How to find a man who let me shine

[Anonymous]

Unpopular advice: you should consider someone who had a mother with a personality or ambitious career similar to yourself.

Most men expect to be the 'driver' of the relationship because it is what they know. Most men are like this even if they think they are all about equality and feminists. Men who were raised by single mothers OR had a strong mothers themselves are often (not always!) more comfortable with someone who has your type of personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I call BS.

In the dating world having a cool and interesting career is always a plus. I don’t know any guys who are turned off by it. (The issues only come up after kids come along) And I say this as someone with a big circle of highly educated high achievers. When it comes to dating and marriage each and every one of those guys was proud and bragging about how hot and smart their girlfriends were.

This has been my experience too. But you have to date people from a world where that is the norm.

+1 so common in the DMV

[Anonymous]

I am sorry but successful overachievers I met weren’t successful in their friendships or marriages because of their success, but because of correlating traits such as being self centered and other ones. You may want to think in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry but successful overachievers I met weren’t successful in their friendships or marriages because of their success, but because of correlating traits such as being self centered and other ones. You may want to think in that direction.

+1

You sound oblivious to your faults, demanding and entitled. It'll be hard to be in a successful relationship until that changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular advice: you should consider someone who had a mother with a personality or ambitious career similar to yourself.

Most men expect to be the 'driver' of the relationship because it is what they know. Most men are like this even if they think they are all about equality and feminists. Men who were raised by single mothers OR had a strong mothers themselves are often (not always!) more comfortable with someone who has your type of personality.

My mom was a SAHM, my brothers are very supportive of their wives, her sister was HBS grad and shattered the ceiling at a fortune 500, one if her son has a SAHM and one who has a competitive lawyer wife, wants her to switch to teaching law so his kids can have a better family life then he had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular advice: you should consider someone who had a mother with a personality or ambitious career similar to yourself.

Most men expect to be the 'driver' of the relationship because it is what they know. Most men are like this even if they think they are all about equality and feminists. Men who were raised by single mothers OR had a strong mothers themselves are often (not always!) more comfortable with someone who has your type of personality.

Not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

How are you presenting yourself to men? Are you presenting yourself as like the ultimate woman who will fulfill their needs but is also totally independent? Like, are you pretending you’re in a Beyoncé song? Or are you being honest that your career is your focus and the man is going to come second?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry but successful overachievers I met weren’t successful in their friendships or marriages because of their success, but because of correlating traits such as being self centered and other ones. You may want to think in that direction.

Exactly. Op comes across as totally self centered, expecting the entire relationship to revolve around her.. Healthy relationships don't work that way, they require give and take and compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a successful overachiever. I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

If you are shining, why need a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a successful overachiever. I have been this way my whole life. It’s caused problems in my romantic relationships, because many men have been jealous or felt inadequate as a result. I do not look down on men who have less money or career accolades than me. I like to have a balanced life with work and fun, and would like to have a partner who’s the same. I also don’t want to have to “play dumb” to keep a man. Are my expectations realistic? If so, how do I begin vetting for and attracting men who have space for a woman like me?

I think you should take a realistic look at your performance as relationship partner. What you describe as "over-achiever" might just be someone difficult and unappealing to be with.

Contrary to popular belief, men are not repelled by intelligent women, and they are not repelled by strength. No one likes a weak dumb woman. But look with a critical eye on how you express what you think is strength.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to bow down? If you want to build a life with a man as smart as you are then that is what you must do. He will not ever tell you that's what he wants but his actions will gradually make it clear. High-achieving men do not need women for their financial maintenance; they want wives to make their lives more pleasant and do the bulk of childrearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is not BS. I actually ended up divorced because of this issue. While dating I find that men seem excited/interested in me being an overachiever in the beginning, but down the road it becomes an issue. It is as if the idea of a career woman is great to them, but the reality is something they can’t handle. Examples include:

-resenting that I’m unwilling to relocate given this area is the epicenter of good jobs for me
-expecting prompt texts and drawn out conversation while I’m working
-dismissing my professional expertise (it’s in something that everyone interacts with like say being a doctor)
-advising me to not go for better opportunities
-getting annoyed that I am thoughtful and therefore have my own independent opinions

That list is rather annoying and has less to do with your successful career and more about a personality trait. Also, the relocation would only be an issue if you are casting your net in waters not near your home.

Men are pretty simple and if your interest in them, and what you enjoy as a couple, is greater than sharing your glorious accomplishments/conquests within your career you should have little problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This is not BS. I actually ended up divorced because of this issue. While dating I find that men seem excited/interested in me being an overachiever in the beginning, but down the road it becomes an issue. It is as if the idea of a career woman is great to them, but the reality is something they can’t handle. Examples include:

-resenting that I’m unwilling to relocate given this area is the epicenter of good jobs for me
-expecting prompt texts and drawn out conversation while I’m working
-dismissing my professional expertise (it’s in something that everyone interacts with like say being a doctor)
-advising me to not go for better opportunities
-getting annoyed that I am thoughtful and therefore have my own independent opinions

The previous poster, 15:11 was spot on. It definitely helps if his job is tied to this area.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are heard. I’m like you. It’s hard to find a guy who will partner 100% with an ambitious woman over decades. DH got competitive after kids, despite the romantic feminist platitudes. It was shocking to me as I thought I picked well.

I don’t have any advice other than I have yet to find a man who views a woman’s needs and desires as equal to his own. Men are raised as superior to women and it’s engrained in their psyche.

Agree with other posters, a strong female Mom as an example would likely help frame his understanding that your ambition is equal to his.