. She can’t talk about the weather or ask how someone’s kids are doing or inquire about someone’s latest vacay. It’s gotta be something to do with violent crime or politics.

OK at this point I am seriously wondering if my sister or brother posted this because we clearly have the SAME mother.

My mom too. Her steady diet of Fox News doesn’t help.