How to find a man who let me shine

[Anonymous]

I’m a successful overachiever. I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

[Anonymous]

Ok, weighing on this as a someone happily married for 10 years, with a kid.

There are people who are going to tell you to find someone who is equally as high achieving as you, so that they feel confident in themselves. But I don't think this works. High achievers are competitive. You are probably competitive. If you marry someone who is also a high achiever, there will be an element of competition to you relationship. And the worst part will be when you have kids, because when two high achieving parents have kids, it is the very rare couple where the man's career takes the back seat when the kids are small. Either both parents or the mom does it, and mostly it's the mom. I hate it, but it's true. And part of the problem is that mom is usually more willing to do it, because women tend to be more immediately changed by parenthood and it makes them more willing to make compromises for their children, and men take longer to figure this out, and some never do. My DH figured it around year 2. But by then I'd already made a lot of sacrifices and he'd already dug in on a lot of stuff. We got there, but not immediately.

What saves us is that he is not really a high achiever. He's very smart and he is successful at his job, but his job is in government service and has regular hours and everyone takes vacations and parental leaves and it's just not a hard charging place. I am in private industry, in a very competitive field, and much more ambitious than he is. He's Mr. Slow and Steady Wins the Race. It's a perfect match for me and has served our relationship very well. He occasionally gets jealous of certain accomplishments or opportunities I have, but it passes and he remembers that's just not who he is. But his steadiness means I have a lot more room to maneuver in my career, taking more risks and being bolder in job choices. It also means I was able to go PT for a while when we had a child, but then make some interesting choices when I went back FT that have served me very well. Were it not for his steady job security and income, but also regular hours and lack of stress, I could never have done any of that.

So my advice is to find yourself a smart but not ambitious mid-level government worker. Someone who is great in their subject area but has no interest in running anything. He'll still be smart and interesting enough to talk to, but his career ambitions (such as they are) are unlikely to conflict with yours. Look for someone who is just happy where they are at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a successful overachiever. I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

Notice only UVa students/parents think rapes, deaths, violence, bigotry, embezzlement, abuse, bias, etc is "jealousy" by UVa ALUMNI who "didn't get in", but actual Ivy leaguers don't say that? I too am in the top 1% of many things and don't for a second think my dates are jealous, although I have faced retaliation from last-to-marry coworkers who failed for 2 years at what I've won awards for. Why do you go for insecure, petty, jerks? I have dated and married less accomplished, but I feel I married up in character, warmth, attachment, etc. I don't think anyone has played "dumb" since 1982. What a condescending thought! Yes, your expectations are realistic. How?--Stop "vetting" like you are looking for a VP, and start caring and loving like a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Lol. I’m afraid you’ll never meet anyone as special as you.

[Anonymous]

Don't wait for permission to shine.
Find someone is is attracted to your bright light

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I’m a successful overachiever.[/b] I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

Is this another way of saying high maintenance PITA?

Be honest, OP.

[Anonymous]

The older I get the more I value a man who can fix things and who can do work around the house and in the yard.

Many many 1%ers can't change out a toilet.

[Anonymous]

Find someone chill and woke who would feel fine being a househusband or SAHD with some part time hobby like job. To break the ceiling, women need men's secret weapon ... a supportive spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older I get the more I value a man who can fix things and who can do work around the house and in the yard.

Many many 1%ers can't change out a toilet.

They can hire a handyman.

[Anonymous]

I call BS.

In the dating world having a cool and interesting career is always a plus. I don’t know any guys who are turned off by it. (The issues only come up after kids come along) And I say this as someone with a big circle of highly educated high achievers. When it comes to dating and marriage each and every one of those guys was proud and bragging about how hot and smart their girlfriends were.

[Anonymous]

1) Find someone who’s highly educated and accomplished and wants a partner who is the same.
2) Discuss big picture visions early, to see if he wants a wife with a career and why/how he knows that.
3) Screen for someone who isn’t arrogant but has enough confidence to hold his own next to you.

It helps if his mom has achievements in her own right, IME. He will have grown up in a house where the man is comfortable with and proud of a high flying woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I call BS.

In the dating world having a cool and interesting career is always a plus. I don’t know any guys who are turned off by it. (The issues only come up after kids come along) And I say this as someone with a big circle of highly educated high achievers. When it comes to dating and marriage each and every one of those guys was proud and bragging about how hot and smart their girlfriends were.

This has been my experience too. But you have to date people from a world where that is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a successful overachiever. I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

You seem fun.

[Anonymous]

Date a teacher.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is not BS. I actually ended up divorced because of this issue. While dating I find that men seem excited/interested in me being an overachiever in the beginning, but down the road it becomes an issue. It is as if the idea of a career woman is great to them, but the reality is something they can’t handle. Examples include:

-resenting that I’m unwilling to relocate given this area is the epicenter of good jobs for me
-expecting prompt texts and drawn out conversation while I’m working
-dismissing my professional expertise (it’s in something that everyone interacts with like say being a doctor)
-advising me to not go for better opportunities
-getting annoyed that I am thoughtful and therefore have my own independent opinions