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[quote=Anonymous]Ok, weighing on this as a someone happily married for 10 years, with a kid.

There are people who are going to tell you to find someone who is equally as high achieving as you, so that they feel confident in themselves. But I don't think this works. High achievers are competitive. You are probably competitive. If you marry someone who is also a high achiever, there will be an element of competition to you relationship. And the worst part will be when you have kids, because when two high achieving parents have kids, it is the very rare couple where the man's career takes the back seat when the kids are small. Either both parents or the mom does it, and mostly it's the mom. I hate it, but it's true. And part of the problem is that mom is usually more willing to do it, because women tend to be more immediately changed by parenthood and it makes them more willing to make compromises for their children, and men take longer to figure this out, and some never do. My DH figured it around year 2. But by then I'd already made a lot of sacrifices and he'd already dug in on a lot of stuff. We got there, but not immediately.

What saves us is that he is not really a high achiever. He's very smart and he is successful at his job, but his job is in government service and has regular hours and everyone takes vacations and parental leaves and it's just not a hard charging place. I am in private industry, in a very competitive field, and much more ambitious than he is. He's Mr. Slow and Steady Wins the Race. It's a perfect match for me and has served our relationship very well. He occasionally gets jealous of certain accomplishments or opportunities I have, but it passes and he remembers that's just not who he is. But his steadiness means I have a lot more room to maneuver in my career, taking more risks and being bolder in job choices. It also means I was able to go PT for a while when we had a child, but then make some interesting choices when I went back FT that have served me very well. Were it not for his steady job security and income, but also regular hours and lack of stress, I could never have done any of that.

So my advice is to find yourself a smart but not ambitious mid-level government worker. Someone who is great in their subject area but has no interest in running anything. He'll still be smart and interesting enough to talk to, but his career ambitions (such as they are) are unlikely to conflict with yours. Look for someone who is just happy where they are at.[/quote]

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