Does your elderly mother give verbal stabbings?

[Anonymous]

I realize this is an old thread but just got a "verbal stabbing" myself and really wonder what can be done to help? Is there a medication for depression or anxiety that helps with toxic elderly parent? Anyone btdt that can provide advice?

[Anonymous]

When people get old they lose their filter and you see the essence of their personality. Some people mask all their lives, until near the end, and frankly I give them credit for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people get old they lose their filter and you see the essence of their personality. Some people mask all their lives, until near the end, and frankly I give them credit for that.

Credit for masking? I don't know about that - makes you wonder if any of their previous interactions with you were real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this is an old thread but just got a "verbal stabbing" myself and really wonder what can be done to help? Is there a medication for depression or anxiety that helps with toxic elderly parent? Anyone btdt that can provide advice?

I’d be interested to hear, because I assume there isn’t anything, and I adopt a “one strike and you’re out” rule. If I’m there so we can have a nice visit and she’s not going to let that happen, I leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom is definitely similar-she was always that way but as she's gotten older it's gotten worse. And my grandmother did the same thing. It's unfortunate. The verbal stabbings completely overshadow what was a pleasant visit. And then I end up dwelling on what she says and feel crappy for awhile afterwards.

Yes! So this! (OP here). I will comment on another post about armor, I have gotten better at recovering with therapy, but the initial stabbing still jolts me when not expected.

Lower you expectations. Expect it will happen. Be realistic, you can't change her, you can only change your actions & reaction.

OP here. Yes, this! I do lower expectations, it's just now and then when she "behaves" I make the same mistake over and over of getting briefly sucked in. I have read such helpful books and I can step back an analyze my mistakes. I would give this same advice to anyone. I am like Charlie Brown falling for Lucy with the football trick. The thing is, it's not like I had her move in. I just for a moment thought maybe she was decent and I could enjoy myself and I felt SAFE and then the verbal knife came out.

The Charlie Brown football metaphor is what I've been using to describe my borderline mother.
I ALWAYS fall for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: they are so comfortable being miserable, I think they are unable to feel any way else; it is their comfort zone. The barbs and sarcasm is meant to make us feel miserable too. I would say my mother is a ‘heart eater’, taught to her by her mother.

They sabotage happy events. I imagine my mother, an adult child of an alcoholic and divorced parents had many ruined holidays and just needs to make it “normal”
for her, so she throws her insults, cries when people “misunderstand”
her and craves everyone’s apologies
TO HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mom is definitely similar-she was always that way but as she's gotten older it's gotten worse. And my grandmother did the same thing. It's unfortunate. The verbal stabbings completely overshadow what was a pleasant visit. And then I end up dwelling on what she says and feel crappy for awhile afterwards.

Yes! So this! (OP here). I will comment on another post about armor, I have gotten better at recovering with therapy, but the initial stabbing still jolts me when not expected.

Lower you expectations. Expect it will happen. Be realistic, you can't change her, you can only change your actions & reaction.

OP here. Yes, this! I do lower expectations, it's just now and then when she "behaves" I make the same mistake over and over of getting briefly sucked in. I have read such helpful books and I can step back an analyze my mistakes. I would give this same advice to anyone. I am like Charlie Brown falling for Lucy with the football trick. The thing is, it's not like I had her move in. I just for a moment thought maybe she was decent and I could enjoy myself and I felt SAFE and then the verbal knife came out.

The Charlie Brown football metaphor is what I've been using to describe my borderline mother.
I ALWAYS fall for it.

Me too and it is soul crushing lately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep. My mom was exactly like this OP. And so was my grandmother.

OP here. Thank you for your response. YES, my grandma did this too. Thanks for jogging my memory. In fact, my aunt and uncle used to debate whether she was just evil from birth or if it was just an innate reflex she had. It's scary because my grandma turned into a tyrant over time and I think might have lashed out physically so I dread that.

Careful. Preview to your future

[Anonymous]

Yes and I hate her

[Anonymous]

Yes, I call it Zero to Evil in no time flat.

[Anonymous]

An exact quote from a voice mail my mother left after I asked her to stop leaving so many voice mails: “You are not an executive and you manage no one. I am the success and you are the failure. Everyone knows it.”

Several years ago for Christmas she sent us an empty burlap sack.

Oh brother…

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my late mother. She was mentally ill. I wish I stopped engaging with her sooner. Shouldn’t even have called. Looking back, I don’t think talking to me made her any happier, so what was the point? She just needed someone to offload her sick brain mush on.
I sincerely wish you could just stop talking to her altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and I hate her

It’s fine, and I give you permission to stop talking to her (I know my permission doesn’t matter but I wish it did)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this is an old thread but just got a "verbal stabbing" myself and really wonder what can be done to help? Is there a medication for depression or anxiety that helps with toxic elderly parent? Anyone btdt that can provide advice?

Mine is dead.
I leave it to your imagination how I feel about it.
I wish I stopped talking to her many years before.
I thought I was making her a bit happier. Now I realize that letting her make me unhappy wasn’t actually the same as making her happier.

[Anonymous]

PP here who revived thread - any medications that could help my mother? She is so moody and angry we don't know what to do to help her.