If I Divorce My Husband, I Will Be All Alone

[Anonymous]

OP I see and hear you. Am 51 now and alone after leaving an abusive marriage 5 years ago. Have not had sex since 2013. Kid leaving home in 8 years. It’s a lot to contemplate being older and alone. Men almost never face this. I guess you have to think about whether your DH would reliably provide any of the security, comfort, companionship or support one relies on marriage for. Mine would not. He was antagonistic. It’s still hard being so alone in the world. Like you I have no family and parents are dead.

[Anonymous]

This is why people should not wait to divorce. My marriage was bad always: I waited 10 years due to the “don’t divorce” crap. When I turned 40, I was like…I do not have any more time to waste. I did not want to be old with him. My kids were little. Divorce final at 42. I am now a couple of years older…I am so glad I did not wait any longer than I did and I regret not doing it 6 months into the marriage…my mom told me to wait another year. 🙄.

You are alone anyway. This is a cautionary tale: if it sucks, get ourt ASAP.

I am fine being “alone” forever. I feel way less alone single than I when I was married.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think older, single women are better about making a community with each other than are younger single women. There doesn't seem to be any path to happiness for you if you stay, and if you stay he may divorce you anyway.

I think you should leave and focus on re-making your life. As other have said, once you don't have the daily drain of living with someone who dislikes and emotionally abuses you, you will discover that you are capable of all kinds of things, including forging new relationships.

[Anonymous]

Try a separation first, and therapy. I agree with someone who mentioned Uber/Lyft--you need not depend on anyone for transportation. Please don't stay and be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

[Anonymous]

If he traveled to visit someone else, it was absolutely 100% a physical affair. And the only reason I'm saying this is to wake you up to how wimpy you're being. Like, do. not. accept. this! The fact that you've agreed to a narrative for 10 years where you don't actually hold him accountable for what he did (actual sex outside your marriage) is you being weak and a terrible role model. Grow a backbone, get some pride, and leave this douchebag yesterday!

I am alone, alone. No siblings, no kids, no spouse (divorced this year). I have debilitating health issues. It's the hand I was dealt. Is it ideal? No, but I didn't have a choice (he gave me an STD) -- just like you don't have a choice. Staying with an abuser is not a choice anyone makes intentionally. The sooner you accept/acknowledge that he IS abusing you, the sooner you will realize you love yourself enough to kick his stank ass out of your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? If not, even something part time might be an outlet.

He denigrates you and treats you with contempt so he will feel justified in cheating and not guilty.

It will not get better and he may well divorce you when you are even older and it will be harder to create a new life. Best detach on your own terms.

Have some consults with lawyers and start getting your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

Honestly, re surgery - just tell them there is no one - what do they suggest? Are they denying you the service because you don’t have someone who can fo this? That’s ridiculous. Can they recommend a service that takes patients home? I am so tired of the healthcare system assuming people have things they don't.

OP, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt 100 times better once I divorced my abuser. Your kids see your abusive H for what he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

This is not helpful. The OP was asking for help and advice, not someone to say... well my situation sucks, but yours is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

This is not helpful. The OP was asking for help and advice, not someone to say... well my situation sucks, but yours is worse.

I read it more like “Yes, it’s hard when you don’t have someone to take you home”, a concern that OP brought up, “but it’s worse to be in an abusive relationship”.

[Anonymous]

I would rather be alone everyday for the rest of my life than be with someone who treated me like this. Source: I was with someone abusive then I left.

Nothing is worse than being lonely in a marriage.

When I left, I got to focus on myself and my interests. No one was there to criticize and micromanage me. I made lots of new friends because I was free to find new ones. I wasn't wasting all my emotional energy walking on eggshells, trying not take him mad- which was of course impossible b c no matter what I did it was wrong. He constantly moved the goal posts.

That might seem a bit daunting right now. So what is one thing you can do for yourself, tomorrow? It can be completely independent from him but start small. Maybe make something just for yourself for dinner. Drive around and look at Xmas lights by yourself. Go to Starbucks and sit in the quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

I have surgery coming up at Hopkins. Today I reviewed my pre-op info sheet. It states that i have to have someone bring and take me home, it further has "If you need a person to bring and take you home from surgery call service xyz @ phone 123 and for a fee they can arrange that for you". I am sure any reputable hospital has a service like this. Call the surgery scheduler to find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather live alone and call an Uber after a medical procedure than live with someone who calls me a c*nt.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do. Imagine one of your kids wrote this post and asked you what to do. What would you say to them?

So I’m in my late 40s, single, don’t really have close friends, and have surgery coming up. I’ve asked about an Uber or taxi and they won’t allow it. My parents are away and have suggested I delay it till they get back. Covid might end up taking care of that anyway. But this has certainly given me pause. I’m sure if I asked enough casual friends or neighbours, someone would help. But it’s a bit embarrassing.
That said, I’d rather be in this position than OP’s.

I have surgery coming up at Hopkins. Today I reviewed my pre-op info sheet. It states that i have to have someone bring and take me home, it further has "If you need a person to bring and take you home from surgery call service xyz @ phone 123 and for a fee they can arrange that for you". I am sure any reputable hospital has a service like this. Call the surgery scheduler to find out.

I had a surgical procedure done and it was also required that someone comes to pick me up. They asked me when I check in and when I leave if someone is picking me up. But no one walks you to the car and asks for id from the driver. If you call an uber how will they know it's not a friend/relative?
I'm married BTW but I'd rather take an Uber than ask my wife, who will b*tch and moan about how I'm disrupting her busy schedule, for a ride for surgery. Hope to divorce soon.

[Anonymous]

Yep as PP stated above, all doctors will allow you to use the paid ride home services after surgery. Just ask which ones they approve. I saw some recommended in the packet that I received for colonoscopy.

[Anonymous]

A few things here….
1. Your spouses symptoms and behavior sound like those of a covert narcissist. There are resources and online communities available for people who experience this type of hidden abuse. You should look into it if only to get validation, hear other stories and gather info. A divorce would take time, documentation. Ie a notebook w day, time and description of abuse. It’s difficult to explain gaslighting. his ego will be badly damaged and it could get very difficult. He will lie to preserve his ego. He will likely hate you for abandoning him. It’s ok. Your relationship is filled with trauma. You are allowed to heal and feel safe.

2. Your adult children will see it all eventually. We sacrifice our entire lives for our children. At some point they have to separate and see and respect you as an individual with needs. It is better to be a role model for strength and resilience rather than a victim of abuse.

3. After two years in Covid so many people feel isolated and disconnected from others. Personally I think it’s far more lonely to be in a marriage where you don’t feel valued and supported. You will join groups that offer support. Believe in yourself because if you can endure this for so many years, you can do anything!

Be strong. You are and always have been enough. You can do this.