Does your elderly mother give verbal stabbings?
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Anonymous
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We visited her today. I try to keep visits brief because she can be so moody and downright cruel and I never know when she has stayed on her mood regulating medication. She has always had a downright abusive streak, but it got worse with age. So, the visit is going well and I think "wow, this is so lovely" and then out of nowhere she gives me a nasty verbal stabbing either in the form of a guilt trip or just saying something very cruel going for a weak spot. When I started think about it, usually I know within the first 20 minutes if she is in a stabby mood, but occasionally, she is so pleasant and sweet and mild and then after an hour or so she pulls out her verbal knives and gets stabby and nasty. Yes, I know they lose their filter and I get help to set boundaries and in be in her life only as much as I can handle. I cannot change her. I try to detach, but I guess it still hurts when she seems so calm and sweet and then I don't know a mood-swing hits her and a verbal knife comes flying. I don't reinforce it with emotion and I use it as a sign it's time to leave. I guess I thought I knew her triggers and when she does these random stabbings when there is nothing I can identify setting it off it throws me off balance.
I had gotten to the point where I accepted I didn't like her, but I would be there in some form as she ages. When she typically is difficult it just confirms my reality for me, but it's when she is soooo sweet and seems genuine, not fake, that I get lulled into thinking I might enjoy my time with her and then...a sneak attack!! Anyone relate? (not dementia...yet...or so we are told) |
Anonymous
| Yep. My mom was exactly like this OP. And so was my grandmother. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for your response. YES, my grandma did this too. Thanks for jogging my memory. In fact, my aunt and uncle used to debate whether she was just evil from birth or if it was just an innate reflex she had. It's scary because my grandma turned into a tyrant over time and I think might have lashed out physically so I dread that. |
Anonymous
| My Mom is definitely similar-she was always that way but as she's gotten older it's gotten worse. And my grandmother did the same thing. It's unfortunate. The verbal stabbings completely overshadow what was a pleasant visit. And then I end up dwelling on what she says and feel crappy for awhile afterwards. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you need some armor. |
Anonymous
| We never judge a visit with my mother as "good", "not bad" is the best it gets. She can't just participate in a conversation she has to be informing, teaching, lecturing, preaching. It she feels she isn't being respected or heard (by her very high standards) she tries to go to the jabs. I ignore until it starts becoming too rude. not taking that from anyone and think a bad example for my kid to see rude behaviour excused because someone is supposed to love you. |
Anonymous
Yes! So this! (OP here). I will comment on another post about armor, I have gotten better at recovering with therapy, but the initial stabbing still jolts me when not expected. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree. I have read lot of helpful books and articles and see a therapist periodically because I have plenty of stressors other than mom, and it all helps build some protection. Maybe it doesn't hurt quite as bad and I definitely get over it quicker and can get back to life, but not sure if I will ever achieve full armor! I'll try to get there. |
Anonymous
Lower you expectations. Expect it will happen. Be realistic, you can't change her, you can only change your actions & reaction. |
Anonymous
OMG yes, this is my mom too. She doles out useless and unsolicited advice and is offended if you don't thank her. I just change subject because if I ask her to stop she rages. She preaches-does that all and she thinks she is the expert on EVERYTHING! You nailed it with the jabs. She is thin-skinned and hyper-sensitive and goes right for jabs when her fragile ego is hurt. She dishes it like nobodies business, but cannot take it. I don't even try to give it back to her, even just not showering her with praise sets her off. My kids know the rules of engagement and we make sure we exit fast when she won't stop. |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, this! I do lower expectations, it's just now and then when she "behaves" I make the same mistake over and over of getting briefly sucked in. I have read such helpful books and I can step back an analyze my mistakes. I would give this same advice to anyone. I am like Charlie Brown falling for Lucy with the football trick. The thing is, it's not like I had her move in. I just for a moment thought maybe she was decent and I could enjoy myself and I felt SAFE and then the verbal knife came out. |
Anonymous
| Terrible. I give it right back, then leave |
Anonymous
| I am staying with my parents right now for the weekend. Was up all night with massive stomach issues and she’s walking around complaining about how no one attends to HER needs because she had to make her own tea. I can barely stand. I’ll be fine by end of day, so no real worries there, but just….wow…. |
Anonymous
| Yes, but only about weight. She's 82 y/o, mentally and physically fine. I'm 46 y/o, 5'7 and 135 lbs. and when I tell her that I'm older and have two kids, she tells me that she remembers me how I looked in college. |
Anonymous
| My mom started becoming really negative and critical her last 6 months. It turned out she had lung cancer with brain Mets. I’ve wondered if they affected her personality. |