If I Divorce My Husband, I Will Be All Alone

[Anonymous]

I am in my late 50s and have been married nearly thirty years. It has been bad for nearly fifteen years. He had an emotional affair ten years ago (it could have been more, but that kind of pales in comparison to other behaviors) and skipped our daughter kindergarten graduation to visit the "skank whore" in another state (he told me he was on a work trip). Our children are unaware of what happened. I stayed then because we had young children. Since then, he criticizes me on nearly daily basis, tells me that I am irrational or stupid and unable to hold a job which is patently untrue so I don't even know how he came up with that), and yells loudly at me for thirty or more minutes at a time probably five or more times a week. He has called me fat, stupid, and a "dumb c----." It escalates each year. Sometimes, I argue back and point out that what he is saying is not true or ask him why he needs to yell everything rather than talking calmly. I have gradually come to realize that this is pointless and just sets him off even more. The kids are in their late teens/early 20s now. He does most of the truly horrible stuff when they are not around, although they have seen probably ten percent of the nastiness. If I divorce him, I suspect they will blame me at least in part because they have not seen the lion's share of the abuse. I have drifted apart from many of my girlfriends. I am finding it harder and harder to make small talk when I just want. to scream how unhappy I am. My parents have both passed away, and I am an only child. If I leave him, I will be alone, as in no one to hang out with, no one to drive me home from the hospital after a procedure, etc. I know this is bad. But I have been all alone before one or two times in my life, and that was really bad too. I don't know which is worse. I dread tearing apart our kids' family life.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if part of the reason that you have been drifting apart from your friends is that you have a bad marriage. That sounds emotionally draining!

I can’t say for sure but I believe that anybody, with effort, can cultivate rewarding friendships at any stage of life.

[Anonymous]

You’re deluding yourself if you think your kids only know 10% of what is happening. They see and hear it.

Get into therapy for yourself and work on your self-esteem. No one should put up with being called names ever.

[Anonymous]

Make 2022 your year. Get divorced. Reach out to your friends and apologize for having pulled away and explain why. Volunteer. Get therapy. Get a dog!

[Anonymous]

You’re worse than alone now.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my late 50s and have been married nearly thirty years. It has been bad for nearly fifteen years. He had an emotional affair ten years ago (it could have been more, but that kind of pales in comparison to other behaviors) and skipped our daughter kindergarten graduation to visit the "skank whore" in another state (he told me he was on a work trip). Our children are unaware of what happened. I stayed then because we had young children. Since then, he criticizes me on nearly daily basis, tells me that I am irrational or stupid and unable to hold a job which is patently untrue so I don't even know how he came up with that), and yells loudly at me for thirty or more minutes at a time probably five or more times a week. He has called me fat, stupid, and a "dumb c----." It escalates each year. Sometimes, I argue back and point out that what he is saying is not true or ask him why he needs to yell everything rather than talking calmly. I have gradually come to realize that this is pointless and just sets him off even more. The kids are in their late teens/early 20s now. He does most of the truly horrible stuff when they are not around, although they have seen probably ten percent of the nastiness. If I divorce him, I suspect they will blame me at least in part because they have not seen the lion's share of the abuse. I have drifted apart from many of my girlfriends. I am finding it harder and harder to make small talk when I just want. to scream how unhappy I am. My parents have both passed away, and I am an only child. If I leave him, I will be alone, as in no one to hang out with, no one to drive me home from the hospital after a procedure, etc. I know this is bad. But I have been all alone before one or two times in my life, and that was really bad too. I don't know which is worse. I dread tearing apart our kids' family life.

Solitude > this crap, to be honest.

But your fear of solitude is only that: fear. Ultimately you will be OK.

He will have to pay you lifetime alimony for a marriage that long. Get a good lawyer.

[Anonymous]

You haven’t been alone in over 30 years, so I would not assume being solo will be like it was in your 20s. But as a pp said, being alone sounds much better than the life you’re describing to us.

[Anonymous]

Unhappily married is way worse than unhappily single.

[Anonymous]

Please go into therapy.

Alone sounds much better than this. Plus, you have no guarantee on the future. Putting up with him now does not guarantee he will be there when you get old. My mom put up with a lot of crap from my dad and then he divorced her when he was 70yo.

And get a dog for company. Really. You can also volunteer or join meet-ups. You need to build up your confidence because this is beating you up.

And your children have no reasonable family life now. Really.

I am in my mid-50s and left an abusive marriage 25 years ago. Everyone told me I would find someone else and I didn't. So sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I am alone now that the kids grew up and moved out. But I have a terrific relationship with them (because they respect me - as yours will if you stand up for yourself) and I am not anyone's victim anymore. You can do this! You have one life and using it to stay with someone who makes your life miserable is just demoralizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re worse than alone now.

+1
This is very true.

[Anonymous]

Initially yes. But the divorce will also open up the mental, physical and emotional space for you to reengage with old contacts, pursue new or old hobbies, and foster new friendships. This space now is occupied by your relationship with you husband. It will take time of course, but within 1-2 years, you will grow a new community around you.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t being all alone kind of the point?

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the pros and cos of being a SAHM.

Pros: You’re with your kids all day.
Cons: You’re with your kids all day.

I guess something similar could be said for the pros and cons of divorce.

Pros: You’re on your own.
Cons: You’re on your own.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people your age reinvent their lives. Something to look forward to, not to dread. Start making plans.