Family’s insensitive/racist comments

[Anonymous]

My family is conservative and white, and doesn’t have much sensitivity when it comes to race. My H is Latino and we’re expecting our first child. My family has never met H due to COVID, and I’m currently visiting them for the first time since the pandemic started (H stayed home to save his leave for when the baby is born).

Anyway during my visit my family has been saying some concerning things. Sort of making fun of Spanish, and most concerning, were coming up with names for the baby like “Paco the Taco”. I’m now absolutely mortified to bring them around H, and I’m very worried about what our child will overhear growing up. Not to mention I feel super protective of our baby and hate her being called nicknames like that.

How should I handle this? If I say anything, I’ll be told I’m being too sensitive and it was just a joke. I also don’t know how to bring this up with H, like how do you say “I don’t think we should be around my family because they’re racist”?

[Anonymous]

Them: It was just a joke!
You: Actually it's a racist joke, and if you do it again, we won't be able to have a relationship.
Them: You're being too sensitive!
You: No, I'm protecting my baby from racist relatives.

And then follow through.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you know all of this before you married your husband? Surely, Your family has always been this way, not sure why you are surprised.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, you say things, NOW. The longer you stay silent, the worse it will become. You throw the most gigantic fit ever and threaten them with cutting them off if they ever make any kind of comment that makes fun of Latinos in your family's hearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, you say things, NOW. The longer you stay silent, the worse it will become.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes you need to shut it down now. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe after you make it clear that it is not funny, they will become better people. But if not, then you know you have to protect your family.

[Anonymous]

“That kind of racist ‘joke’ doesn’t fly in my home or in front of me and my kids. If you keep it up, I will ask you to leave, and I am serious.”

[Anonymous]

I'd say was that supposed to be funny, Adolf?

[Anonymous]

My H is also Latino and my family has said some crazy stuff to us. For me what has worked is taking those comments SUPER literally. So, when my mom asked how we would manage our "cultural differences" (DH is American), I just acted like I was totally confused and didn't understand the question. Then I said it was true that he likes Morrissey and I like Coldplay but we didn't think it would be an issue in the marriage. Then I changed the subject. Then I repeated this kind of response until the comments stopped. Worked.

So, in your case, I would have acted like they really were suggesting you name the kid Paco. You could say that Paco is a nice name but that you were planning on something more traditionally feminine, like Rose. Then ask if they like Rose more than Larla or if maybe they think the child should be named after grandma Karen....

[Anonymous]

Ok I actually think Paco the Taco is hilarious. Lol. I’m Hispanic and it’s funny. That’s said given the context of them not being hispanic seems in appropriate.

I would have laughed but then calmly explained that that is your child. Then I would ask them what names they suggest. Or you could go full sarcasm and and say yes he name is going to be Paco and see what they say. Have they always been like this? Knowing Spanish is literally so desirable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is conservative and white, and doesn’t have much sensitivity when it comes to race. My H is Latino and we’re expecting our first child. My family has never met H due to COVID, and I’m currently visiting them for the first time since the pandemic started (H stayed home to save his leave for when the baby is born).

Anyway during my visit my family has been saying some concerning things. Sort of making fun of Spanish, and most concerning, were coming up with names for the baby like “Paco the Taco”. I’m now absolutely mortified to bring them around H, and I’m very worried about what our child will overhear growing up. Not to mention I feel super protective of our baby and hate her being called nicknames like that.

How should I handle this? If I say anything, I’ll be told I’m being too sensitive and it was just a joke. I also don’t know how to bring this up with H, like how do you say “I don’t think we should be around my family because they’re racist”?

That’s it? A cute Paco the Taco instead of cutie pie or cutie butt?

Every mixed couple I know thought of super fun mixed nicknames, even fir the triple threat citizenship parents.

[Anonymous]

And what gringo or food comments have you overheard from the other side?

[Anonymous]

It's too bad you and your DH rushed into this marriage he should have had the opportunity meet your racist family before deciding to spend his life with you.

[Anonymous]

Are any of the people posting here actually Hispanic? I'm biracial (Mexican/white) and trust me, Hispanic people can be just as racist as white people. I remember my grandmother telling my mom not to visit an area of Mexico with a high black population "because it was dangerous" and my mom has some very strong opinions on BLM and vaccines, not to mention the typical gringo jokes. Paco the Taco sounds cute to me and if the Hispanic members of your family don't find it offensive, I'd use it. As for the spanish jokes, was it done to mock or as a joke? My dad always joked that a quinceanera was a Mexican baby shower and I thought it was funny whereas my mom got offended. My mom thought mocking a Mexican accent was funny, I thought it was mean. This all goes to show that different people find different things wrong. Have you talked to your husband and asked him what he thought about the behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Are any of the people posting here actually Hispanic? I'm biracial (Mexican/white) and trust me, Hispanic people can be just as racist as white people. I remember my grandmother telling my mom not to visit an area of Mexico with a high black population "because it was dangerous" and my mom has some very strong opinions on BLM and vaccines, not to mention the typical gringo jokes. Paco the Taco sounds cute to me and if the Hispanic members of your family don't find it offensive, I'd use it. As for the spanish jokes, was it done to mock or as a joke? My dad always joked that a quinceanera was a Mexican baby shower and I thought it was funny whereas my mom got offended. My mom thought mocking a Mexican accent was funny, I thought it was mean. This all goes to show that different people find different things wrong. Have you talked to your husband and asked him what he thought about the behavior?

No, we haven’t talked yet. I’m still processing all this. I haven’t seen most of my family in almost 5 years, and we rarely talk, so I’d forgotten how they can get.

Knowing H, I definitely think he’d be irritated. He really dislikes when people say ignorant things to him, like constantly asking where he’s from or saying his English is good (he was born here, as were his parents). He doesn’t throw a fit or say anything, but will comment to me about it later and roll his eyes in a “can you believe that” way.

I don’t think he’d say anything directly to my family unless it was getting bad, and I would intervene before that point. It would definitely bother him, though. I do think it would be a big problem if he heard them say these things to or about our child, I know he’d want to shield her from that, as do I.